My life is so confusing. I think, maybe if I'm gone, everything will be right again. Then I see my tat...with the tag... and remember why I'm doing all this. Its about what we earned and aren't getting. Its about what we all lost and will never get back. Its about what we all want... forgiveness, respect and compassion. We just want people to understand. We're not the same. We'll NEVER be the same. We become angry, short-tempered, confused, depressed, lost, broken... just gone. We need patience and understanding. We need love from those that care. We want everyone to know we're sorry. That we're forgetful and need to be reminded a lot. That we have SO much on our mind and don't mean to be careless. That we don't mean any harm...that we really can't help it. We want forgiveness for not coming back the same. We just want to be loved again.
There are days when I just wish I died in Iraq. That I just never came home. But we all feel that way at some point. I just wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I knew how to fix myself. But I don't. I need Valley Forge to open soon. I need to get away and help myself. We all need to get away. But I just hope that people don't expect too much of me. I hope people understand, that I'm only trying to help. And that I don't mean to make anyone mad. I just really wanna fix what the Army and VA failed to do. There's so many of us fighting. So many of us that are tired of veterans being shit on and tossed aside like we're nothing. We DO matter. And we will do everything we can to stop this chaos. We WILL fight until we can no longer fight. It's in our nature. Its who we are. But just because we are fighters, doesn't mean we don't break. Because as you have all seen, we do. And when we do, it is BAD. We don't just break a little. We break completely. We try to keep it together. Because we have to. Because in battle, if we break, someone can die. And we can't afford to be the reason for another's death. So we keep fighting. And we keeping holding it in. Then one day, we snap. Because we can't do it anymore. All the training comes back. All the memories return. The nightmares become worse. And we can't remember anything. It doesn't become that extreme for everyone. But to those that endure such a tragic break, we are tossed aside. Like WE are to blame. Like we MEANT for it to happen. Like we planned it all along.
It's sad. To see that so many pretend to understand. That will turn their back on us when we need it the most. And thats when the rest of us step in. To counter that weight. To show each other that we understand and that war does incredible things to the mind. And to show those that have never been to war...that are quick to blame a combat veteran... that we are not the same. That war HAS changed us. And we will keep doing so until some politician steps in and helps us win this fight against the system. Of all people, combat veterans deserve a second chance. We deserve treatment. We deserve so much that we're not getting.
Every veteran is like family. Because we all endured war. We all understand what it can do. And since I'm involved in 2 different organizations; my own (Nick Horner Foundation) and an advisor for OIF Veteran Community; I must carry on. I HAVE to. No matter how low and destructive I feel, I have to go on. I have to keep fighting. Because we deserve to be respected and cared for.
But at the same time, I need to be able to heal and express myself. I need to be able to vent. I need to allow my self to be loved again by someone who deserves my love in return, and understands my torment. I have to give it a chance. I have to wait until it shows up at my door.
I am surely broken. But I must heal. Someday I will be ok. Someday. But for now, the fight continues. The fight for myself, my brothers and sisters... for our dignity and pride..
Trust is earned. And as I look at all of Nicks letters, I think... maybe for once in my life I'm doing something right. I'm helping others. And thats what this is all about. Helping those ignored by the same ppl that send them to war. We will never forget, because we've been there... or we've watched you go and come back SO much different.
Just know that while we are trying so hard to get help despite all the walls we keep facing, we love you. We really are trying. We want to be us again, as much as you do. But we need you to stand with us. We need you to fight with us. We need your support now more than ever. And if you really think that it is all for nothing, walk away. I can almost guarantee we already know someone who will never walk away. Who will ALWAYS support us. And that is the person we'll run to. That is the person we'll stay with. The one that will never give up, that will keep fighting, and never give up on us.
For some, its family. For others, its other veterans.
Take pride in your service. Pay tribute to those that lost their lives; that gave the ultimate sacrifice. We are not all understood by all, but you will always be remembered. You will always be honored by those that aren't stingy and think they're entitled. You are a Marine, a Soldier, a sailor, an airman; And you did your homage to this country. Be proud. Be steadfast. Be the hero. Let yourself heal. Keep reaching for help. And if you see or hear about someone who fell between the cracks, or was tossed aside; HELP THEM. In ANY way you can. They NEED you. WE need you.
And as our Marines say, Semper Fidelis "ALWAYS FAITHFUL"
I may not always be completely together. But I always mean well. And no matter what, that tattoo will always keep me on the right path. So, Thank you Nick. You will always be a soldier. Keep fighting. Keep being strong. We are ALL fighting for you. NO soldier left behind.
