Empty is Empty.. no matter how you look at it...

The 'me' that some ppl see, is most def not the person I am inside. I am def not confident. I am def not sure about anything. Inside, I am still hollow. I am still broken. I try not to show it because I've been told that I'm the strong one. That basically means I'm supposed to be the one that never breaks. I did tho. 


Kinda sad actually. I tried so hard to be that 'right hook' 24/7. It wears on you tho. It's so exhausting. And when I broke.. it killed me that I had to wait for someone to call me back. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.. and my 'problems' are inconvenient for everyone. I just wish ppl would be straight with me and just be like, "Look. I'm sorry, but I don't have time in my life for you." Then there are those friends who seem to call because they feel guilty for not giving a shit before. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Its even worse that my own family doesn't even call to see how I am. It's straight up disappointing. I seriously feel abandoned. I've been 'adopted' in a few families. But it will never be the same. I always feel like the third wheel. Like someone else felt compelled to do it because of how I feel. It's hard to explain.

Might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a family. I have no idea whats its like, and I don't pretend to. Most ppl my age at least have a kid. Some of my friends have 3. As a chic, not having anything makes me feel like a failure. I honestly think I would of made a pretty good mom. But throughout the years, I've heard the same story. "I can't see you ever having kids." etc etc. Not even close. Oddly enough I had 2 goals in my life. 1. Being a Soldier. 2. Having a family. Took care of one... still an epic fail at #2. It's gotta be me. Seriously. 


It feels like I've spent my entire life having my heart ripped to shreds. I wouldn't even call it depression. I call it  Chronic Disappointment. I finally just gave up. I'm either in the 'friend zone' or would NEVER date the ppl interested in me LMFAO. For real. Can't win. So I figure, fuck it. If  I'm that big of a deal to someone, they know where I am. 


I don't want sympathy. I don't want ppl to feel bad. All I am lookin for are people who really know me, not on the internet, who genuinely give a shit about me. And I can't even tell you how hard that is to find. It's one thing to say you do, and it's another to really mean it. I have trust issues as it is. So, having my trust in someone proved to be fruitless...it crushes me more and more each time. Each time, I'm dragged under a little further. 


Just like I've told several people. I'm the poster child for Murphy's Law. If it CAN go wrong, oh it does. Without fail. Life is really just a game of chance. You win some. You lose some. But when you're losses outweigh your wins, it makes you wonder. Why the FUCK am I still doing this!? Why? Because like it or not, we are all holding the death card. It's just a matter of time before it cashes itself in. And I am not ready to go yet. I still have a chance. So many do and don't even realize it. Just because you think its pointless, doesn't mean it is. Just because you think your life no longer has a meaning, doesn't mean it does. Especially as a veteran...You came home. Honor those we lost by living. I live everyday hoping the next will get better. Does it? No. lol.But hey, we can't all be rockstars. I lose hope almost daily.. but I pick myself back up and soldier on. One way or another. 


So in closing, let me say this.


Empty is empty. There's no other way to explain it. The fact that we are still here gives people hope. Trust me. Our determination, selflessness and brute soul-taking strength empowers those around us. Whether we notice or not, people are actually paying attention and are envious of it. We are a different breed. NEVER forget that. 

Still Broken

I stopped doing this. Because really... who was listening.. The most response I got when ppl thought i was gonna kill myself.. But I guess if i'm not gonna off myself, ppl think i don't need help. Wrong.

I was so happy to get Bradley, as much of a pain in the ass as it was to train him, because then I wasn't completely alone. Then I had to hand him off because I wasn't allowed to have him. Now i'm completely isolated and spend 98% of my time on facebook. Why? WTF else am I gonna do? I hate not having the energy or strength to do much. I hate being sick. But theres only so much I can do. Cleaning my apt is a whole day affair because I have to take breaks so often. I used to be able to clean a 2 bedroom apt in no more than an hour. Do the math.

I hate calling people because I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Just because I don't have a family doesn't mean I have to right to intrude in it. Let  them be happy. No one has to be miserable like me. Its not their weight to carry. Its mine. I, just like all vets, just want what we earned. Its not another vets fault that I feel like i'm sinking. I just gotta suck it up like always. Its hard to do that all the time.. And I'm not one to call ppl about it. I like one on one time with someone who gets it.. but at the same time I trust no one. CLASSIC PTSD.

