Facing the Storm

I have to mentally prepare myself for this new life. This lonely life. With memories of war and chaos, and loud noises that stop me in my tracks. I have to heal in order to help others. But helping others is what heals me. I'm in for a long road trip straight to my own hell. Unpredictable. And thats putting it nicely. I'm not up to see many people. I just wanna be alone. Yet I hate being alone. I'm just so messed up I think. I need to get to the VA and see if i'm one of the few ppl they'll help. Cuz I def. need it.

Instead of moving forward where I can see clearly, I move towards a challenge. Facing the storm. But what am I proving? That i'll always be dumb ass? That all always end up where I am right now? Alone and confused. I'm damaged goods. No one wants to deal with that...not really. Some say its not a problem, then a few months down the road they act like they didn't know. Guess its the price we pay in our lifelong effort to find someone who will understand you, love you and not throw everything in your face. But the disappointment grows when you keep getting thrown to the ground. It gets harder and harder to get back up and shrug it off.

I'm not supposed to have feelings. I'm supposed to suck it up, soldier on and fight the good fight. But what if i just don't have it in me anymore? What if i'm at a place in my life now that, i just don't give a shit anymore. Feelings I can push aside long enough to help someone who needs it. Then back to me. My broken heart, and soul... the one no one really sees.. or even cares about. I'm just a pon in this life. One that very few understand... or take the time to understand. Left to suffer silently.

I just wanna run, and never look back. No ties to the old life. Just leave without saying goodbye. I'll just be someone you all knew. Is it better that way? I have no idea. But its been on my mind for a long time. The only problem is... i can't run away from myself and who i am. So doing it might be pointless. But in my twisted mind, this is the only way for my heart to heal... for my soul to heal....

Alone

I've been so out of it lately. I've been trying to keep it all together,but its a lot harder than it used to be. I'm broken. Dying inside. I'm numb....hollow. I wish there was a way to change that. I don't know how. My life has been nothing but disappointment. One decent thing is overshadowed by everything that consumes me. I'm falling apart. And there's no one to lean on here. Maybe things will change when I leave. I hope so. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Constantly shaking. I try to be positive, but then I look around. No one is there. No one is ever there. I don't foresee anything changing. I'm too broken to recover. I have no family. I have no basis to go on. I wish I knew how I got to this point. I wish I knew how to fix this.

I've come to the realization that I will spend the rest of my life alone, in pain and tormented. Its hard to accept, but I dont have a choice. My whole basis to go on has nothing to do with me. It's just about who I may be able to help in a somewhat indirect way. But how long can I keep doing that? It's hard to push through when you have nothing left to live for........

The Downward Spiral

Over the last few years, a lot of shit has happened. Very few have been good. Most.. have been bad. Iraq has changed me for the worse and I don't know how to fix it. Anger has increased dramatically. Panic attacks at random and the trigger is unknown. Anxiety attacks... same thing. Although anything that sounds like a firefight, an explosion or loud noises can throw me into attacks, sometimes they don't. Sleeping is interesting. And then theres my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Which leaves me in pain 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. Everyday for the rest of my life I will be in pain. All medication makes me gain weight that I can't seem to lose. Two rapes in Japan where the military did nothing and they lost at least one of my rape kits. No arrests. No nothing. My counselor told me it was my fault, but everyone knows thats bullshit. 1 divorce from an abusive husband where I lost pretty much everything except my computer and my Ipod. Several losses of friends lives to which most I still haven't excepted. A douchbag ex that stole thousands of dollars from me, furniture and even tried to take my car. Frequent bouts of depression. An incident I won't give details for that show just how fragile war vets are and how little anyone seems to care. The chances of me being able to be a mother are so small that its virtually non-existent. And now this new pending last minute divorce thrown at me only weeks from my ets date. Leaving me to find out what I'm supposed to. So many bad things. And I didn't even get into how fucked my unit is and how much they tried to screw me.

Good things? I got 20% disability for my Fibromyalgia that will give me at least $34,000 tax free severance pay. So, my bills will be paid. And for some reason, I'm still alive.

But I have no family. No animals left. I have furniture that has to sit in storage. And a life that officially has no meaning or purpose. The only thing I can think of is helping Nick the best I can. Helping others with PTSD if possible. But aside from that, I am alone. Left to struggle and fight a losing war with the system. Left to wonder what it is that makes me so susceptible to negativity. Helping others is a nice thought, but how can I do that if I can't help myself?

