Baghdad ER and my "tailspin"

So, I got it because I kept telling myself I had to see it. But hindsite is 20/20. I should never of turned it on. I'm expecting a bad night alone. Seeing and hearing all of it.. the bodies, the blood, the explosions. This was a very bad idea. It makes you think. "Man Lori. That could of been you." I realize how much I hate this war. How much I'm tired of losing guys to this shit. It makes me cry. From a person who never cried, to a person who just can't stop.

"We don't want you to go. We want you to fight. But if you can't, its ok to go. Its ok to go."

I hate it. Why am I watching this? I LOST it.

I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea. I just watched the life leave his body. Even on film and not being there, knowing he was one of ours... it kills me. I mean, our guys get hit so hard, and fight so hard to live, and they just... don't. I don't where all this is coming from. It started this morning. Maybe its the lack of sleep. Seeing as I haven't slept in goin on 2 days. I just can't do it.

And as I'm writing this, I get a phone call from a Marine thinking I was Jess. And sounded pissed off he got me instead. FML. I'm useless. I can't help anyone. Today is just a bad day for me. I"m sorry for all this. I need to get out of here. Before i pull a disappearing act. Wish I knew what to say to people. I just don't. I can't be helping people anyways right now. Not in my condition. Not without someone here to talk to,. I'm always alone. A face to face would be nice. But i got a cat who stares at me and a dog who just wants to be annoying.

So what do i do? How can i help people when I need the help too? When people would rather talk to someone else. I think I'm the one who needs a battle buddy.

Cali

So, i'm moving to Cali on June 11th. I'm stoked! Can't wait to get out there. Got so much going on and it'll be good to be around people who understand what i'm going through. Plus no snow, so winter wont be as hard on me.

I'm feeling ok lately. Probably cuz i'm so busy. But whatever works right? And i know i'm helping other people. Especially those I served along side; fellow veterans. FMS is still kicking my ass and i'm always in pain, but i'm waiting on my meds the VA prescribed for me. Johns gonna walk me through the VA so I dont get screwed. So that'll be good. Got all the piercings I wanted and next week tat #8. I'm way too excited. Its pricey to move, but totally worth it.

We got the J.O.S.L. (Joint Org Support Line) set up. Where vets can get help. It has the Warrior Distress Line, Vets in Need and Battle Buddy. *1-800-689-1850*

Vets in Need

Shortly after we launched Vets in Need, we got a request. We're working on his request right now. Not just monetary stuff, but help with the VA. This just goes to show that all the hard work is paying off, and people know they can reach out to us for help. This makes me happy. :) Lets hope today stays a good one.

Walls closing in

So, I get told today that 'its not working out" and to " move up your date to move to cali". In a nutshell, its an eviction notice. It never fails. I finally think I'll have some stability and BAM! Gone.

I'm just so fuckin tired of people proving what i already know I'm not wanted anywhere.

Standing Against the Rain

Where do i start? They made me take out my lip ring...which was almost healed. I flipped about that. Safety reasons my ass. Then my phone...my lifeline. O and this one nurse was convinced I've taken it out before and was lying when i said i've never taken it out. She kept calling me a liar. Never took it out... until they did. How quick there were to judge.

It wasn't a complete waste of time tho. Cus the head doc write 'severe ptsd' on my chart that goes to the VA. So, thats one step down. I have 2 appts at the VA in Johnstown on the 18th. I just dont like being isolated. Sometimes you just need a hug. You'll never get that in there. So thats kind of depressing, but i'm ok.

Only one person calls. But that one in particular has a way of always cheering me up. So, he's helped more than I can ever say.

The doc says he thinks i should stay longer ( for at least a week), but honored my 72 release request. I ended up out today at like 1230.

Mass Confusion

My life is utter chaos. Theres problems popping up everywhere. I'm not motivated to deal with any of it. I guess I just hating finding out shit from other ppl or posts. It irritates me. There's my psycho mother who is ALWAYS starting shit with everyone. If there's a feud, she had something to do with it. Its ALWAYS been like that. I don't even talk to her anymore, and she's still finding ways to piss me off. My cousin had her as a friend on facebook and she could see her just slamming my sister and talkin shit about everyone other than her perfect obedient son... My family is so fuckin dysfunctional.

Then theres the fact that my life is fuckin chaos right now. I'm so messed up. I dont cry... ever... I didn't even cry when i punched a cement brick and damn near broke my hand... but lately.. thats all do. I'm so frustrated, so confused, so helpless. I hate everything about today. Today was stupid. All i managed to get done was get a new license, that i look HORRIBLE in. The rest of the day was horrible. And i knew it would be.

I just want to die. I have no reason to be here. I really thought I did, but I just can't shake the feeling that i'm nothing. I watch all these ppl with their kids, and families... and i'm sitting in my dads house at 27... with nothing but a computer. My only outlet. TRYING to be quiet because they're asleep downstairs.

I have nothing to live for. the main reason i came back was to help nick, and i can't even do that. every single idea is shot down. i have no family of my own. i have no animals. i have me. and this computer...everyone i talk to is on facebook. what does that say about me? that i have no life. that i have nothing. i tried to keep myself busy. i thought that would help. it didn't. i'm still just as fucked up as i was. i even posted blogs on facebook, hoping someone could read through the lines and be like 'hey, somethings not right.' but no. just business as usual.

i dont care who my shit goes to. i have a whole bunch of shit that needs picked up at walmart. and entire bedroom set. you can toss all my shit. i don't care either way.

Falling Away

Another day has come and gone, and my sleeping problems remain. The physical and mental pain is exhausting. But I remain. Barely making it from day to day. But I have to make it. There is no fail. So, I have to fix myself. I'll figure all this out someday. But for now, i just have to power through it.

Tryin to get all my shit straight. Its hard. I can't even place my words right now. All I know is that more friends are goin back to combat or already there. I got so much going on, but at the same time nothing. I'm numb most of the time, because I can't afford to let myself go. But then I become vulnerable to even more severe panic attacks. I try to keep myself busy. But i'm so worried about what will happen. Not just to me, but to ppl i know. I just wish i knew how to fix everything. Just thinking about a bad outcome shoots my anxiety way up. And I worry how my friends are REALLY doing. How the war effects them. Are they like me? Do they have that same constant fear?

Then on top of that, I have everything else. The impending doom that is my so called love life, the fibromyalgia... my future, if there is one. I made it through so much, but iraq broke me. And now i'm trying to recover. The war will never leave me.. it just doesn't. I just wanna be able to live again. To be happy for once. But i have my doubts. Being a hopeless romantic and being alone is just a horrible combination. I thought i was doing ok. I guess I was way off. I'm just too broken to be happy i guess. Man, how i wish it was different. I just hope the skies clear for me soon on one of them. I could really use the break in disappointment and devastation.