I wanna work, but know I'll never be able to hold a job. I'm too sick. Heart rate is crazy. Pain is rediculous. I still have no self esteem. Apparently I hide it all very well. Cuz the ppl who I thought got it, mostly because I've said it a million times, still say they had no clue. So either they didn't care enough to listen... or I am really that good at hiding it. Either is disturbing.

Nonetheless, No one will read this.

Bradley

I got to Redding 12 hours ago. Bradley walked right up to me. We bonded pretty quick.

 He's 7 wks old, still a young buck, and it shows. He's adorable. Def worth the 10 hour drive. Earlierl he was laying down with me, looked up, snuggled and put his mini paw in my eye. lol Too cute. The dad, Gage, has the biggest head I've ever seen. lol He has a habit of trying to flip the puppies. And because he so big, his paws get int he way and he tends to step on the puppies. Not intentionallly.. There's 2 puppies left. Both males. Gage likes to be up in my face all the time. lol Big boy loves attention. lol Sean has some good dogs tho. Gage cracks me up. Him and his big head. haha I call him "big head' instead of gage tho. haha

GAGE

This is the first time I've been on a computer since I left LB for the drive up. I can't wrap my head around the emails right now. Lack of sleep I'm guessing. But Tomorrow I'll see what I can do. Saturday is a good day to do it too. My chill day in Tracy with the pup before heading south. I'm tryin to get him used to wearing a colllar. Sean gave me a spiked on for him. Too big for now tho. It can be his pimp collar lol

Bradley's pretty smart, but I've watched him get bullied by the other 2 pups. (Reminds me of me at one point. haha) After a little paw to paw conversation, he's starting to nip back like his mama. haha Took him for a ride today. He's not a fan of the car just yet lol, but in his defense he had no idea what was going on hahaha He'll get used to it. Still a little confused about the 'outside'. I watched him tackle a leaf earlier. He likes those.

I've been super busy. Thats what happens when you show you're reliable. lol Got a few what i'll dub 'taskers' to look into.

Gonna try to get some more sleep, if those other 2 pups ever stop acting a fool haha  I know this blogs a little scattered. Think I'm gonna pass out. That drive was exhausting. If only I could find room on the couch amongst these dogs. lol

No one wants to admit they're broken...

Today I fell asleep in my car. Just straight kicked the seat back and passed out. Best sleep I've had in days. Go figure. It's probably a good thing that I was by myself most of the day. My PTSD was not cooperating. I can't wait to get Bradley. I need a comfort zone.

It's 11pm and I'm back to sitting in the car thinking. This trip was a great idea because it's given me an opportunity to see clearly again. Doesn't look All that great, but I'll be ok. I didn't realize I was surviving on hope. Which is stupid. Because it clearly isn't working. Tried going with the flow. You see where that got me. I'm done caring. My focus will stay where it belongs. On veterans. I just need to be able to get from day to day.  Aside from that, I'm used to being by myself. I think as long as I have someone to hang out with every now and then, it'll do.

As soon as figure it all out, I'll be straight. Just lots of randoms going on. I set up a surprise for a badass 11yr old. I have an event in studio city on the 15th. I'm moving, getting Bradley next month... There's a lot lol. Oh. A veteran called the Warrior Distress Line and it did exactly what it was meant to do.  Allowed the veteran to talk to another veteran. And he said he will be spreading the word. :)) so we're gonna need more volunteers. Glad it helped him.

It occurred to me today that as long as I had a place to shower, I could easily live in my car. I really don't think it would bother me. I got my cell...with Internet. Maybe I'm just getting used to being in my car. Meh.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Maybe it's because of my mid day nap. Maybe not. All I know is that although I'm in limbo at the moment, I feel more at home here. I'm not sure why. Sure, the streets are fuckin confusing. But I'll get used to it. I wish I wasn't physically broke. I'd start skating again. lol

Don't ask me why, but I'm watching Oprah. lol The dude from Dirty Jobs is on there. Talkin about Deadliest Catch and how it shows how real it is. Yet, they canceled "Over There" (which I own)after only one season, because the public couldn't handle it. THAT is a truth they need to get. Combat is the only dangerous thing, that the public can't handle. Yet we entertain their ignorance. Sad.

