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I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I'm nothing. I'm just another lost cause with a dirty mouth. I can go to war, but I can't swear. I can't do anything without being judged. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of everything. I'm supposed to censor myself. Why? Why did i fight for a country that just wants to silence me? Why must I always conform to what others want? Why do I have to live this life? No answers. Just questions. Just disappointment. Just hatred and sadness. But yet, I can't swear. Cuz thats bad. Cuz people will think less of me. Too fucking bad. I swear. I bitch. I complain. I cry. I get tunnel-vision. I have PTSD. I hate myself. I just want it all to fuckin end. That sadness, the crying, the fear... everything. I'm tired of jumping everytime I hear a boom, or a whistle. I'm tired of looking around like everyone is out to get me. I'm tired of it all. And I'm tired of fighting. What have i gained? Who can really help me?

I can't keep doing this. I know I need help. But that help won't stop the swearing. I'm allowed to have feelings. I'm allowed to be human. Or am I? Maybe I'm supposed to bottle it up and pretend I'm just a happy little person with dreams. Really? I'm better off dead. So no one can judge me anymore. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of it all. And i can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of hiding. I sick of pretending i'm just that funny chic with jokes and links. When are ppl gonna realize, that isn't me? Thats one small part. Thats not me. I'm so broken. So lost. So soul-less. So gone. And either no one knows what to say, or they don't care. How can you be more worried that i swear when i'm on the brink of death? WTF!

I'm trying to keep myself together. I've done pretty good i think. Pretend to be happy, when i'm miserable and sinking. Have hope for a future for about 5 minutes and then its gone. I'm so fucked up. I'm tired of crying. I just wanna be me again. The person i was. But that person is gone now. All i have is what Iraq and the Army left me. And its not much. Just the hope to help someone else. And I can't do that if I swear? Or am in a shitty mood?! I can't always be positive... there is NO god in my life. I dont give two shits what it thinks. Its not like 'it' was helpful before. "Does your god know my god? This is how the world will end." Perfect explanation by Atreyu. Look around. Its true. No one has managed to KILL more ppl than religion.