Detox

 I jokingly claim that I'm day 2 into detox. The longer time goes on, the more I realize. And so far, it's kind of depressing.  I decided to keep writing, because Stanford is just too far away for me to keep driving there day after day. It's easier for me and at anytime, I can show it to my doc. So, really it works out for everyone. No one has to listen to me unless they get bored and feel like reading. No one is obligated to care, which is awesome, cuz I absolutely hate people who pretend to give a shit about someone. Either you do or you don't. 

This is the only way to get things off my chest. People will only listen for so long. But, I'm in such a state right now, that I'm actually worried how it will all turn out. I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas, so I just shut up. I just sit here and stare at the computer screen. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so miserable I can't function.

Holiday depression is the worst. You watch everyone happy on the TV, you watch everything come out ok on all the movies.... Real life isn't like that. People don't just hustle and bustle through the holidays with a smile. Not really. Society isn't REALLY like that. Christmas is chaos; a commercialized holiday where poor people give love and rich people give Bentley's. Christmas is dysfunctional and materialistic. Christmas is a joke now, thanks to all those who brought its commercial value into the main stream.  They have ruined it for everyone. You don't even have to believe in god to celebrate it now. You just have to think 'Santa' instead of 'Jesus'.

 

I just want Christmas to  be over with. I don't even want anything. I just want it to be over and for my dysfunctional and destructive mayhem, I call my life, to push forward. I know I wake up every day next to ghosts. My past continues to haunt me. I don't have anyone to help save me. To keep me straight. I sleep on a bed that isn't mine, which is bullshit, because I miss my memory foam mattress. I want it back. Why should I pay for something only to have someone else who doesn't deserve it use it. Funny how that works. Little me, getting fucked over? Not new. Apparently I'm easy to manipulate and treat like shit. And ppl wonder why I trust no one.

The metaphor "detox" was chosen because I have reached a point, an end, and must cleanse myself of this chaos. I am not a punching bag. I am not here to be yelled at. I am not here to do the work of others, but to HELP others when and where I can.

I have given up my previous quest. Did I fail? Yes. Because I don't know how to help everyone. Was it worth it? Right now, no. It was not worth it. In my eyes, right now, it was a mistake. I didn't  deserve to be treated like I did. And I put up with it for a lot longer than most women would.  So, good luck with a that.  Detox. Thats what my new year's resolution is. To get all of the BS out of my life.