I stopped doing this. Because really... who was listening.. The most response I got when ppl thought i was gonna kill myself.. But I guess if i'm not gonna off myself, ppl think i don't need help. Wrong.
I was so happy to get Bradley, as much of a pain in the ass as it was to train him, because then I wasn't completely alone. Then I had to hand him off because I wasn't allowed to have him. Now i'm completely isolated and spend 98% of my time on facebook. Why? WTF else am I gonna do? I hate not having the energy or strength to do much. I hate being sick. But theres only so much I can do. Cleaning my apt is a whole day affair because I have to take breaks so often. I used to be able to clean a 2 bedroom apt in no more than an hour. Do the math.
I hate calling people because I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Just because I don't have a family doesn't mean I have to right to intrude in it. Let them be happy. No one has to be miserable like me. Its not their weight to carry. Its mine. I, just like all vets, just want what we earned. Its not another vets fault that I feel like i'm sinking. I just gotta suck it up like always. Its hard to do that all the time.. And I'm not one to call ppl about it. I like one on one time with someone who gets it.. but at the same time I trust no one. CLASSIC PTSD.
I wanna work, but know I'll never be able to hold a job. I'm too sick. Heart rate is crazy. Pain is rediculous. I still have no self esteem. Apparently I hide it all very well. Cuz the ppl who I thought got it, mostly because I've said it a million times, still say they had no clue. So either they didn't care enough to listen... or I am really that good at hiding it. Either is disturbing.
Nonetheless, No one will read this.
