The Downward Spiral

Over the last few years, a lot of shit has happened. Very few have been good. Most.. have been bad. Iraq has changed me for the worse and I don't know how to fix it. Anger has increased dramatically. Panic attacks at random and the trigger is unknown. Anxiety attacks... same thing. Although anything that sounds like a firefight, an explosion or loud noises can throw me into attacks, sometimes they don't. Sleeping is interesting. And then theres my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Which leaves me in pain 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. Everyday for the rest of my life I will be in pain. All medication makes me gain weight that I can't seem to lose. Two rapes in Japan where the military did nothing and they lost at least one of my rape kits. No arrests. No nothing. My counselor told me it was my fault, but everyone knows thats bullshit. 1 divorce from an abusive husband where I lost pretty much everything except my computer and my Ipod. Several losses of friends lives to which most I still haven't excepted. A douchbag ex that stole thousands of dollars from me, furniture and even tried to take my car. Frequent bouts of depression. An incident I won't give details for that show just how fragile war vets are and how little anyone seems to care. The chances of me being able to be a mother are so small that its virtually non-existent. And now this new pending last minute divorce thrown at me only weeks from my ets date. Leaving me to find out what I'm supposed to. So many bad things. And I didn't even get into how fucked my unit is and how much they tried to screw me.

Good things? I got 20% disability for my Fibromyalgia that will give me at least $34,000 tax free severance pay. So, my bills will be paid. And for some reason, I'm still alive.

But I have no family. No animals left. I have furniture that has to sit in storage. And a life that officially has no meaning or purpose. The only thing I can think of is helping Nick the best I can. Helping others with PTSD if possible. But aside from that, I am alone. Left to struggle and fight a losing war with the system. Left to wonder what it is that makes me so susceptible to negativity. Helping others is a nice thought, but how can I do that if I can't help myself?

I've had like 2 panic attacks in the last week. And I have no one to turn to here. Everyone is either on the internet or somewhere else. I wish I knew how to stop them, but I don't. I'm consistently hyper-vigilant. But that's a war thing, and is extremely hard to turn off. I'm not even sure if I can. I don't feel safe without a weapon. I'm just so messed up and have no hope of being anything like who I was. So what do I do? Right now, all I can do is try to pull it all together until at least the moving part is over. After that, I can't promise anything. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I need to keep myself together at least for a little while longer.

Ironically, if I'm working on something for Nick, I seem to be able to pull it off. But when that all stops, or I stop thinking about that, I forget what to do. I wish I knew what the trigger is so I can avoid it. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.

Fading

My life has been nothing but an example of how not to live your live. I’ve done so many things. Most for others. Yet it seems that its never enough. And I end up the same way I enter my days. Alone.

Who am I to complain? I’ve had it all more than once. And panicked. And ended up losing it all. So, while they will end up happy, have their kids, or whatever. I will be alone. Painfully alone. Its my fault. Its always my fault. I’m nothing without my vices. And my vices are what make me the way I am. I’m always one step behind. And look at me now. Scrambling last minute, struggling to make it and just figuring this out.

I’ll be alone for a while and forget all over again. Theres something seriously wrong with me. But apparently my purpose on this earth is not to be happy. Maybe its to push others in that direction. Like a traffic cop for souls. So, as I sit alone yet again, it dons on me. This wont change. I can work my ass off for the rest of my life, and get no where. Because what I want has nothing to do what where I’m going.

Failure

Too much torment and chaos in my life. When others cool down, mine heats up. And has a habit of staying that way for years. So, here i sit; shot in hand trying to come to terms with the fact i'm a fucking failure. It never ends. One good thing happens and a hurricane of torment comes my way. I want to scream, but have no voice. Just sit here hoping to fade away. Music has always been my only outlet. But as times change, everything changes. I've been able to tell my incarcerated cousin more than i've been able to tell most people. Maybe there was always a connection through all the years of nothing; or maybe i'm just fucking crazy and just hope i have a connection with SOMEONE. I have no clue.

Either way, i'm losing my mind. And just in time. Just in time to go home to PA to the biggest fucking failure of VA hospitals. Where the citizens mostly look at you like you're just crazy. Its the one place i never wanted to go back to. Yet since i have no choice...i'll stay til Nicks trial is over. Then move to Florida. Away from the cold. Away from every memory i've ever had. And start over. I need to. I have to. I have no other choice. If i don't, i might as well be dead.

Impending Doom

I received nates decision like a slap in the face. Shocked. Confused. Yet still, story of my life. It never fails, that no matter what, this is the end to everything. Me. Alone. As always. No kids. This is definitely it for me. No more marriages. No attempts at kids. Just me. Alone. Why not? Its how it'll end anyways. This will make 2. And both will end up married again with kids. One already did. Me? I'll be alone. Its not just me being pissed off, or depressed, or exaggerating. This is the way my life has always been. 1 good thing throws off everything and then a mudslide of chaos ensues. I thought i was safe. Then reality it. I'm not safe anywhere. Now i get to test the VA Psychiatrist waters, that I already know are tainted. Especially in PA.