It used to be appalling, the way this country has come to think. Now? I'm not even surprised that veterans get shafted in any way they can sneak it in. Always trying to take away rights WE fought for. Not the idiots protesting abortion. US. You'd think out of respect to our sacrifices, they'd AT LEAST do as they promised. Guess we're not that important. Just wait. When everything goes to hell. Those same people talking shit, will be looking at us to protect them...again. What are they gonna do if we can't because of those broken promises? I'm just sayin. We don't owe anyone shit. As far as I'm concerned, this country owes US. So, get on it. 

Turns out I'm not gonna be a loser for New Years :))

Been really looking for Rent to Own places in LB. I found 5 I'm gonna call about. Then if there's anything I actually wanna 'pursue', I'll check 'em out when I get down that way in Jan. I'm so fuckin excited. Seriously. Like, you don't even know. haha

Honestly, I space a lot. All I can think about is just moving. Getting it over with and not have some crazy shit happen. If the Army would give me my $ this would be even easier. haha! I'm waitin on all kinds of shit. lol

Ok. So this is new. Really. I still don't know how to respond to this kind of stuff lol. People seem to think that I'm a piece of meat apparently. Guys are coming out of the woodwork with some CRAZY ass shit. I mean really. Chill out. I had a few tell me they wanted to move here cuz of me. Dude. OMG. lmfao No. I'm good thanks. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have sometimes lol Definite confidence booster tho!!

I have absolutely no plans for New Years. I'm guessing I'll be right here. Fuck I hope not. I can't just keep sitting here. Nowhere to go really. I mean I could go to LB... if I had money. lmfao or Redding, but that ALSO requires money. So I'll just sit here and put "The Santa Clause" on repeat. JK :) I'll probably snipe my way through the New Year and not even realize it lmao.

Ok. I could of just rewrote the above paragraph, but yea. As long as its moderately close of course lol, I'm going to N.Y.E. on New Years with Jeff (AKA SoldierHard). Should be, well, awesome. I haven't done anything fun in a long time. Shits about to do a 180, so might as well start the year of a little crazy huh? lol

Its 0238. I'm still awake. Never fails. I just wanna be able to sleep. Not sure what it is. I feel safe here, so that's not it. I just feel uneasy I think. And that could be caused by a lot of things. I got a lot of traveling ahead of me. My body is already protesting lol.

Think I'm gonna go lay down with my extra pillow and a heating pad. I gotta have some decent movies in this room somewhere.

Buddy the Elf, whats your favorite color? :))

Think it's far enough into Christmas to start this thing off. I got up at like 11, got ready. Most of the day I was either outside or in my room chillin'. Nadia was out in the living room, Jason and John playing Modern Warfare, and Tony in HIS room. Not much for a gathering haha. Not much longer and I'll have a puppy to keep me from being so lonely all the time. We got like 1 picture taken. So, that needs done. We just need one workable one really.

Dinner was good. We had ham, stuffing, gravy, salad, yummy biscuits, homemade cranberry sauce and yams. I think that's all of it lol I only had ham, stuffing and biscuits. Got the stomach capacity of an infant apparently. lol

Lucky seriously cracks me up. He's definitely a talker lol. Ellie actually seemed happy to have him around. Apparently she's not a fan of not being the center of attention lol. Reminds me of some of the people I know. haha It was kind of cute to find a present To: Ellie From: Papa under the tree. I'd of done the same thing if I had Bradley right now.

Got to watch "Elf". Problem was, it was on like.. repeat. Kinda funny that I seen a news article highlighting the fact this year was crap for Christmas movies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. I think TBS has that 25 days of Christmas thing, but the movies slotted for this year were horrible. I mean c'mon! "Ernest saves Christmas". No? That's a classic! I had to wait til Christmas eve to see "The Santa Clause". (I ended up bumping up my Netflix to 3 discs to get 1-3.) Thank you network television for being so cheap you dampened my Christmas spirit. Now smack yourself repeatedly.

It rained pretty hard today. Of COURSE it did. haha It WAS nice for a little bit. Which I definitely missed today. I actually miss PA Christmas's. Where there's so much snow, you can easily opt out of visiting. "Sorry [insert name here]. The roads are just too bad to drive in." Solves that problem lol  Tho, most don't because they're softy's. lol  If it were me, It would go something like this. -> "You don't want me there trust me. If I have to drive in it, I'm gonna be an asshole all day." Pretty much sums it up right? I will inadvertently make you hate life because I had to drive in it. lol For safety reasons, I would be a genius.

