Norhing to say

So, I avoided posting anything because i got tired of people judging me. People that didn't even know me, yet told me to suck it up. So avoided this like the plague.

But I decided, FUCK everyone who wants to talk shit to me.

I already know i'm pretty much a nobody. But thats not the issue.

I'm tired of being judged. No one REALLY knows me... or knows wtf i've been through. Yet ppl like to tell me to 'suck it up." This isn't active duty. NO ONE tells me wtf to do. And NO ONE is obligated to read this shit. So if you dont like what i have to say, fuck off and good bye.  I'm tired of pleasing ppl i dont know. I'm tired of 'fixing my words' to make ppl feel better for having a different outlook of me.

.......................................

A lot of time has passed since my last post. Because the last time, i was fighting some asshole i didn't know for the right to the freedom of speech we fought for. A right that his opinion decided, i wasn't allowed.

in that time, i lost my dog. Got a cat, who treats me like both my ex husbands..... and i am still alone here. So used to it, that i have no idea how to talk to guys. I have no idea what a date is, because i've never actually been on one, so i have no idea how that works. I'm destined to be the cat lady. Who's only excitement is feeding the gazillion cats.   Some ppl can have kids.. well i can't. Tho everyone i know seems to be popping them out or creating their own familieis. I'm still the same old me. Bored, alone and lost. The friends i thought i had, have abandoned me like everyone else in my life. It is what it is. but no VA psychiatrist can fix this. I have to be able to trust them... and i dont trust them....and never will.

I spend every weekend alone in my apt. I leave the apt long enough to get food or liquor. Then I come back here to get drunk by myself and pretend my cat likes me. But cats are the 'valley girls' of their species.

I'm so used to being alone, that the days that drive ppl crazy are regular days to  me. i've literally given up. Why should i care when no one cares about me? yea.. fuck that. and fuck everyone who thinks i'm either a pussy or a fool. YOU have not been in my shoes while i was being raped or having my head smashed off the ground just for existing. So fuck you.


Have I been trying? Yes. But the 'end-state' is always the same. Just me.. because i dont do what my friends or associates say. So at this point, its best if i tell everyone to fuck off.

Bradley and other random things

I miss my dog. The only fam I had that hasn't abandoned me. But he's in SD with ppl I thought that wouldn't keep him from me. I was wrong. I took a risk and it blew up in my face. Won't get into details because it pisses me off. Lets just say they're pretty much keeping him from me until I come up with $900 of what I call 'ransom money'. Thanks guys. Just remember you were responsible for him while he was under you're care, and its your fault he got bit. Not mine. Demanding money for something that was your fault is fucking bullshit.

I'm prepping for Warrior Weekend 2012 in SoCal. Contacting bands already to see if they can work with me on this. Its meant to be a fun and motivating event for any and all veterans. Can't wait til things start pickign up. Its busy now, but its all important. More to come on that. I haven't slept in 2 days. lol

Preppin for a lot of stuff actually lol. I figure it this way. They haven't been able to kill me yet. lol So, I'll be good.

Clarity

I went to the memorial for Clay Hunt today in LA with a friend that knew him. Ive seen my share of grown men crying, and it gets harder to watch every time. But it shows how lacking the adequate treatment is. They need to do more. They dont' really seem to get it. I think its time they did.

As for this Anonymous fellow. Good for you. PTSD is what it is. Ppl handle it differently. I have 3 forms of it. I have mostly dealt with my rape PTSD alone. I'm somewhat at rest with it. But I have problems going places alone to make sure it doesn't happen a third time. To be clear. The first one, I was dragged into an alley. The 2nd, I was in my barracks room passed out. Woke up half way through it. Neither were prosecuted. Got off scott free with an honorable discharge.

And honestly, if you're gonna talk shit to me, at least be honest and reveal yourself. Just sayin. Anyone can talk shit behind a computer.

Making someone feel like shit is not the way to go. Insulting them is not gonna work. And the breaking of the face comment was sarcasm. Guess some ppl dont catch sarcasm, but whatever.

Nonetheless... you are not being forced to read this. Hardly anyone does. Its the only way I have to vent. And talking to me like i'm a piece of shit is just retarded. Go talk shit to someone else.

End of story.

Fuck You Anonymous

I've spent the last year trying not to snap. Trying like fucking hell not to break someones fucking face open. I have no outlet. So this is what I do. Don't like it? Don't fucking read it. Insulting me is not going to help my PTSD. It is only gonna make it worse. Hey.. maybe I should off myself. Would that make Anonymous feel better? Pussy. Didn't even have the BALLS to fuckin say who you were. Whats wrong? You afraid I'll hunt you down and break your face?

