Over the last few years, a lot of shit has happened. Very few have been good. Most.. have been bad. Iraq has changed me for the worse and I don't know how to fix it. Anger has increased dramatically. Panic attacks at random and the trigger is unknown. Anxiety attacks... same thing. Although anything that sounds like a firefight, an explosion or loud noises can throw me into attacks, sometimes they don't. Sleeping is interesting. And then theres my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Which leaves me in pain 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. Everyday for the rest of my life I will be in pain. All medication makes me gain weight that I can't seem to lose. Two rapes in Japan where the military did nothing and they lost at least one of my rape kits. No arrests. No nothing. My counselor told me it was my fault, but everyone knows thats bullshit. 1 divorce from an abusive husband where I lost pretty much everything except my computer and my Ipod. Several losses of friends lives to which most I still haven't excepted. A douchbag ex that stole thousands of dollars from me, furniture and even tried to take my car. Frequent bouts of depression. An incident I won't give details for that show just how fragile war vets are and how little anyone seems to care. The chances of me being able to be a mother are so small that its virtually non-existent. And now this new pending last minute divorce thrown at me only weeks from my ets date. Leaving me to find out what I'm supposed to. So many bad things. And I didn't even get into how fucked my unit is and how much they tried to screw me.
Good things? I got 20% disability for my Fibromyalgia that will give me at least $34,000 tax free severance pay. So, my bills will be paid. And for some reason, I'm still alive.
But I have no family. No animals left. I have furniture that has to sit in storage. And a life that officially has no meaning or purpose. The only thing I can think of is helping Nick the best I can. Helping others with PTSD if possible. But aside from that, I am alone. Left to struggle and fight a losing war with the system. Left to wonder what it is that makes me so susceptible to negativity. Helping others is a nice thought, but how can I do that if I can't help myself?
I've had like 2 panic attacks in the last week. And I have no one to turn to here. Everyone is either on the internet or somewhere else. I wish I knew how to stop them, but I don't. I'm consistently hyper-vigilant. But that's a war thing, and is extremely hard to turn off. I'm not even sure if I can. I don't feel safe without a weapon. I'm just so messed up and have no hope of being anything like who I was. So what do I do? Right now, all I can do is try to pull it all together until at least the moving part is over. After that, I can't promise anything. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I need to keep myself together at least for a little while longer.
Ironically, if I'm working on something for Nick, I seem to be able to pull it off. But when that all stops, or I stop thinking about that, I forget what to do. I wish I knew what the trigger is so I can avoid it. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.