One person called today. Adam. He's kinda awesome like that. I got a bunch of texts tho. Some of them I woke up to. 6 to be exact. Others I prompted. My own mother didn't call lol. I COULD of called her, but I'm sorry, why does it always have to be me? lol Would it kill someone to call ME for once? I'm on that kick right now. I was actually about win a bet with myself that no one would call. hahaha Dammit. ;)

It's 0332. I should be asleep. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm barely here. And suddenly just want to watch Harry Potter. THAT is Kiley's fault. Damn you Kiley Hora. haha Hey. We all like something we're actually embarrassed to tell others. Some claim they're not intimidated, but we all know they secretly love playing with Barbie's. hahah  :)

Lori & Religion :: What no one really knew til now.

Christmas Day. Finally we have reached this holiday, dreaded by many. Not because of the religious factor, but because it's lonely. This time of year is supposed to be about being with family and friends. But what do you do, if you don't exactly have that? What if you still feel isolated? What if... you spend Christmas alone? Some just can't really afford to do the big commercial Christmas thing. And in my opinion, the poorer you are; the more you understand what really matters in life. Being spoon fed money, power and bullshit will get you nowhere but going through life arrogant and pathetic. The downside is that being poor doesn't exactly help you buy your kid presents. They just learn the hard way what it's like to have nothing; what it's like to barely survive the holidays. The 'privileged' will never know what it's like to pray, wish or hope for a Christmas miracle. Because they voted on their salary before they left for the holidays, while Bills that benefit Veterans and American citizens are done at their leisure. No rush. Funny how that works. Americans are losing their homes because they got laid off and all they can think about is how much money they're gonna add to their already ridiculous salary. I know I'm venting, and I'm sorry. Cuz, ya know, it's Christmas. But I gotta get it out somehow. there will probably be another one later. I expect today to be camera worthy, because it is definitely gonna be interesting.

I'm hoping that next year, after I get settled finally, Christmas will be better. Not just better, the best. That's my plan. I've had enough shitty, depressing, lonely and literally painful Christmas's. enough that I was about to throw in the 'toy bag'. Each year it got worse. each year it was the same. things are about to change. I've regained a very important part of me that was lost there for a while. The part that allows to laugh at futile attempts at trying to 'hurt' me, that reminds me that I can't save everyone, and kindly tells me to go where my soul leads me. And honestly, I've secretly always wanted to live in long beach haha. I'm gonna scope it out while I'm down south for the event in Studio City. On the way back up, I'm just gonna go straight to Redding. Why? 

Bradley, about a week or 2 old. 

BRADLEY!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep! Soon!! Gotta commandeer some doggy stuff (bed, leash, crate, treats, food, dishes, a vet!! lol) for the little guy. I'm SOOOO excited about Bradley. In March or April, I drive BACK down to Long Beach to solidfy everything for the move. The next time I show my face in Long Beach, I won't be leaving. :) 

I noticed that my bullshit tolerance has decreased. Which is a part of who I used to be. I never put up with ANYONE's bs. Ever. I ended up just following along, never knowing what was going on or where I was going, until I snapped. It's a hard way to hit bottom. Like jumping off the grand canyon. Surviving that would be a miracle. God himself would have to float down and help cushion your fall. . I'm kinda of stuck in the middle. Which is a problem for some people, because they don't understand why I'm not like them. There's a reason why I'm not a fan of religion. Look at what people do when they take their faith to a whole new deadly level. I've seen the worst in people. I was a case that didn't get religious while I was in Iraq. I fear what it does to people who are easily swayed. Here's a little background, and oddly I don't think this has EVER come up in conversation. I was born a protestant, went to church with my grandfather every Sunday until his death. I actually learned how to tie my shoes in church. :) I've read the bible at least 10 times and there's a lot in there that just doesn't make sense to me. I'm a realist. I act on fact not faith. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to get back to the little girl who hardly ever missed a Sunday School. We shall see.

 

Some things, there's just no coming back from. You're not really  'in a pickle'. You're stubborn.  Just keep moving...and don't look back.  The longer you stick around, the harder it is to leave. Not even because you WANT to stay, but because that life is set to a routine. Call it 'force of habit'. Stop being lazy. Pack your shit and go. Run even. If you're that unhappy, why would you stay? Be kinda stupid huh. Of course this advise is easier said than done. Not that it's an issue NOW. Because if I could, I'd move to Long Beach tonight.

The stars shine no matter where you are. All you need to do find a place that fits you. Risks are the fun part of life. The EPIC FAILS that follow? not so much.