I've been through more in the last 28 years than you'll EVER have to endure. You have no idea. But all you do is talk shit. Calling me Emo. Really? Not even. Try broken. From war, from rape, from a shitty fuckin disillusioned life. Yet I keep saying what... I'm. Still. Here. And i'll be here to break your face when you come at me face to face.. pussy.

Words on a page...

They call it isolation. I call it life. I'm so used to being alone, that its always routine. Kinda like before I got out (and was still married) when I always felt alone. But what can you do. You can't force ppl to give a fuck about you. You can't force ppl to care. You just gotta.... suck it up.  It'd be a shit ton easier if I had a family that actually called... I just don't.  I have veterans who need help. I have orgs who want my support. I have issues that need dealt with. Just no actual family. Does it suck? Yes. Very much. But it's the cards I was dealt. Someones gotta suffer forever.... if its gotta be me.. then its gotta be me. I have nothing to lose. So, it makes no difference either way. I'll still be here no matter what. No use pouting just because my life is fucked up. Let the ppl who CAN be happy .. be happy. Whether it be their full fledged fam... or even just a kid. Fam is fam nonetheless. I have "when, i feel like your fam'' kind of fam. So essentially, I have no support system. No calls to say, 'hey. how you REALLY doin?'. No one ever fuckin calls me. I'm like the blacksheep. Ppl only care when they feel bad. I don't want pity. I want fucking respect. I want a real family who cares. I just don't have that. They care on THEIR schedule. Still pisses me off.

Most things people say are just words on a page. Words ppl think will make me feel better. Not words of truth or distinction. Just words. People say a lot of things. Ask anyone. I'm the little sister. Always have been. People can say what they want, but when they meet me the same thing happens. "You're like a sister." HAHAHA seriously. Just how it is. Which I've totally accepted. What else am I supposed to do? Pout? Not my thing. Just cuss to myself at how FUCKED my luck is and keep moving. Of course when no one is looking I'm a whole dif person. I'm the classic PTSD patient. Zoning. Falling. Dying inside. But no one knows. Why? Because no one pays that much attention. Its so obvious. Like a slap in the face. Somehow no one feels it. I feel abandoned. But no worries. I"m used to it. Sad huh. And yet again, this reach for help will have failed. Nothing new.

Would it kill the world to give a shit? Apparently so. Apparently its too much work to actually be there for someone who has no one around. Pathetic.

Regardless, tomorrow will be a new day. And tomorrow will have new duties, new challenges, new issues. Just wish I had someone to share all this with. As of now, ppl only call me when they feel like it. So I literally have NO SUPPORT system. Does America care? Nope. All they care about is themselves. How fucking selfish can one get? They have a family. I have nothing. They have good times.. I have horrid memories. This country needs a wake up call in the form of a bitch slap.

Boxes, nicknames and 12 oz cans

I've been called a Viper for a while now. Never really thought about it really til lately. I just do what I do. Whether ppl like it or not. It needs done. Ask anyone that knows me. If it needs said.. I'm the first one to pop off at the mouth. Cuz I get tired of the bullshit.. quick.

It's friday. What am I doing? Going through boxes. Amazing myself at the shit i kept and laughing at the same time. Found some awesome shit. Threw away some bullshit. Pretty uneventful really. But hey, gotta kill time somehow. Theres only so much news you can watch. Only so much you can Google. Only so much Facebook I can handle. I thought it would help me relax since its a pretty easy task, but I think it mad it worse. Rehashed a lot of memories. Hung up some pictures in the living room tho from a calendar I had in Iraq. I miss my friends from Lewis. At least I'll never have to say I'm ashamed of being a Soldier. Despite the bullshit, I loved it.

I met Gary Sinise. AWESOME guy. Really has heart in what he does for the troops. Can't thank Adam enough for getting me there. I couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to him. Ok. I won't lie. I was kinda nervous haha. First celebrity I ever met. Gave him a card and told him about the Warrior Distress Line. Adam made sure to tell him that what we really need is publicity. Gary told me that he's a huge part of DSTRESS. (The Marine distress line.) All in all, it was good. It was awesome meeting him. And it was good to see Joe and Gary Douglas again. It would be nice if someone would call me once and a while and be like.. hey.. u wanna get your ass out of your apartment? No one does tho. Well. I take that back. Adam does sometimes. Thank god.

Been going through boxes for hours. I guess I put the bulk of it off because I didn't know where to start. Tearing through it as fast as I can right now while I still can. Theres just so much shit I've acquired in the last 10 years. I got like 3 duffle bags of military shit. Hopin it get this done soon. Its definitely overwhelming. But it needs done so i don't think about it constantly. I got veterans to help.

