Sometimes the North Star just leads you in circles.

It is unclear at this point where my life is going. (But I assume it's like that for many people.) Going to school seems to be pretty far-fetched at this point. My concentration is way off and I just don't have the willpower to learn right now. I'd rather not go to school then to fail and have to pay it back. 


It's been really cold in Cali. Kind of depressing actually, but what can you do. I just bundle up as much as I can, (which usually includes at least 2 hoodies and a coat) and i'm still cold. This freak cold weather probably followed me here to just like it did Iraq. I'm sure my army buddies will get that one. 


The combination of my TBI and PTSD this week are disturbing. There is a small possibility that I wouldn't be able to tear my way out of a wet paper bag. The highlight was the stuffing issue, which I posted about a few days ago. I've had a lot of episodes where I'd go to do something, and 2 steps into my mission :: BAM:: its gone. Same thing with conversations. I loose track of what i'm talking about and forget altogether. 


Fact is, my heart hurts. Its heavy and its history has been weighing on me for some time now. Recently, my head and my heart have gone head to head in a fight to see which one can cause me more agony. Its hard to decipher between the two when you're already overwhelmed. Most days I feel like I'm being double teamed by karma for something I apparently don't remember doing. It's always something. Or absolutely nothing. 

Its dark in here...

This will be fairly short.

I've felt empty before, but this is a whole new level.  I just feel hollow.  Its getting harder everyday.  The pain has increased all over, I can't breathe for shit, I have cysts that magnify the pain by at least 30%...probably more, and thats not even half of it.  I can't keep track of all my ailments.

Like a lot of people with PTSD, I struggle with my self esteem. I think I'm just an average chic with a WHOLE lot of baggage. If you see me differently, than thats all you. I'll probably never share that sentiment. I feel like the 3rd wheel a lot. So, I'm always trying to figure out how I fit in,  if I should even say anything, if I should say something stupid, etc etc. Maybe I'm just used to being forgotten, avoided, fucked over and used. Thats all part of the excess trash I need to dismember and destroy. (Working on it.)

I spent most of my time either helping veterans or figuring out ways to help them. It's all I know. Its all I really know how to do anymore. And whatever I don't know, I know lots of other people to figure it out. Thats the beauty of it. Everyone wins. Well, except my bank account. Cuz I've poured pretty much all I got into it.

I have so much to do, that going to school is no longer an option right now. I can' barely do what I need to do as it is. Its crazy. I can't work, so I don't have a job. How can I be this busy?

Thanksgiving, stuffing and a fallen soldier

I woke fairly early today. I'm not sure why, but at the time I know I was the only one awake. I ended up falling back asleep. which I vote was a good choice. By the time I finally rolled out of bed, the turkey was already in the oven. The admiral was doing all the cooking I guess, except for the stuffing, so I was only in the kitchen to help when needed. The rest of the time I was just talking, reading and checking my Facebook by the fireplace. Made me really want to watch some Christmas movies. The Santa Clause is my favorite series of movies. I absolutely love them and could watch then over and over again. Its just one of those movies I guess. (I'm the same way with Twister.) Whoever the dude is that plays the big elf is a good actor tho. I like him on Numbers... er whatever. I'm getting a little sidetracked, sorry. So, it was pretty good. Very relaxing. Not a big fan of big orchestras, but who am I to judge. haha.

The time came when I was supposed to make the cranberry stuffing. (*Let me just say that I don't like anything with cranberry. So, I never ended up eating the only dish I made. haha*) So, I'm having a hell of a time coming to terms with the directions. I was confused beyond belief over a stuffing recipe. I looked at the ingredients, all 8 of them, and could only think "Why the hell didn't the admiral get Stovetop?!!" I finally get a grib after enough 'hardy har har' comments from the admiral. Tho he did acknowledge my TBI. The last few weeks have been the worst. I can't remember much, I get confused really easily, and Its so hard to even follow directions. I was having a pretty rough time. I have an appointment at the Palo Alto VA on the 9th for Poly-trauma. Hopefully they can figure out whats going on. My health has decreased since I got out in April. Thank god I'm already 100% right now, because I'd never be able to find an employer who understands my condition. Back to my original point and moral of this story. :: "Don't panic. It's only stuffing."

At some point while I was sitting by the fire, I thought of Duncan. And I got this hollow feeling that, even now at 0131, is still there. Its a void in your universe that can't be filled, fixed or forgotten. It is a permanent dent in your psyche that you will struggle with forever. At least we have come to terms with it. Like it or not, some day you'll look back at this and know I was right all along. Most of us already get it. Having someone ripped from your universe is something that can't be healed. Like Vietnam, our war is a different kind of war.

I remember very clearly the day of the incident in Sept 2007. I remember checking his

progress a few times a week. I also remember the day I found out he died. I was crushed. He fought so hard with the injuries this poor soldier had. He was a fighter. I got a bracelet with his name on it & used to wear it all the time. But, it brings back all that *pain/memories too much sometimes. So, It's in a box somewhere. I've been thinking about him a lot. 





PFC Duncan Crookston was killed months after his injury from an IED blast sent him in critical condition. He lost both of his legs, his right arm and left hand and was burned on 50% of his body. It was a miracle he survived at all. That fact alone shows how much of a fighter he was. WHile we never crossed hairs personally, I took our mission in Iraq extremely seriously. And I cared about every soldier we moved, every name that came across my desk... I wanted the chaos to stop so didn't have to see KIA on a any more lists.

