You don't have to like everything about someone, to love them as a person.

It's been raining for like... weeks. Which is good since I haven't heard Smoky the Bear freak the fuck out cuz some dumbass started a forest fire.  So, that's always a plus. On the downside? We've had so much rain, there's been flooding and mudslides. Shit is crazy. Last year it was WA state that had the mudslides. It's like shitty weather follows me everywhere. Well, except for snow. Which is just.. well... weird. 

I hear it's been snowin' pretty bad in PA. But that's normal. It's PA...in winter. I found the pictures of the 'snow porn' we did on the lawn of the new barracks haha. Hilaaarious. I won't post them tho. Too graphic for some haha. I also realized that THAT was the last time I seen snow. So, in the last ten years, I've seen more than an inch of snow one time. lol crazy. Although, it DID snow in Baghdad in 2007. That's just crazy.  Christmas is only a few days away. I'm still waiting on  Jason to call Nadia so I know if I'm picking him up Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Until he talks to her, I know nothing. Her house... I'm just driving. lol 

TBI is still jackin me up full force. I forgot that one of my TEAM Leaders is a  published author. Then when I realized it, I knew he would be perfect to head of the book project. Besides, he IS my Project TEAM Leader. :) I am SO happy to have the people I have on my team. Had a few more on standby, but I need to get through the holidays. Can't make a lot of decisions right now.  The organization I found yesterday and am STOKED to be working with in the future, is called Real Combat Life. 

It is a site that allows veterans to submit stories to share their experience with others. This is HUGE for OBP, because this is half of what we'll need to complete this project. After the New Year, I will hash everything out for the book and possible documentary. I'm gonna start signing stuff BZB. lol Glad tho. That means it's all coming together. A portion of the proceeds will go to a project or idea that the Blue Phoenix TEAM chooses. We are all veterans, so no worries there's. haha Lots of stuff coming up...and fast. like I said. haha BzB

Just took a look at the clock. Its 0256. I never realize what time it is. Kinda explains the excessive pain in random parts of my body, but then again, it always feels like that. haha. Sleeping has been almost impossible. I don't.... until my body crashes. But that's not sleep. That's nothing, for all intense purposes, but passing out. I could get drunk and probably dot the same thing. I can sleep if I smoke A LOT of my medicine. But that shit is expensive!!! So, I try not to do that. Maybe if I was loaded like Snoop Dogg it wouldn't be an issue. 

I'm watching "Juno". I like this movie. She's so sarcastic. Just an all around good movie. There's nothing on. I mean, yea, its fuckin 3am. But that's not even the point, it's been like this all damn day. Nothin good on or we don't get that channel. The one channel I really wish we had? The MILITARY channel. Love it. Can't watch it.  

. Uh. Another thing. 

WTF is up with the Christmas movies? I've seen like 2 on and they all suck! No Rudolph?! No Frosty?! 

?!  I remember a time when could literally count down December by the Christmas movies. Funny how much TV has changed. We went from Dukes of Hazzard... to "The Hills". Blah. Shh. You're pretty we get it. Who cares. You're a conceited whore. Meeeehhhhh. lol

and finally, the legacy of ross mcGinnis.

 I was proud and sad the day I heard about him. Proud that he was from PA like me, at ease with his decision that day... knowingly giving his life to save the lives of his brothers... and sad that he didn't make it. I can't even imagine having to make a decision like that...or having to live with the survivors guilt. That's the thing with this type of bravery. The survivors will punish themselves forever. 

I'm not exactly running...

Today I woke up in a place I shouldn't have been. Not a bad place. Just not where I should be. I mean, why am I always waking up on furniture other than my own bed? Great question. Too lazy to get up I guess. I dunno.

I fear that I'm running out of space. Space for my shit, space for my thoughts. Space for everything really. Its time. Just where to go... where to go...  North or South? It's a hard decision actually.

Redding: Reminds me of PA because of all the trees. It's more back woodsy. I could easily get property there much cheaper than down south. Guns. I know 2 people there.

Long Beach---ish. (Location not chosen yet. General area tho. lol) :  Warmer.  Closer to my niece Hailey. I know 4 people there. Beach.

Pros and cons to both. So, I'm still in limbo. I'll make a final decision after I get back from So Cal mid January. I wanna plan this out so the past doesn't repeat itself. I wanna do WRIISC before I move tho. There's only 4 in the country. The closest one is actually not even 2 hours away. When I move it'll be at LEAST 6 hours. Better if I just do it before I go. Either way, it won't be for a few months.