We are all battling our own demons.

I've sat here and stared at a blank screen for 20 mins.  Not knowing where to start. Its amazing that in an emergency situation, my training kicks in and i'm golden.. but every day I still sit here trying organize the chaos in my head. I can practically hear the echo of my own voice. When I reach out, no one is there. But I guess that is the hand I was dealt. So, those are the cards I'll play for now. 

Every day is a struggle. I have to drag myself out of bed because I have no reason not to. Sometimes I think it'd be easier for everyone if I wasn't around. Ok. More than sometimes. I'm more forgettable then ppl think. I've been told enough times that I'm nothing but a burden. They're probably right.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is either lying to themselves or delusional. 

My biggest problem is I grew up convincing myself that things won't always be that bad. Dreamed up a fairy tale ending... and here I am at 28 still nursing the bruises of the last 28 years. Nothing has gotten better. I just keep lying to myself to get through each day. You can only block for so long before you just stop defending yourself. End result? You end up laying there bruised and bloody waiting for the pain to finally fade. 

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm in the way.  That ppl only invite me to do shit cuz they feel bad. It's the worst feeling. Even when I'm around ppl, I get the same feeling. I see the way ppl look at me. With pity and ignorance. I'm just another vet without a support system. I used to be able to read ppl, but now all I can read is the lack of respect in the eyes of Americans. I see how all they care about is their trip to the mall. They could care less about what happens to us, because their life still goes on. But let it directly effect them and see how that all changes. No wonder we carry resentment. It's business as usual. 

PTSD is a serious demon that is grossly underestimated. It can destroy you. It helps to have a solid support system you can fall back on. But that support system has to have meaning.  The only support system that will work is one that you trust not to throw you away with the trash. You have to be able to know for sure that when you're reaching up from the bottom, that someone will be there to pull you out. If that doesn't exist, you're chances of healing are not very good.Its good to have ANYONE, but the internet will not help. You need someone actually around.  I've been digging my way out for a long time. And every time someone grabs on, they just... let go. And back to bottom I go. 

Some days I just sit here in silence trying to find meaning again. The only meaning I have left is helping when and where I can. But it's so exhausting. Then I start sinking again. The way you spend the rest of your life is always up to you. You can spend the rest of your life treading water, or you can get to shore and start over. I'm somewhere in the middle. Still trying to figure out if the effort is worth it. 


(No. I am not suicidal.)

You know I aint did shit today haha

I had a grip of stuff to do today. Did I? Hell no. Sadly my body mimics the weather. Hella bummed tho. Had a baseball game to go to tomorrow and its supposed to rain til Sunday. Not MLB. hahaha I hate major league baseball. Little League. Kid ain't bad.

Thats it. i got nothing else.

Empty is Empty.. no matter how you look at it...

The 'me' that some ppl see, is most def not the person I am inside. I am def not confident. I am def not sure about anything. Inside, I am still hollow. I am still broken. I try not to show it because I've been told that I'm the strong one. That basically means I'm supposed to be the one that never breaks. I did tho. 


Kinda sad actually. I tried so hard to be that 'right hook' 24/7. It wears on you tho. It's so exhausting. And when I broke.. it killed me that I had to wait for someone to call me back. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.. and my 'problems' are inconvenient for everyone. I just wish ppl would be straight with me and just be like, "Look. I'm sorry, but I don't have time in my life for you." Then there are those friends who seem to call because they feel guilty for not giving a shit before. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Its even worse that my own family doesn't even call to see how I am. It's straight up disappointing. I seriously feel abandoned. I've been 'adopted' in a few families. But it will never be the same. I always feel like the third wheel. Like someone else felt compelled to do it because of how I feel. It's hard to explain.

Might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a family. I have no idea whats its like, and I don't pretend to. Most ppl my age at least have a kid. Some of my friends have 3. As a chic, not having anything makes me feel like a failure. I honestly think I would of made a pretty good mom. But throughout the years, I've heard the same story. "I can't see you ever having kids." etc etc. Not even close. Oddly enough I had 2 goals in my life. 1. Being a Soldier. 2. Having a family. Took care of one... still an epic fail at #2. It's gotta be me. Seriously. 


It feels like I've spent my entire life having my heart ripped to shreds. I wouldn't even call it depression. I call it  Chronic Disappointment. I finally just gave up. I'm either in the 'friend zone' or would NEVER date the ppl interested in me LMFAO. For real. Can't win. So I figure, fuck it. If  I'm that big of a deal to someone, they know where I am. 