So, its been fun, ok interesting. Have fun and just be glad your life isn't as FUCKED as mine will always be.

Six Douche

This place is a cesspool of incompetence and ingnorance. I get an email from my MEB doctor yesterday that they have no record of my packet EVER to reach the Warrior Transition Batallion. My 1sg said before he left tdy that he hadn't heard from them (i wonder why) and now my NCOIC says he over heard the speakerphone convo about me not being accepted. So, I have 3 different angles, all which point to me getting 'snowed' by my unit. Yea. The WTB Surgeon used that word. Lovely. I really can't deal with these bitches anymore.

The only fraction of good news i've gotten is that my doc estimates another 3-4 months before I become a civilian and get the fuck away from these ppl. Stress causes my pain to increase dramatically, and that is all there is here. Everyone sees it. No one will say anything.

What ever happened to taking care of your soldiers? Apparently this unit throws you under the bus and pretends you are the cause of it all.

Nate leaves for Bliss on Feb 15th. So, its me, kadie and darby for the next year. More money at least, but still. Most of my friends are either deploying, pcsing, etsing or have their own families to worry about. I guarantee you this is not going to end well. Hopefully planning the PTSD Awareness run will help keep me busy. But theres only so much of a conversation you can have with a dog.

Afghan

Its weird to know that my unit will be deploying and I wont be going. Don't get me wrong, i hate my unit and am happy I dont have to deal with Jeffers. But deployment wise, i dont feel like i should be back here at lewis.

Nate is going to Afghan... march-ish. But he's be gone by next month. And with most of my friends pcsing, deploying or moving i wont have a lot of friends here. Basically, I'll be here by myself. At least I'll get some school done I guess. Nate wont be able to do any school, so I'll be WAY ahead of him when he gets back.

Yea

So many things have changed in the last year and a half. I lost my mind, got married, lost it even more, and got a dog that has serious abandonment issues only to realize that she's me with fur.

Loud noises don't bug me like they did when I got back, but I still jump every time I hear a loud noise. I still get super angry really easy. More so than i did before I left. I get anxiety attacks still. I freak even more around male doctors because of what happened before. Basically I'm to the point where I'm officially a patient at Psychotherapy at Madigan. Awesome. So cleary, there's more issues than I thought existed. No surprise really.

Head doc tells me that considering everything I've been through since childhood, that i've done considerable well. But everyone breaks. I guess I just never know who i can talk to because I dont want to annoy anyone. So, i just snap when it builds up. Obviously not the best decision I ever made.

And this MEB stuff. In the last 4 years, I've have more medical problems than I've had my entire life. I've been in the ER 3 times for the same reason. And now that its official that I have Fibromyalgia, (a chronic pain disorder which has absolutely no cure for those who didn't know.) things have gotten considerably worse. The pain makes my anger increase because I'm so tired of hurting. They wont give me anything that works because its chronic so i'm just supposed to deal with it. So, I spent every day in agony. And despite the fact that I still force myself to get up and do stuff, i'm still extremely limited. PT is a bitch. Fatigue is a huge effect so i'm ALWAYS tired. Thus, why i'm on 8 hour duty days. Yet my unit puts me on FOD (Field officer of the day) which is a 24 hr duty. So I've decided that since all my MEB appointments are done and i'm just waiting for the summary, that i'm going to start logging everything. Past and present. Since I got threatened with an Art 15 for going to the ER for something that I the clinic can't handle.

I'm thinking about photocopying that counseling actually. Because it is THAT ridiculous. Ok so a LITTLE background. Had 2 ectopics before I deployed. So, i obviously know what the pain is, at least the general area. So, i get the pain. Freak because the 1st one required emergency surgery. I got to the ER because not only is it not a sick call issue... it was almost 10am. So i tell someone from my unit BEFORE I go. I get back from the ER after I found out it was something else medical wrong with me. Go to my unit to drop off my quarters slip that last only the remainder of the day. What does my unit do? Yell at me for like an hour because i didn't go to sick call and try to get a same day appt. Then I got a counseling statement for it. Technically as long as someone knows, then it dont matter. Because c'mon. So yea. I get accused of malingering because of that. WTF!!!! Yea. So no wonder i'm so stressed out lmao.

Anyways. Tomorrow is new years. I don't know if I'll be able to go out with Nate, his dad, his sister and her boyfriend. It all depends. If i'm in a lot of pain, I wont be able to be out for long. So, instead of ruining everyones time on new years, I'll stay home with the dog and do my midterm essay. I'd rather one of us has a shitty new years than everyone. How thoughtful right?