I've been observing. People watching. The interactions of some actually make me ill. Others make me laugh in disbelief that they're doing it AGAIN. Random things. I didn't realize how many whores I knew; how many scandalous people I was in the company of. It's sad what you find when you really start looking deep into the character of person; and see nothing but ego and arrogance. I have seen the worse of people w/out them realizing their doing it. You can't help someone who refuses to get help. Period.

It's 5 days til Christmas and all I can think about is payday. I wish i could get access to all my damn money. I hate being broke. Christmas has always been an awkward holiday for me. Sure, it was cool getting 2 sets of presents ALMOST every year, but there was always this awkward feeling. One parent would get jealous of what the other parent got for us.  Broken families are dysfunctional like that tho. Which sometimes can be hilarious. Others, it's a nightmare. Being poor was just an added bonus. Might explain the high enlistment rate in PA.

I've been seeing a lot of fog lately. Reminds of of Iraq. Tho, of course, Iraq is all dust and blah. Here it's like precipitation and smog lol. I know it sounds weird, but as much as I hated my old unit, i'd rather be in Afghanistan with THEM right now. Doing my job.  I had one of the film crew tell me that I'm doing the same thing now as I did in Iraq... "Still trying to save people."

Oh yea. Here's something no one knows. haha I keep my old windshield wipers in my trunk to get the excess water off the back window easier. lol Ya know. Cuz I'm short. :)

Are you ready for some football? Cuz I am.

It's sunday. The Eagles are gettin stomped by the Giants. Good way to start off the day. But the Steelers game is on right after, so there's still hope for PA. 

I woke up at 5am confused. Seems to be a reoccurring thing. Then realized Adam was up too thanks to some firecrackers. There's never just one veteran wide awake at 3am. I ended up stayin up til almost 8am. Crashed til after 11. That's when I remembered there was a camera crew in the house. Awesome. That means I can't pee  until their done. lmao. That's all I could think about. But they were all pretty cool. I was telling them about a few of my ideas and apparently they're pretty good. lol

I stayed in my room til I seen the Eagles get the game tying touchdown. I was excited and walked into the kitchen. I didn't get to see the end of the game because I ended up talking the whole time. But we won! :) I'm watching the Steelers game right now. I hardly get to watch any of their games on TV because they never show them. So it's rare and I like it.

I haven't decided officially as of yet, but I'm looking into moving south, like Long Beach. The way it's looking, I'll be down there a lot anyways. So to save on the destruction traveling does on my body... why not just move there? Well, that's how I see it.  Only time will tell tho. And if I do, I'll get to see my niece in Hemet. Never seen her.

The holidays kinda got me depressed. I spend a lot of time by myself, so it feels like every other Christmas I've had in the last 10 years. Lonely and pointless. Might be the PTSD. Who knows. It sure would be nice to have someone to watch football with. I feel stupid yelling at the TV by myself. lol

Headaches are back. So, definitely glad I still have Excedrin Express Gels. The only thing that works on my headache that you don't need a prescription for. It's crazy.

Still waiting on the green light from Nadia. lol I have til the end of next month, I just want to know if I can get Bradley or not. It's driving me crazy not knowing.

Detox

 I jokingly claim that I'm day 2 into detox. The longer time goes on, the more I realize. And so far, it's kind of depressing.  I decided to keep writing, because Stanford is just too far away for me to keep driving there day after day. It's easier for me and at anytime, I can show it to my doc. So, really it works out for everyone. No one has to listen to me unless they get bored and feel like reading. No one is obligated to care, which is awesome, cuz I absolutely hate people who pretend to give a shit about someone. Either you do or you don't. 

This is the only way to get things off my chest. People will only listen for so long. But, I'm in such a state right now, that I'm actually worried how it will all turn out. I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas, so I just shut up. I just sit here and stare at the computer screen. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so miserable I can't function.

Holiday depression is the worst. You watch everyone happy on the TV, you watch everything come out ok on all the movies.... Real life isn't like that. People don't just hustle and bustle through the holidays with a smile. Not really. Society isn't REALLY like that. Christmas is chaos; a commercialized holiday where poor people give love and rich people give Bentley's. Christmas is dysfunctional and materialistic. Christmas is a joke now, thanks to all those who brought its commercial value into the main stream.  They have ruined it for everyone. You don't even have to believe in god to celebrate it now. You just have to think 'Santa' instead of 'Jesus'.

 

I just want Christmas to  be over with. I don't even want anything. I just want it to be over and for my dysfunctional and destructive mayhem, I call my life, to push forward. I know I wake up every day next to ghosts. My past continues to haunt me. I don't have anyone to help save me. To keep me straight. I sleep on a bed that isn't mine, which is bullshit, because I miss my memory foam mattress. I want it back. Why should I pay for something only to have someone else who doesn't deserve it use it. Funny how that works. Little me, getting fucked over? Not new. Apparently I'm easy to manipulate and treat like shit. And ppl wonder why I trust no one.