I don't want sympathy. I don't want ppl to feel bad. All I am lookin for are people who really know me, not on the internet, who genuinely give a shit about me. And I can't even tell you how hard that is to find. It's one thing to say you do, and it's another to really mean it. I have trust issues as it is. So, having my trust in someone proved to be fruitless...it crushes me more and more each time. Each time, I'm dragged under a little further. 


Just like I've told several people. I'm the poster child for Murphy's Law. If it CAN go wrong, oh it does. Without fail. Life is really just a game of chance. You win some. You lose some. But when you're losses outweigh your wins, it makes you wonder. Why the FUCK am I still doing this!? Why? Because like it or not, we are all holding the death card. It's just a matter of time before it cashes itself in. And I am not ready to go yet. I still have a chance. So many do and don't even realize it. Just because you think its pointless, doesn't mean it is. Just because you think your life no longer has a meaning, doesn't mean it does. Especially as a veteran...You came home. Honor those we lost by living. I live everyday hoping the next will get better. Does it? No. lol.But hey, we can't all be rockstars. I lose hope almost daily.. but I pick myself back up and soldier on. One way or another. 


So in closing, let me say this.


Empty is empty. There's no other way to explain it. The fact that we are still here gives people hope. Trust me. Our determination, selflessness and brute soul-taking strength empowers those around us. Whether we notice or not, people are actually paying attention and are envious of it. We are a different breed. NEVER forget that. 

Still Broken

I stopped doing this. Because really... who was listening.. The most response I got when ppl thought i was gonna kill myself.. But I guess if i'm not gonna off myself, ppl think i don't need help. Wrong.

I was so happy to get Bradley, as much of a pain in the ass as it was to train him, because then I wasn't completely alone. Then I had to hand him off because I wasn't allowed to have him. Now i'm completely isolated and spend 98% of my time on facebook. Why? WTF else am I gonna do? I hate not having the energy or strength to do much. I hate being sick. But theres only so much I can do. Cleaning my apt is a whole day affair because I have to take breaks so often. I used to be able to clean a 2 bedroom apt in no more than an hour. Do the math.

I hate calling people because I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Just because I don't have a family doesn't mean I have to right to intrude in it. Let  them be happy. No one has to be miserable like me. Its not their weight to carry. Its mine. I, just like all vets, just want what we earned. Its not another vets fault that I feel like i'm sinking. I just gotta suck it up like always. Its hard to do that all the time.. And I'm not one to call ppl about it. I like one on one time with someone who gets it.. but at the same time I trust no one. CLASSIC PTSD.

I wanna work, but know I'll never be able to hold a job. I'm too sick. Heart rate is crazy. Pain is rediculous. I still have no self esteem. Apparently I hide it all very well. Cuz the ppl who I thought got it, mostly because I've said it a million times, still say they had no clue. So either they didn't care enough to listen... or I am really that good at hiding it. Either is disturbing.

Nonetheless, No one will read this.

Bradley

I got to Redding 12 hours ago. Bradley walked right up to me. We bonded pretty quick.

 He's 7 wks old, still a young buck, and it shows. He's adorable. Def worth the 10 hour drive. Earlierl he was laying down with me, looked up, snuggled and put his mini paw in my eye. lol Too cute. The dad, Gage, has the biggest head I've ever seen. lol He has a habit of trying to flip the puppies. And because he so big, his paws get int he way and he tends to step on the puppies. Not intentionallly.. There's 2 puppies left. Both males. Gage likes to be up in my face all the time. lol Big boy loves attention. lol Sean has some good dogs tho. Gage cracks me up. Him and his big head. haha I call him "big head' instead of gage tho. haha

GAGE

This is the first time I've been on a computer since I left LB for the drive up. I can't wrap my head around the emails right now. Lack of sleep I'm guessing. But Tomorrow I'll see what I can do. Saturday is a good day to do it too. My chill day in Tracy with the pup before heading south. I'm tryin to get him used to wearing a colllar. Sean gave me a spiked on for him. Too big for now tho. It can be his pimp collar lol

Bradley's pretty smart, but I've watched him get bullied by the other 2 pups. (Reminds me of me at one point. haha) After a little paw to paw conversation, he's starting to nip back like his mama. haha Took him for a ride today. He's not a fan of the car just yet lol, but in his defense he had no idea what was going on hahaha He'll get used to it. Still a little confused about the 'outside'. I watched him tackle a leaf earlier. He likes those.

I've been super busy. Thats what happens when you show you're reliable. lol Got a few what i'll dub 'taskers' to look into.

