We are all battling our own demons.

I've sat here and stared at a blank screen for 20 mins.  Not knowing where to start. Its amazing that in an emergency situation, my training kicks in and i'm golden.. but every day I still sit here trying organize the chaos in my head. I can practically hear the echo of my own voice. When I reach out, no one is there. But I guess that is the hand I was dealt. So, those are the cards I'll play for now. 

Every day is a struggle. I have to drag myself out of bed because I have no reason not to. Sometimes I think it'd be easier for everyone if I wasn't around. Ok. More than sometimes. I'm more forgettable then ppl think. I've been told enough times that I'm nothing but a burden. They're probably right.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is either lying to themselves or delusional. 

My biggest problem is I grew up convincing myself that things won't always be that bad. Dreamed up a fairy tale ending... and here I am at 28 still nursing the bruises of the last 28 years. Nothing has gotten better. I just keep lying to myself to get through each day. You can only block for so long before you just stop defending yourself. End result? You end up laying there bruised and bloody waiting for the pain to finally fade. 

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm in the way.  That ppl only invite me to do shit cuz they feel bad. It's the worst feeling. Even when I'm around ppl, I get the same feeling. I see the way ppl look at me. With pity and ignorance. I'm just another vet without a support system. I used to be able to read ppl, but now all I can read is the lack of respect in the eyes of Americans. I see how all they care about is their trip to the mall. They could care less about what happens to us, because their life still goes on. But let it directly effect them and see how that all changes. No wonder we carry resentment. It's business as usual. 

PTSD is a serious demon that is grossly underestimated. It can destroy you. It helps to have a solid support system you can fall back on. But that support system has to have meaning.  The only support system that will work is one that you trust not to throw you away with the trash. You have to be able to know for sure that when you're reaching up from the bottom, that someone will be there to pull you out. If that doesn't exist, you're chances of healing are not very good.Its good to have ANYONE, but the internet will not help. You need someone actually around.  I've been digging my way out for a long time. And every time someone grabs on, they just... let go. And back to bottom I go. 

Some days I just sit here in silence trying to find meaning again. The only meaning I have left is helping when and where I can. But it's so exhausting. Then I start sinking again. The way you spend the rest of your life is always up to you. You can spend the rest of your life treading water, or you can get to shore and start over. I'm somewhere in the middle. Still trying to figure out if the effort is worth it. 


(No. I am not suicidal.)

You know I aint did shit today haha

I had a grip of stuff to do today. Did I? Hell no. Sadly my body mimics the weather. Hella bummed tho. Had a baseball game to go to tomorrow and its supposed to rain til Sunday. Not MLB. hahaha I hate major league baseball. Little League. Kid ain't bad.

Thats it. i got nothing else.

Empty is Empty.. no matter how you look at it...

The 'me' that some ppl see, is most def not the person I am inside. I am def not confident. I am def not sure about anything. Inside, I am still hollow. I am still broken. I try not to show it because I've been told that I'm the strong one. That basically means I'm supposed to be the one that never breaks. I did tho. 


Kinda sad actually. I tried so hard to be that 'right hook' 24/7. It wears on you tho. It's so exhausting. And when I broke.. it killed me that I had to wait for someone to call me back. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.. and my 'problems' are inconvenient for everyone. I just wish ppl would be straight with me and just be like, "Look. I'm sorry, but I don't have time in my life for you." Then there are those friends who seem to call because they feel guilty for not giving a shit before. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Its even worse that my own family doesn't even call to see how I am. It's straight up disappointing. I seriously feel abandoned. I've been 'adopted' in a few families. But it will never be the same. I always feel like the third wheel. Like someone else felt compelled to do it because of how I feel. It's hard to explain.

Might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a family. I have no idea whats its like, and I don't pretend to. Most ppl my age at least have a kid. Some of my friends have 3. As a chic, not having anything makes me feel like a failure. I honestly think I would of made a pretty good mom. But throughout the years, I've heard the same story. "I can't see you ever having kids." etc etc. Not even close. Oddly enough I had 2 goals in my life. 1. Being a Soldier. 2. Having a family. Took care of one... still an epic fail at #2. It's gotta be me. Seriously. 


It feels like I've spent my entire life having my heart ripped to shreds. I wouldn't even call it depression. I call it  Chronic Disappointment. I finally just gave up. I'm either in the 'friend zone' or would NEVER date the ppl interested in me LMFAO. For real. Can't win. So I figure, fuck it. If  I'm that big of a deal to someone, they know where I am. 