The metaphor "detox" was chosen because I have reached a point, an end, and must cleanse myself of this chaos. I am not a punching bag. I am not here to be yelled at. I am not here to do the work of others, but to HELP others when and where I can.

I have given up my previous quest. Did I fail? Yes. Because I don't know how to help everyone. Was it worth it? Right now, no. It was not worth it. In my eyes, right now, it was a mistake. I didn't  deserve to be treated like I did. And I put up with it for a lot longer than most women would.  So, good luck with a that.  Detox. Thats what my new year's resolution is. To get all of the BS out of my life. 

The loneliest time of the year...

I've never been a fan of Christmas. It's sucked every year since I was 17. I've either been alone or on the verge of divorce every year. It's a very lonely time of year for me. In fact, it is for many veterans; and Americans as well. 

Christmas just reminds me of how lonely I am. Most of my friends have kids that will tear open presents Christmas morning; beaming from ear to ear. Or have someone to spend Christmas with; like a boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, mistress or hooker. This year, for some reason I feel alone now more than ever. We're doing some sort of gift exchange this year at nadias, which is cool; but I have a heavy feeling that is just stuck in place. I can't get rid of it. I can't get myself in the spirit at all. And I've tried. Something is always there to break my effort. 

I kind of miss the snow. I miss watching it; not shoveling it, or falling in it, or freezing in it. It looks nice. But, I'm in Cali now. No snow. Instead we have freak weather and rain. This is not shaping up to be the freedom I was hoping for. It makes me sick how naive I am. You'd be surprised at how many chances I give people and I have yet to NOT to have it thrown back in my face. Guys love to throw shit at me. Maybe I just have one of those faces? Guys also like to think I owe them something. If you think that, you should quit what you're doing right now. 

I'll be doing this a lot during the holidays. Writing is all I have. If I'm lucky, I'll get a blue nose pitt puppy. At least I'll have a companion. Right now I have FB and I'm sure everyone would be happy if I shut up for 10 mins. lol :) 

Polytrauma Appt & W.R.I.I.S.C.

So, I had an appointment with the Polytrauma Team in Palo Alto. They are the shit. The secretary chic physically calls patients the day before their appointment. Never had that happen before. The doc I had, Dr Huang, listening very carefully to everything we said. This guy thanked me for my cooperation since its so hard us to do these appts. Never had that happen before either.

He asked when and what I remember, the length of my memory loss, asked me the 'remember 3 things' crap, which I failed.. over "green pen". Couldn't remember what day or day of the week it was, but got the month and year right.. Go me. haha He checked my balance with was BAD. All in all, great appointment. I got a an MRI scheduled but I need to reschedule it. I can't make another trip to Palo Alto this week. I'm not even goin to PTSD treatment tomorrow cuz of it. lol

Early next year I will also be going through the W.R.I.I.S.C. program. Trying to take care of my TBI stuff at the same time so I don't have to deal with it in a million visits. I got a feeling I'll be down there alone tho. Which sucks, but its whatever. I have a computer haha

Instead....

If left alone, PTSD and TBI can drastically and negatively affect your life in immense waves. Mine's being treated, but it's the holidays. That means a lot of depressed veterans and troops.  Including yours truly. 

My life is always changing. You'd think that would be  normal, but it's a level and speed of change that is just unreal. I can't even keep up with my own life, because I never know what's going on. I got a real good grip on it today and it occurred to me that I'm used to it. No one should get used to being miserable. Apparently over the years, I've given up hope. What's the point? The end is always the same.

It's easier for me to go through life pretty low key. I keep to myself a lot anyways now. Not even on purpose. I just have no one here to have a 'one-on-one' chit-chat with. Funny how isolated you can feel even when you're not actually alone.

I just wanted a normal life. The house, the husband, the kids, the pets.... ya know. Like basically everyone else I know. Instead I have a moon chair and a car that was nicknamed 'the great pumpkin'. Instead I can't even have kids, let alone maintain any kind of relationship. Instead, I sit here and wonder why I even bother. Instead, the only pet I own is an IPod touch. Instead, I have full storage and have nowhere to put anything I own. Instead, I never want to celebrate another holiday as long as I live.

Nothing is how it's supposed to be. Of course, we're pretty resilient. So, I just go with it a lot. Unfortunately, it's done nothing but lead me in circles. Its hard to give a shit when you know you're being used. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks.