Loud noises don't bug me like they did when I got back, but I still jump every time I hear a loud noise. I still get super angry really easy. More so than i did before I left. I get anxiety attacks still. I freak even more around male doctors because of what happened before. Basically I'm to the point where I'm officially a patient at Psychotherapy at Madigan. Awesome. So cleary, there's more issues than I thought existed. No surprise really.
Head doc tells me that considering everything I've been through since childhood, that i've done considerable well. But everyone breaks. I guess I just never know who i can talk to because I dont want to annoy anyone. So, i just snap when it builds up. Obviously not the best decision I ever made.
And this MEB stuff. In the last 4 years, I've have more medical problems than I've had my entire life. I've been in the ER 3 times for the same reason. And now that its official that I have Fibromyalgia, (a chronic pain disorder which has absolutely no cure for those who didn't know.) things have gotten considerably worse. The pain makes my anger increase because I'm so tired of hurting. They wont give me anything that works because its chronic so i'm just supposed to deal with it. So, I spent every day in agony. And despite the fact that I still force myself to get up and do stuff, i'm still extremely limited. PT is a bitch. Fatigue is a huge effect so i'm ALWAYS tired. Thus, why i'm on 8 hour duty days. Yet my unit puts me on FOD (Field officer of the day) which is a 24 hr duty. So I've decided that since all my MEB appointments are done and i'm just waiting for the summary, that i'm going to start logging everything. Past and present. Since I got threatened with an Art 15 for going to the ER for something that I the clinic can't handle.
I'm thinking about photocopying that counseling actually. Because it is THAT ridiculous. Ok so a LITTLE background. Had 2 ectopics before I deployed. So, i obviously know what the pain is, at least the general area. So, i get the pain. Freak because the 1st one required emergency surgery. I got to the ER because not only is it not a sick call issue... it was almost 10am. So i tell someone from my unit BEFORE I go. I get back from the ER after I found out it was something else medical wrong with me. Go to my unit to drop off my quarters slip that last only the remainder of the day. What does my unit do? Yell at me for like an hour because i didn't go to sick call and try to get a same day appt. Then I got a counseling statement for it. Technically as long as someone knows, then it dont matter. Because c'mon. So yea. I get accused of malingering because of that. WTF!!!! Yea. So no wonder i'm so stressed out lmao.
Anyways. Tomorrow is new years. I don't know if I'll be able to go out with Nate, his dad, his sister and her boyfriend. It all depends. If i'm in a lot of pain, I wont be able to be out for long. So, instead of ruining everyones time on new years, I'll stay home with the dog and do my midterm essay. I'd rather one of us has a shitty new years than everyone. How thoughtful right?