Today I found out that Crookston's story is the a book called 'The Good Soldiers'. I WILL be buying an actual copy of this book on payday. I feel for his family, his wife; I wish there was something you could do or say that could even the playing field. There just isn't. The death of one will be interpreted to many others, of who many will have no military experience or kinship, in many different ways. Every one of those ways will have its leaders, followers and bullshitters who use our names in whatever campaign their profiting from. "No blood for Oil." as his investment of millions drops into his bank account. You know the type.

Anyways, I was just thinking about a lot of that kinda of stuff today. I never said a word tho. Who wants to be responsible for ruining Thanksgiving because I want to get it off my chest. I'd rather say less, look cute and dig in to the turkey on my plate. So here's my Turkey day confessions. I'm sure I'm missing something. ... Oh well. Hope everyones Thanksgiving was awesome. 

stupid ptsd

So over the last month or so I've noticed a bit of a change in my PTSD. I'm EXTREMELY easily annoyed. By the most trivial things. But I have a sense about me. I know when something is off, if someones lying, if something bad is gonna happen and someone is hiding something. I'm awesome at it actually. I have never been wrong.

Heres a little list of what irritates me the most in the last few months.

* kissing noises from other people

-i'm not sure why this irritates me so much, but it does.

* turn signals

-its one of those 'come with the car' things. seriously. use them.

* demeanor

-some people tend to talk down to me for some reason. I don't even think they realize they're doing it. But its really annoying, hurtful (yes, i just said that) and demeaning. So, watch how you talk to people.

* laziness

-some things are just too simple to not do right. Stop being lazy and just do it. For real.

* Ego

- Dear god, do I hate egos. If you need other people stroke your ego to be happy? Then you are pathetic. Just be happy with what you got and stop acting like a moron.

War Goggles - Making America Remember

The fallout from your past could be metaphorically compared to toxins. The effects can last for years. The willingness to drop all trust, for everyone, is so easily made. The willingness to seclude into the confines of their only possessions...and disappear, is an almost daily outcome. This is a part of society that you either know about, hear about, or deny deny deny. But no one talks about it. Its been in the news, but you rarely see the public talk about it. They're still in denial and that is one fact that could turn the outcome for todays combat veterans. Denial means no support. No support means more combat veterans homeless, incarcerated, poor or ... dead.

America needs to take off their government issue war goggles and come back to our side. A nation fighting for those that took that hit in the nuts for them. The brave volunteers that stepped up so no one got drafted. After all this time, the support is still lacking. Those with money could donate, but don't, because that would mean they'd have to spend money on someone other than themselves. Some talk about how they support the troops, yet don't do shit to help us or speak up for us. I see it this way. You either support us or you don't. Don't talk about how much you support the troops, prove it. Send a care package. Write a letter. Donate. Do something. Veterans are struggling so much now more than ever, and all the public does is say, "Oh. That sucks."

I believe supporting veterans is a moral american obligation. It's the least that can be done. But, there are some that believe otherwise. And should be slapped... repeatedly. Americans have stolen flags from veterans homes, defaced memorials placed in honor of their sacrifice, stolen crosses marking the greatest sacrifice paid for their right to be assholes, etc etc etc. And I need not mention calling us 'baby killers'. Yea thats it. I joined the army to shake babies. People need to seriously check into reality rehab, get their shit together, and remember why their lives aren't like those of Haiti.

The VA is another huge issue. These poor citizens are being led to bekive that we get 'top-notch' care. Really? Is that why veterans have been turned away from the VA literally holding a razor to their wrist? Or veterans being put on a PTSD waiting list and 4 years later, their still on it without treatment? Or that a veteran missing a leg and some change is denied for adjustments due to this disability? Wake up America. This is not how it should be. Veterans going into flashbacks and killing people who just happen to be there; its an epidemic is what it is. We get shitty care at the VA. Some luck out. Most of us are left dangling in the wing. America, this is what government run health care is like. Enjoy.

Becoming the Ghost Vol 2

I've had days where there's so much running through my head I can't concentrate. Then theres the days when I know something is off and i'm lied to. Not to mention the fact that I know when something bads gonna happen before it actually does.

When I decided to write Becoming A Ghost, the only thing that occurred to me was the ability to vent. In whatever way chosen, it has served its purpose. It DOES allow me to vent. However, everything is still the same. Still as broken, confusing and overwhelming as before. Alone.

I spend each day wondering aimlessly trying to find my place in this society. I am just another broken piece 0f government property, proud of their service, yet fading to black. Very few things keep me happy. And their all pretty basic. Don't lie to me. I'll know before you even do. When you think you got away with it, its only because for some reason I let it slide. Don't tell me you love me if you don't. Don't mess with my head, to help you clear yours, knowing full well you'd drop me like a bad habit. And don't treat me like shit. Actually pretty simple. If you fuck that up, you're a moron. Unfortunately, I know more than my fair share of those.

The last time I checked, i'm alone on this road to redemption. I never, not for a minute, ever expected anything less. It's the path my life has led me since day one. Always rely solely on yourself. People are mean and hateful by nature. Very few people are sincere. Most, are only out for themselves and very rarely think otherwise. I've seen firsthand that the infidelities of others can destroy you from the inside out. It can tear your soul to pieces and by the time you know, the damage is already done.

I've spent the majority of my life trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. Where did this chaotic path begin? Was there a way to stop the consequences that followed? One can never know, because the past is the past for a reason. You're supposed to buck up and move forward. But what if you can't? What if you literally don't know how? That is where I am. Stuck in limbo. The purgatory life of a veteran. Where you don't move around too much, because you know it will not make a difference. When you're soul pulls away from itself, detaches and just hangs out til given the word.

I'm not 100% sure what to do with my life. Do I run? Or do I hang back and see how it all turns out? Hopefully soon that final decision will of been made. Until then, I will sit here and stare at the profounding emptiness that looms.