Gonna try to get some more sleep, if those other 2 pups ever stop acting a fool haha  I know this blogs a little scattered. Think I'm gonna pass out. That drive was exhausting. If only I could find room on the couch amongst these dogs. lol

No one wants to admit they're broken...

Today I fell asleep in my car. Just straight kicked the seat back and passed out. Best sleep I've had in days. Go figure. It's probably a good thing that I was by myself most of the day. My PTSD was not cooperating. I can't wait to get Bradley. I need a comfort zone.

It's 11pm and I'm back to sitting in the car thinking. This trip was a great idea because it's given me an opportunity to see clearly again. Doesn't look All that great, but I'll be ok. I didn't realize I was surviving on hope. Which is stupid. Because it clearly isn't working. Tried going with the flow. You see where that got me. I'm done caring. My focus will stay where it belongs. On veterans. I just need to be able to get from day to day.  Aside from that, I'm used to being by myself. I think as long as I have someone to hang out with every now and then, it'll do.

As soon as figure it all out, I'll be straight. Just lots of randoms going on. I set up a surprise for a badass 11yr old. I have an event in studio city on the 15th. I'm moving, getting Bradley next month... There's a lot lol. Oh. A veteran called the Warrior Distress Line and it did exactly what it was meant to do.  Allowed the veteran to talk to another veteran. And he said he will be spreading the word. :)) so we're gonna need more volunteers. Glad it helped him.

It occurred to me today that as long as I had a place to shower, I could easily live in my car. I really don't think it would bother me. I got my cell...with Internet. Maybe I'm just getting used to being in my car. Meh.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Maybe it's because of my mid day nap. Maybe not. All I know is that although I'm in limbo at the moment, I feel more at home here. I'm not sure why. Sure, the streets are fuckin confusing. But I'll get used to it. I wish I wasn't physically broke. I'd start skating again. lol

Don't ask me why, but I'm watching Oprah. lol The dude from Dirty Jobs is on there. Talkin about Deadliest Catch and how it shows how real it is. Yet, they canceled "Over There" (which I own)after only one season, because the public couldn't handle it. THAT is a truth they need to get. Combat is the only dangerous thing, that the public can't handle. Yet we entertain their ignorance. Sad.

It used to be appalling, the way this country has come to think. Now? I'm not even surprised that veterans get shafted in any way they can sneak it in. Always trying to take away rights WE fought for. Not the idiots protesting abortion. US. You'd think out of respect to our sacrifices, they'd AT LEAST do as they promised. Guess we're not that important. Just wait. When everything goes to hell. Those same people talking shit, will be looking at us to protect them...again. What are they gonna do if we can't because of those broken promises? I'm just sayin. We don't owe anyone shit. As far as I'm concerned, this country owes US. So, get on it. 

Turns out I'm not gonna be a loser for New Years :))

Been really looking for Rent to Own places in LB. I found 5 I'm gonna call about. Then if there's anything I actually wanna 'pursue', I'll check 'em out when I get down that way in Jan. I'm so fuckin excited. Seriously. Like, you don't even know. haha

Honestly, I space a lot. All I can think about is just moving. Getting it over with and not have some crazy shit happen. If the Army would give me my $ this would be even easier. haha! I'm waitin on all kinds of shit. lol

Ok. So this is new. Really. I still don't know how to respond to this kind of stuff lol. People seem to think that I'm a piece of meat apparently. Guys are coming out of the woodwork with some CRAZY ass shit. I mean really. Chill out. I had a few tell me they wanted to move here cuz of me. Dude. OMG. lmfao No. I'm good thanks. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have sometimes lol Definite confidence booster tho!!

I have absolutely no plans for New Years. I'm guessing I'll be right here. Fuck I hope not. I can't just keep sitting here. Nowhere to go really. I mean I could go to LB... if I had money. lmfao or Redding, but that ALSO requires money. So I'll just sit here and put "The Santa Clause" on repeat. JK :) I'll probably snipe my way through the New Year and not even realize it lmao.

Ok. I could of just rewrote the above paragraph, but yea. As long as its moderately close of course lol, I'm going to N.Y.E. on New Years with Jeff (AKA SoldierHard). Should be, well, awesome. I haven't done anything fun in a long time. Shits about to do a 180, so might as well start the year of a little crazy huh? lol

Its 0238. I'm still awake. Never fails. I just wanna be able to sleep. Not sure what it is. I feel safe here, so that's not it. I just feel uneasy I think. And that could be caused by a lot of things. I got a lot of traveling ahead of me. My body is already protesting lol.

Think I'm gonna go lay down with my extra pillow and a heating pad. I gotta have some decent movies in this room somewhere.

Buddy the Elf, whats your favorite color? :))

Think it's far enough into Christmas to start this thing off. I got up at like 11, got ready. Most of the day I was either outside or in my room chillin'. Nadia was out in the living room, Jason and John playing Modern Warfare, and Tony in HIS room. Not much for a gathering haha. Not much longer and I'll have a puppy to keep me from being so lonely all the time. We got like 1 picture taken. So, that needs done. We just need one workable one really.

Dinner was good. We had ham, stuffing, gravy, salad, yummy biscuits, homemade cranberry sauce and yams. I think that's all of it lol I only had ham, stuffing and biscuits. Got the stomach capacity of an infant apparently. lol

Lucky seriously cracks me up. He's definitely a talker lol. Ellie actually seemed happy to have him around. Apparently she's not a fan of not being the center of attention lol. Reminds me of some of the people I know. haha It was kind of cute to find a present To: Ellie From: Papa under the tree. I'd of done the same thing if I had Bradley right now.

Got to watch "Elf". Problem was, it was on like.. repeat. Kinda funny that I seen a news article highlighting the fact this year was crap for Christmas movies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. I think TBS has that 25 days of Christmas thing, but the movies slotted for this year were horrible. I mean c'mon! "Ernest saves Christmas". No? That's a classic! I had to wait til Christmas eve to see "The Santa Clause". (I ended up bumping up my Netflix to 3 discs to get 1-3.) Thank you network television for being so cheap you dampened my Christmas spirit. Now smack yourself repeatedly.

It rained pretty hard today. Of COURSE it did. haha It WAS nice for a little bit. Which I definitely missed today. I actually miss PA Christmas's. Where there's so much snow, you can easily opt out of visiting. "Sorry [insert name here]. The roads are just too bad to drive in." Solves that problem lol  Tho, most don't because they're softy's. lol  If it were me, It would go something like this. -> "You don't want me there trust me. If I have to drive in it, I'm gonna be an asshole all day." Pretty much sums it up right? I will inadvertently make you hate life because I had to drive in it. lol For safety reasons, I would be a genius.

One person called today. Adam. He's kinda awesome like that. I got a bunch of texts tho. Some of them I woke up to. 6 to be exact. Others I prompted. My own mother didn't call lol. I COULD of called her, but I'm sorry, why does it always have to be me? lol Would it kill someone to call ME for once? I'm on that kick right now. I was actually about win a bet with myself that no one would call. hahaha Dammit. ;)

It's 0332. I should be asleep. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm barely here. And suddenly just want to watch Harry Potter. THAT is Kiley's fault. Damn you Kiley Hora. haha Hey. We all like something we're actually embarrassed to tell others. Some claim they're not intimidated, but we all know they secretly love playing with Barbie's. hahah  :)

Lori & Religion :: What no one really knew til now.

Christmas Day. Finally we have reached this holiday, dreaded by many. Not because of the religious factor, but because it's lonely. This time of year is supposed to be about being with family and friends. But what do you do, if you don't exactly have that? What if you still feel isolated? What if... you spend Christmas alone? Some just can't really afford to do the big commercial Christmas thing. And in my opinion, the poorer you are; the more you understand what really matters in life. Being spoon fed money, power and bullshit will get you nowhere but going through life arrogant and pathetic. The downside is that being poor doesn't exactly help you buy your kid presents. They just learn the hard way what it's like to have nothing; what it's like to barely survive the holidays. The 'privileged' will never know what it's like to pray, wish or hope for a Christmas miracle. Because they voted on their salary before they left for the holidays, while Bills that benefit Veterans and American citizens are done at their leisure. No rush. Funny how that works. Americans are losing their homes because they got laid off and all they can think about is how much money they're gonna add to their already ridiculous salary. I know I'm venting, and I'm sorry. Cuz, ya know, it's Christmas. But I gotta get it out somehow. there will probably be another one later. I expect today to be camera worthy, because it is definitely gonna be interesting.

I'm hoping that next year, after I get settled finally, Christmas will be better. Not just better, the best. That's my plan. I've had enough shitty, depressing, lonely and literally painful Christmas's. enough that I was about to throw in the 'toy bag'. Each year it got worse. each year it was the same. things are about to change. I've regained a very important part of me that was lost there for a while. The part that allows to laugh at futile attempts at trying to 'hurt' me, that reminds me that I can't save everyone, and kindly tells me to go where my soul leads me. And honestly, I've secretly always wanted to live in long beach haha. I'm gonna scope it out while I'm down south for the event in Studio City. On the way back up, I'm just gonna go straight to Redding. Why? 