I don't want sympathy. I don't want ppl to feel bad. All I am lookin for are people who really know me, not on the internet, who genuinely give a shit about me. And I can't even tell you how hard that is to find. It's one thing to say you do, and it's another to really mean it. I have trust issues as it is. So, having my trust in someone proved to be fruitless...it crushes me more and more each time. Each time, I'm dragged under a little further. 


Just like I've told several people. I'm the poster child for Murphy's Law. If it CAN go wrong, oh it does. Without fail. Life is really just a game of chance. You win some. You lose some. But when you're losses outweigh your wins, it makes you wonder. Why the FUCK am I still doing this!? Why? Because like it or not, we are all holding the death card. It's just a matter of time before it cashes itself in. And I am not ready to go yet. I still have a chance. So many do and don't even realize it. Just because you think its pointless, doesn't mean it is. Just because you think your life no longer has a meaning, doesn't mean it does. Especially as a veteran...You came home. Honor those we lost by living. I live everyday hoping the next will get better. Does it? No. lol.But hey, we can't all be rockstars. I lose hope almost daily.. but I pick myself back up and soldier on. One way or another. 


So in closing, let me say this.


Empty is empty. There's no other way to explain it. The fact that we are still here gives people hope. Trust me. Our determination, selflessness and brute soul-taking strength empowers those around us. Whether we notice or not, people are actually paying attention and are envious of it. We are a different breed. NEVER forget that. 

Still Broken

I stopped doing this. Because really... who was listening.. The most response I got when ppl thought i was gonna kill myself.. But I guess if i'm not gonna off myself, ppl think i don't need help. Wrong.

I was so happy to get Bradley, as much of a pain in the ass as it was to train him, because then I wasn't completely alone. Then I had to hand him off because I wasn't allowed to have him. Now i'm completely isolated and spend 98% of my time on facebook. Why? WTF else am I gonna do? I hate not having the energy or strength to do much. I hate being sick. But theres only so much I can do. Cleaning my apt is a whole day affair because I have to take breaks so often. I used to be able to clean a 2 bedroom apt in no more than an hour. Do the math.

I hate calling people because I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Just because I don't have a family doesn't mean I have to right to intrude in it. Let  them be happy. No one has to be miserable like me. Its not their weight to carry. Its mine. I, just like all vets, just want what we earned. Its not another vets fault that I feel like i'm sinking. I just gotta suck it up like always. Its hard to do that all the time.. And I'm not one to call ppl about it. I like one on one time with someone who gets it.. but at the same time I trust no one. CLASSIC PTSD.

I wanna work, but know I'll never be able to hold a job. I'm too sick. Heart rate is crazy. Pain is rediculous. I still have no self esteem. Apparently I hide it all very well. Cuz the ppl who I thought got it, mostly because I've said it a million times, still say they had no clue. So either they didn't care enough to listen... or I am really that good at hiding it. Either is disturbing.

Nonetheless, No one will read this.

Bradley

I got to Redding 12 hours ago. Bradley walked right up to me. We bonded pretty quick.

 He's 7 wks old, still a young buck, and it shows. He's adorable. Def worth the 10 hour drive. Earlierl he was laying down with me, looked up, snuggled and put his mini paw in my eye. lol Too cute. The dad, Gage, has the biggest head I've ever seen. lol He has a habit of trying to flip the puppies. And because he so big, his paws get int he way and he tends to step on the puppies. Not intentionallly.. There's 2 puppies left. Both males. Gage likes to be up in my face all the time. lol Big boy loves attention. lol Sean has some good dogs tho. Gage cracks me up. Him and his big head. haha I call him "big head' instead of gage tho. haha

GAGE

This is the first time I've been on a computer since I left LB for the drive up. I can't wrap my head around the emails right now. Lack of sleep I'm guessing. But Tomorrow I'll see what I can do. Saturday is a good day to do it too. My chill day in Tracy with the pup before heading south. I'm tryin to get him used to wearing a colllar. Sean gave me a spiked on for him. Too big for now tho. It can be his pimp collar lol

Bradley's pretty smart, but I've watched him get bullied by the other 2 pups. (Reminds me of me at one point. haha) After a little paw to paw conversation, he's starting to nip back like his mama. haha Took him for a ride today. He's not a fan of the car just yet lol, but in his defense he had no idea what was going on hahaha He'll get used to it. Still a little confused about the 'outside'. I watched him tackle a leaf earlier. He likes those.

I've been super busy. Thats what happens when you show you're reliable. lol Got a few what i'll dub 'taskers' to look into.

Gonna try to get some more sleep, if those other 2 pups ever stop acting a fool haha  I know this blogs a little scattered. Think I'm gonna pass out. That drive was exhausting. If only I could find room on the couch amongst these dogs. lol

No one wants to admit they're broken...

Today I fell asleep in my car. Just straight kicked the seat back and passed out. Best sleep I've had in days. Go figure. It's probably a good thing that I was by myself most of the day. My PTSD was not cooperating. I can't wait to get Bradley. I need a comfort zone.

It's 11pm and I'm back to sitting in the car thinking. This trip was a great idea because it's given me an opportunity to see clearly again. Doesn't look All that great, but I'll be ok. I didn't realize I was surviving on hope. Which is stupid. Because it clearly isn't working. Tried going with the flow. You see where that got me. I'm done caring. My focus will stay where it belongs. On veterans. I just need to be able to get from day to day.  Aside from that, I'm used to being by myself. I think as long as I have someone to hang out with every now and then, it'll do.

As soon as figure it all out, I'll be straight. Just lots of randoms going on. I set up a surprise for a badass 11yr old. I have an event in studio city on the 15th. I'm moving, getting Bradley next month... There's a lot lol. Oh. A veteran called the Warrior Distress Line and it did exactly what it was meant to do.  Allowed the veteran to talk to another veteran. And he said he will be spreading the word. :)) so we're gonna need more volunteers. Glad it helped him.

It occurred to me today that as long as I had a place to shower, I could easily live in my car. I really don't think it would bother me. I got my cell...with Internet. Maybe I'm just getting used to being in my car. Meh.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Maybe it's because of my mid day nap. Maybe not. All I know is that although I'm in limbo at the moment, I feel more at home here. I'm not sure why. Sure, the streets are fuckin confusing. But I'll get used to it. I wish I wasn't physically broke. I'd start skating again. lol

Don't ask me why, but I'm watching Oprah. lol The dude from Dirty Jobs is on there. Talkin about Deadliest Catch and how it shows how real it is. Yet, they canceled "Over There" (which I own)after only one season, because the public couldn't handle it. THAT is a truth they need to get. Combat is the only dangerous thing, that the public can't handle. Yet we entertain their ignorance. Sad.

It used to be appalling, the way this country has come to think. Now? I'm not even surprised that veterans get shafted in any way they can sneak it in. Always trying to take away rights WE fought for. Not the idiots protesting abortion. US. You'd think out of respect to our sacrifices, they'd AT LEAST do as they promised. Guess we're not that important. Just wait. When everything goes to hell. Those same people talking shit, will be looking at us to protect them...again. What are they gonna do if we can't because of those broken promises? I'm just sayin. We don't owe anyone shit. As far as I'm concerned, this country owes US. So, get on it. 

Turns out I'm not gonna be a loser for New Years :))

Been really looking for Rent to Own places in LB. I found 5 I'm gonna call about. Then if there's anything I actually wanna 'pursue', I'll check 'em out when I get down that way in Jan. I'm so fuckin excited. Seriously. Like, you don't even know. haha

Honestly, I space a lot. All I can think about is just moving. Getting it over with and not have some crazy shit happen. If the Army would give me my $ this would be even easier. haha! I'm waitin on all kinds of shit. lol

Ok. So this is new. Really. I still don't know how to respond to this kind of stuff lol. People seem to think that I'm a piece of meat apparently. Guys are coming out of the woodwork with some CRAZY ass shit. I mean really. Chill out. I had a few tell me they wanted to move here cuz of me. Dude. OMG. lmfao No. I'm good thanks. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have sometimes lol Definite confidence booster tho!!

I have absolutely no plans for New Years. I'm guessing I'll be right here. Fuck I hope not. I can't just keep sitting here. Nowhere to go really. I mean I could go to LB... if I had money. lmfao or Redding, but that ALSO requires money. So I'll just sit here and put "The Santa Clause" on repeat. JK :) I'll probably snipe my way through the New Year and not even realize it lmao.

Ok. I could of just rewrote the above paragraph, but yea. As long as its moderately close of course lol, I'm going to N.Y.E. on New Years with Jeff (AKA SoldierHard). Should be, well, awesome. I haven't done anything fun in a long time. Shits about to do a 180, so might as well start the year of a little crazy huh? lol

Its 0238. I'm still awake. Never fails. I just wanna be able to sleep. Not sure what it is. I feel safe here, so that's not it. I just feel uneasy I think. And that could be caused by a lot of things. I got a lot of traveling ahead of me. My body is already protesting lol.

Think I'm gonna go lay down with my extra pillow and a heating pad. I gotta have some decent movies in this room somewhere.