Another day of chaos

I'm not sure how I even got to this point. Always sacrificing for others and in the end, I am left carrying the weight. Its obvious that I care too much about other people. And its also obvious that no one shares the same feelings as me. I knew a long time ago, I wouldn't have much of a future. I knew that I'd end up dying alone, no kids and probably just a pet. I've tried enough in my life to have a future, and it seems that I'm just not supposed to have one.

I have no one to talk to. I'm just supposed to keep it all in. And even if I try to vent to someone else, if other people hear it, I get told to stop bitching. I feel unwanted and that I don't belong. I really wish my life didnt' suck like it does. I wish I had someone to listen to me. Like face to face. Not on the internet. But, I dont have that. I'm just supposed to suck it up.

I'm at a point where I need someone physically here to help me. And even tho theres people around, I still feel alone. Like I'm the only one around. No matter where I am, I dont feel like I belong.

People always say to call if I need someone to talk to. I could, but I dont feel like doing that over the phone. It'd be nice to have someone around who understands what I'm going through. I just dont. Well, theres a few with ptsd around, but none of them care unless its about them. All I know, is that never again will I pick up my life and move across the country. For anyone. For any reason. Why sacrifice for someone else, when they are not willing to even recognize that you're suffering too? Its a life I don't feel is worth living.

Fallout

I officially have nothing left to lose. The fallout from my PTSD has stripped me of everything I thought I had. I'm now left with confusion and the reminder of how messed up I really am.

I started wearing a black onyx necklace. I looked up the meaning and its supposed to repel negative energy. So, I don't have thoughts racing through my head anymore, but the severity of the fallout from my PTSD is what is taking its toll right now. I feel lost and alone. And I have a feeling I will always feel like that. I just can't do anything right anymore. I'm so stressed, but holding it together as much as I can.

I dont care who reads this anymore. I need a vacation. I need a break from all this shit. I need to just disappear.

There is no such thing as sunshine and rainbows in my life. Theres just confusion. I wish I had some answers as to how and why my life repeatedly takes a cliff dive. I'm tired of hitting bottom. Nothing like being kicked when you're down.

I have to play like i'm happy go lucky when on facebook most of the time, because if I dont, i get yelled at and/or attitude. I fought for my freedom... and now I get yelled at for expressing it? I lost every right I had a long time ago apparently. I'm just tired of ppl expecting me to be the stand up guy... would it kill for someone to give me a fuckin hug? Ppl that are around my all the time just ignore it. When a hug is literally what would help get me out of this 'funk' that i'm in. Its amazing how elusive ppl can bt. How can you not know whats wrong with me? If you dont you're a complete moron.

Slowly burning

I feel lost. Confused. Betrayed. Cheated. Unwanted.

I can't trust anyone, but in my defense, its hard to do that when they give you every reason to not trust them. Secret texting and messaging. Secret phone calls. I'd check to verify, but am afraid of what i'll find. So I live angry at myself, and in denial that it can't be happening to me... again. Flirting with every girl. Calling them all beautiful but the one they're supposed to be dating.. and in love with. No wonder i feel used.

When do I get to be happy? When is it gonna be MY turn? I've been walked all over my whole life. Simply because I gave them a chance and I end up powerless and weak in the end. I just pick up the pieces of my broken heart up off the floor and throw them in my trunk.. and off i go. Hoping to find peace and stability. Then get walked all over again. Words mean nothing to me anymore. I'm a broken mess and no one seems to truly care but me.

I'm tired of hearing lies and empty words. I just want the truth. When are guys gonna learn that we'd rather you admit that you dont love us, so we can move on and find someone who does. When are guys gonna realize that we love being told we're beautiful, yet they never say it unless they're not dating you. Maybe I just have bad luck with guys...maybe i'm just ugly. Maybe its all because i'm stupid and gullible... and easy to fool. How can I be confident, when you're tone and words make me feel like shit? How can I have self esteem when you tell everyone but me how beautiful they are... and that they should come tuck you in... Yes I seen that text. And let me tell you, it took all i had to not cut that bitch from vag to voicebox. Everyone thinks i'm stupid..

Newsflash guys. I WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING LYING. So stop.

I don't like being silenced. Or told to not talk about stuff on FB. Who am I supposed to talk to? All i have these days is my phone and my computer. Too much going on around me. So why do I feel so isolated? I can see it now. I'll get chewed out for posting this. Like I do for everything. No one wants to hear how I feel. Its been like that for years. People just ask, why I keep trying to get attention. Trust me. If i really wanted attention, i'd become a hooker.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on living this way. At the end of the day, I dont feel like I made a difference. I feel like there's something i'm not being told. But i'm too afraid to bring it up. Because, right now... without this... i have nothing. No one to even pretend they give a shit.

I'm not suicidal. I just need someone to talk to. That wants to listen and cares how I feel. Someone I can sit down face to face with and just talk. Every time i've tried to do that in the last few months, I get cut off or just get the reponse, "Ok?" Further proof that I'm solo on this mission against PTSD. People around me know about it... some have it. So why stir the pot when you know what my response is gonna be? If you know I've had no treatment and tend to get pissed off easily... theres an easy solution for that. Stop pissing me off. Stop talking to me like a fuckin piece of shit subordinate. Talk to me like a human. We're all broken. Theres no reason to get cocky. I feel like shit everyday as it is. Raising your voice will not help. And talking to me like I"m stupid? Makes me feel like shit even more. The only escape I have is music. Music doesn't yell at me. Music doesn't bitch me out for having an opinion. Music doesn't throw a fit when I use the first amendment that I mother fuckin fought for. Music is just... music.

I need a new life. One without criticism. One without lies. One without secret girlfriends. I want to be happy... to someday be a mom... to not be in pain. But I've been dealt different cards. To be unhappy, unable to have kids, miserable, constantly in pain, constantly alone, always on guard, always afraid, and never happy with where I am. My life's been torn apart by the parasites that I let in. And now theres nothing left for me to give. My soul has been burned. My heart has been destroyed. My will to go on... died a long time ago.

Ready to go

So, I think I've been in KY for long enough. I'm so ready to go home. Too many people, crowded elevators, personal standards... bla bla bla. I dont have the clothes required to do this type of thing. If I ever get some money, I can go shopping for it. But right now, I can barely pay my phone bill. Funny how that works.

So, I'm really dizzy and falling asleep. A few more days left in KY and I guess we're going to Tennessee... then back to Cali. Cant wait.

asfdasd

So, its my birthday. Of course Facebook told everyone, so my page is filled with 'happy birthdays'. Thats the only reason people knew. No one remembers my birthday anymore. And being single sucks. But, its whatever. So, my birthday will be spent being somewhere I didn't really wanna be. Is the hotel nice? Uh.. yes. But I don't wanna argue with people about how we should be treated or how it works. Just let us tell YOU what WE want... Tell is how much of what we're saying is already available but not advertised.. and lets move on. Seriously. Younger veterans...pretty much all of us have PTSD and/or TBI. We don't have the patience to sit there. Not to mention the fact that sitting in briefings is actually painful for some of us. It's more like punishment. Its like "thanks for volunteering to come to KY. Now sit here and don't move. I'll give you cookies later."

I heard a rumor about going to TGI Fridays for dinner? Meeting people? Who knows. I think i'd just like someone to remember my birthday w/o Facebook telling them. Or at least pretending they knew lol. I have a days full of stuff I don't wanna do. I can't advertise what i do like other people can. I'm not like that. I think i've more than proven that. So, why ppl expect me to just walk up to random ppl and talk is beyond me. Thats hard for me. I'm not that kind of person. And I don't drink anymore, so that wont help. I just don't wanna do this stuff. I really don't. I just wanna sleep. I wanna be pain free for a day. The VA won't do shit for me. So, yea. I just feel miserable and would rather disappear.

No one reason these stupid things anyways, so i'm not even sure why i'm sittin here.

Busy Busy Busy

So, I've been really busy lately. Which is quelled my PTSD for now. It's been sneaking back bit by bit tho. Slowly making its return back into my life more and more each day. I've been trying to stop that from happening, but every vet knows that it never goes away. We just have to learn how to deal with it.

I'm currently in Louisville, KY for the National AMVETS Convention and 21st Century Veterans Symposium. I gotta say that the hotel is awesome and so is the room I got. Its definitely the nicest hotel room I've EVER been in. So, although the drive here was both good and bad, (Took almost 400 pictures on the way here.) it was definitely worth just for the room alone.

Not Enough

Regardless of what I have done thus far, I still feel like I haven't done enough. I do my veteran thing, tryin to go back to school, AMVETS, etc etc. I've never gotten to a point where I feel content. I never really feel accomplished. Maybe I'm not supposed to until things change. I never expect anyone to actually read these, but i guess getting it out kind of helps. It allows me to go back and see how better or worse I've gotten since my return. So far, I think I've progressed. But who am I to say. I'm the same person who said I didn't have PTSD. Most of us say the same thing. "Na. Not me. I'm just readjusting."

A lot has changed in the last few months, but most remain the same. 4th of July was interesting. Some vets are okay with fireworks, the random loud noises and gunshots... I'm not. I'm in the category of those that can't handle it. I wish you could turn it off, but as everyone knows. War effects people differently. I'm always afraid something bad is gonna happen. Sad part of that is the 'bad feeling' thing I get. I've never been wrong when I get those. Ever. I can tell the difference of the constant fear from the 'bad feeling' apart, so I guess thats a good thing? Not sure really. I've always hated being able to tell when something bad would happen, yet never know when something good would happen. That intuitive misery is my downfall.

The VA is as useless as always. I went there to try and get some sort of pain relief. Their answer? They can't give me any pain meds because I have PTSD. Are you kidding me?!? So, not I have to deal with the PTSD and the severe pain on my own as always. I never seem to get the help I need from these idiots. And they wonder why we have no faith in them. And ask anyone that knows me; being in pain makes me cranky. But I push through it because I know that there are others far worse off than I am. So, I do what I've always done. Power through the pain.

There's so many things I wish I could change. From the way people think to the danger people are put in. Unfortunately, I can't change any of that. With some people, I can almost pinpoint every word they will say in conversation. Probably cuz I've heard it at least 30 times. Just sayin. Yet at the same time, so secretive my life has been. I can't tell people what I want to tell them. Some, because I've been sworn to secrecy because of their own agenda. Others, because it could hinder, or at worst; destroy our mission in helping veterans. Tho everyone knows... there's nothing worse than a pissed off veteran.

Despite everything, I still firmly believe that there is a reason for everything. I know theres a reason that bullet just missed my head. I know theres a reason I came home. I know theres a reason I ended up in California. It's just putting it all together thats quite a bit of a task. Connecting the dots, if you will. So, hopefully all goes as smooth as possible. Cross your fingers.