Bradley, about a week or 2 old. 

BRADLEY!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep! Soon!! Gotta commandeer some doggy stuff (bed, leash, crate, treats, food, dishes, a vet!! lol) for the little guy. I'm SOOOO excited about Bradley. In March or April, I drive BACK down to Long Beach to solidfy everything for the move. The next time I show my face in Long Beach, I won't be leaving. :) 

I noticed that my bullshit tolerance has decreased. Which is a part of who I used to be. I never put up with ANYONE's bs. Ever. I ended up just following along, never knowing what was going on or where I was going, until I snapped. It's a hard way to hit bottom. Like jumping off the grand canyon. Surviving that would be a miracle. God himself would have to float down and help cushion your fall. . I'm kinda of stuck in the middle. Which is a problem for some people, because they don't understand why I'm not like them. There's a reason why I'm not a fan of religion. Look at what people do when they take their faith to a whole new deadly level. I've seen the worst in people. I was a case that didn't get religious while I was in Iraq. I fear what it does to people who are easily swayed. Here's a little background, and oddly I don't think this has EVER come up in conversation. I was born a protestant, went to church with my grandfather every Sunday until his death. I actually learned how to tie my shoes in church. :) I've read the bible at least 10 times and there's a lot in there that just doesn't make sense to me. I'm a realist. I act on fact not faith. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to get back to the little girl who hardly ever missed a Sunday School. We shall see.

 

Some things, there's just no coming back from. You're not really  'in a pickle'. You're stubborn.  Just keep moving...and don't look back.  The longer you stick around, the harder it is to leave. Not even because you WANT to stay, but because that life is set to a routine. Call it 'force of habit'. Stop being lazy. Pack your shit and go. Run even. If you're that unhappy, why would you stay? Be kinda stupid huh. Of course this advise is easier said than done. Not that it's an issue NOW. Because if I could, I'd move to Long Beach tonight.

The stars shine no matter where you are. All you need to do find a place that fits you. Risks are the fun part of life. The EPIC FAILS that follow? not so much. 

Belligerently Single

You can't get more single than I am. But for the first time in my life, I'm having to turn ppl down. Not just a few, like a lot. I don't understand how all that works. I was a social butterfly, not a model. I'm not used to being hit on. Well lol there was that one time in japan i got hit on... That would be the night my 1st husband slammed my head off the pavement.  No, its not funny. But I am at peace with it. I'm allowed to laugh at it.

I really don't feel like driving. My body is crashing. Its tired and stressed. I've been in so much pain lately. So much that nothing seems to help.

I made it there and back. Not long after I got back, attitude ensued.. forcing my anxiety up. Thanks for that by the way.  But I just took my medicine so I feel better now.  Makes me want to move even sooner. If I get the money, I will for sure. Either way, i have to drive down there before I actually  move. Guess I should start figuring this out now.

I go where I'm needed...

Time til Christmas is dwindling down. Christmas is almost here. Tomorrow I have to drive down to Belmont to pick up Jason. Just wish I knew when... and fuck I hope I have enough gas. I SHOULD be able to get there on a quarter tank... but traffic. That's what scares me.

I'm watching the Steelers...again. Which is weird. Isn't this like the second time this week? Whatever. Either way we're up 27-0. :) I do love football. I can't wait to have someone to watch it with. Like I've said previously. Kinda boring.

I'm more and more excited about moving to Long Beach as each day passes. Fresh start. People I can trust and hang out with. People who won't abandon me. Plus.. Bradley!! I pick him up on the way back from Studio City. I just have to make sure I can get a place that is cool with Bradley being a pitbull. If I'm lucky, the Army will give me my $ by at least June so I can just try to do the "Rent to Own" thing. The money they owe me still is goin to a down payment on a house or something. If I do that, then  no one can say shit. Plus, I'd be able to unfuck the decor' that is certain to exist in any home I choose. Point is, I'll be able to design it to my tastes. Not someone elses. Ya know, get a house with a couple rooms and rent them out to veterans. That'll help ease the burden of the bills on me, help out a fellow veteran, and we all have someone right there if needed. Kinda like being here. Just warmer.

I was told that I tend to go where I'm needed. Not intentionally, I just gravitate to where I'm needed. A few months ago, something told me I should move to Long Beach. I laughed, because I just moved. But the more I thought about it, I can do more down there. Its warmer, so its easier on me physically. I know way more people down there. Its' a perfect ending to a very trying few months. My life has been crazy since I got out in April. Here's my shot at some damn stability.  

When I moved here, it was either the best or worst decision ever. I honestly can't survive without a purpose. There has to be a reason for me to exist. That's why I keep myself so busy. I WISH I could work. But I just physically can't. I can help others, but never myself. What I need is someone who will help me when I needed, give me a hug when I look like I need one.. etc etc. I've come across some characters, that's for sure. Am I nervous? Hell yea! I hate moving! So, I'm gonna make sure everything is perfectly set before I pop smoke. July is the latest. If I end up out of here earlier, then so be it. But I'll def give Nadia a heads up.

 "Deuces" by Chris Brown (Let's not chastise him. It's about the song, not the ass-beating he did in his spare time.) Song is on point. I'm not trying to make my life work. I want it to do just what it's supposed to do. Go on. I can't spend the rest of my life settling.  And I won't. "My hearts big, but it beats quiet." True. It's time to go. Time to get to where I WANT to be by going where I'm needed. This REALLY is the last time tho. I can do more down south. I know more people. Its warmer. My niece lives in Hemet, so i'd actually be able to see her. I've had people buggin me to move down there since I got here in June. So why not go where I'm wanted?

Shit is about to change. 

You don't have to like everything about someone, to love them as a person.

It's been raining for like... weeks. Which is good since I haven't heard Smoky the Bear freak the fuck out cuz some dumbass started a forest fire.  So, that's always a plus. On the downside? We've had so much rain, there's been flooding and mudslides. Shit is crazy. Last year it was WA state that had the mudslides. It's like shitty weather follows me everywhere. Well, except for snow. Which is just.. well... weird. 

I hear it's been snowin' pretty bad in PA. But that's normal. It's PA...in winter. I found the pictures of the 'snow porn' we did on the lawn of the new barracks haha. Hilaaarious. I won't post them tho. Too graphic for some haha. I also realized that THAT was the last time I seen snow. So, in the last ten years, I've seen more than an inch of snow one time. lol crazy. Although, it DID snow in Baghdad in 2007. That's just crazy.  Christmas is only a few days away. I'm still waiting on  Jason to call Nadia so I know if I'm picking him up Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Until he talks to her, I know nothing. Her house... I'm just driving. lol 

TBI is still jackin me up full force. I forgot that one of my TEAM Leaders is a  published author. Then when I realized it, I knew he would be perfect to head of the book project. Besides, he IS my Project TEAM Leader. :) I am SO happy to have the people I have on my team. Had a few more on standby, but I need to get through the holidays. Can't make a lot of decisions right now.  The organization I found yesterday and am STOKED to be working with in the future, is called Real Combat Life. 

It is a site that allows veterans to submit stories to share their experience with others. This is HUGE for OBP, because this is half of what we'll need to complete this project. After the New Year, I will hash everything out for the book and possible documentary. I'm gonna start signing stuff BZB. lol Glad tho. That means it's all coming together. A portion of the proceeds will go to a project or idea that the Blue Phoenix TEAM chooses. We are all veterans, so no worries there's. haha Lots of stuff coming up...and fast. like I said. haha BzB

Just took a look at the clock. Its 0256. I never realize what time it is. Kinda explains the excessive pain in random parts of my body, but then again, it always feels like that. haha. Sleeping has been almost impossible. I don't.... until my body crashes. But that's not sleep. That's nothing, for all intense purposes, but passing out. I could get drunk and probably dot the same thing. I can sleep if I smoke A LOT of my medicine. But that shit is expensive!!! So, I try not to do that. Maybe if I was loaded like Snoop Dogg it wouldn't be an issue. 

I'm watching "Juno". I like this movie. She's so sarcastic. Just an all around good movie. There's nothing on. I mean, yea, its fuckin 3am. But that's not even the point, it's been like this all damn day. Nothin good on or we don't get that channel. The one channel I really wish we had? The MILITARY channel. Love it. Can't watch it.  

. Uh. Another thing. 

WTF is up with the Christmas movies? I've seen like 2 on and they all suck! No Rudolph?! No Frosty?! 

?!  I remember a time when could literally count down December by the Christmas movies. Funny how much TV has changed. We went from Dukes of Hazzard... to "The Hills". Blah. Shh. You're pretty we get it. Who cares. You're a conceited whore. Meeeehhhhh. lol

and finally, the legacy of ross mcGinnis.

 I was proud and sad the day I heard about him. Proud that he was from PA like me, at ease with his decision that day... knowingly giving his life to save the lives of his brothers... and sad that he didn't make it. I can't even imagine having to make a decision like that...or having to live with the survivors guilt. That's the thing with this type of bravery. The survivors will punish themselves forever.