I've had like 2 panic attacks in the last week. And I have no one to turn to here. Everyone is either on the internet or somewhere else. I wish I knew how to stop them, but I don't. I'm consistently hyper-vigilant. But that's a war thing, and is extremely hard to turn off. I'm not even sure if I can. I don't feel safe without a weapon. I'm just so messed up and have no hope of being anything like who I was. So what do I do? Right now, all I can do is try to pull it all together until at least the moving part is over. After that, I can't promise anything. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I need to keep myself together at least for a little while longer.

Ironically, if I'm working on something for Nick, I seem to be able to pull it off. But when that all stops, or I stop thinking about that, I forget what to do. I wish I knew what the trigger is so I can avoid it. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.

Fading

My life has been nothing but an example of how not to live your live. I’ve done so many things. Most for others. Yet it seems that its never enough. And I end up the same way I enter my days. Alone.

Who am I to complain? I’ve had it all more than once. And panicked. And ended up losing it all. So, while they will end up happy, have their kids, or whatever. I will be alone. Painfully alone. Its my fault. Its always my fault. I’m nothing without my vices. And my vices are what make me the way I am. I’m always one step behind. And look at me now. Scrambling last minute, struggling to make it and just figuring this out.

I’ll be alone for a while and forget all over again. Theres something seriously wrong with me. But apparently my purpose on this earth is not to be happy. Maybe its to push others in that direction. Like a traffic cop for souls. So, as I sit alone yet again, it dons on me. This wont change. I can work my ass off for the rest of my life, and get no where. Because what I want has nothing to do what where I’m going.

Failure

Too much torment and chaos in my life. When others cool down, mine heats up. And has a habit of staying that way for years. So, here i sit; shot in hand trying to come to terms with the fact i'm a fucking failure. It never ends. One good thing happens and a hurricane of torment comes my way. I want to scream, but have no voice. Just sit here hoping to fade away. Music has always been my only outlet. But as times change, everything changes. I've been able to tell my incarcerated cousin more than i've been able to tell most people. Maybe there was always a connection through all the years of nothing; or maybe i'm just fucking crazy and just hope i have a connection with SOMEONE. I have no clue.

Either way, i'm losing my mind. And just in time. Just in time to go home to PA to the biggest fucking failure of VA hospitals. Where the citizens mostly look at you like you're just crazy. Its the one place i never wanted to go back to. Yet since i have no choice...i'll stay til Nicks trial is over. Then move to Florida. Away from the cold. Away from every memory i've ever had. And start over. I need to. I have to. I have no other choice. If i don't, i might as well be dead.

Impending Doom

I received nates decision like a slap in the face. Shocked. Confused. Yet still, story of my life. It never fails, that no matter what, this is the end to everything. Me. Alone. As always. No kids. This is definitely it for me. No more marriages. No attempts at kids. Just me. Alone. Why not? Its how it'll end anyways. This will make 2. And both will end up married again with kids. One already did. Me? I'll be alone. Its not just me being pissed off, or depressed, or exaggerating. This is the way my life has always been. 1 good thing throws off everything and then a mudslide of chaos ensues. I thought i was safe. Then reality it. I'm not safe anywhere. Now i get to test the VA Psychiatrist waters, that I already know are tainted. Especially in PA.

So, its been fun, ok interesting. Have fun and just be glad your life isn't as FUCKED as mine will always be.

Six Douche

This place is a cesspool of incompetence and ingnorance. I get an email from my MEB doctor yesterday that they have no record of my packet EVER to reach the Warrior Transition Batallion. My 1sg said before he left tdy that he hadn't heard from them (i wonder why) and now my NCOIC says he over heard the speakerphone convo about me not being accepted. So, I have 3 different angles, all which point to me getting 'snowed' by my unit. Yea. The WTB Surgeon used that word. Lovely. I really can't deal with these bitches anymore.

The only fraction of good news i've gotten is that my doc estimates another 3-4 months before I become a civilian and get the fuck away from these ppl. Stress causes my pain to increase dramatically, and that is all there is here. Everyone sees it. No one will say anything.

What ever happened to taking care of your soldiers? Apparently this unit throws you under the bus and pretends you are the cause of it all.

Nate leaves for Bliss on Feb 15th. So, its me, kadie and darby for the next year. More money at least, but still. Most of my friends are either deploying, pcsing, etsing or have their own families to worry about. I guarantee you this is not going to end well. Hopefully planning the PTSD Awareness run will help keep me busy. But theres only so much of a conversation you can have with a dog.