You know I aint did shit today haha

I had a grip of stuff to do today. Did I? Hell no. Sadly my body mimics the weather. Hella bummed tho. Had a baseball game to go to tomorrow and its supposed to rain til Sunday. Not MLB. hahaha I hate major league baseball. Little League. Kid ain't bad.

Thats it. i got nothing else.

Empty is Empty.. no matter how you look at it...

The 'me' that some ppl see, is most def not the person I am inside. I am def not confident. I am def not sure about anything. Inside, I am still hollow. I am still broken. I try not to show it because I've been told that I'm the strong one. That basically means I'm supposed to be the one that never breaks. I did tho. 


Kinda sad actually. I tried so hard to be that 'right hook' 24/7. It wears on you tho. It's so exhausting. And when I broke.. it killed me that I had to wait for someone to call me back. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.. and my 'problems' are inconvenient for everyone. I just wish ppl would be straight with me and just be like, "Look. I'm sorry, but I don't have time in my life for you." Then there are those friends who seem to call because they feel guilty for not giving a shit before. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Its even worse that my own family doesn't even call to see how I am. It's straight up disappointing. I seriously feel abandoned. I've been 'adopted' in a few families. But it will never be the same. I always feel like the third wheel. Like someone else felt compelled to do it because of how I feel. It's hard to explain.

Might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a family. I have no idea whats its like, and I don't pretend to. Most ppl my age at least have a kid. Some of my friends have 3. As a chic, not having anything makes me feel like a failure. I honestly think I would of made a pretty good mom. But throughout the years, I've heard the same story. "I can't see you ever having kids." etc etc. Not even close. Oddly enough I had 2 goals in my life. 1. Being a Soldier. 2. Having a family. Took care of one... still an epic fail at #2. It's gotta be me. Seriously. 


It feels like I've spent my entire life having my heart ripped to shreds. I wouldn't even call it depression. I call it  Chronic Disappointment. I finally just gave up. I'm either in the 'friend zone' or would NEVER date the ppl interested in me LMFAO. For real. Can't win. So I figure, fuck it. If  I'm that big of a deal to someone, they know where I am. 


I don't want sympathy. I don't want ppl to feel bad. All I am lookin for are people who really know me, not on the internet, who genuinely give a shit about me. And I can't even tell you how hard that is to find. It's one thing to say you do, and it's another to really mean it. I have trust issues as it is. So, having my trust in someone proved to be fruitless...it crushes me more and more each time. Each time, I'm dragged under a little further. 


Just like I've told several people. I'm the poster child for Murphy's Law. If it CAN go wrong, oh it does. Without fail. Life is really just a game of chance. You win some. You lose some. But when you're losses outweigh your wins, it makes you wonder. Why the FUCK am I still doing this!? Why? Because like it or not, we are all holding the death card. It's just a matter of time before it cashes itself in. And I am not ready to go yet. I still have a chance. So many do and don't even realize it. Just because you think its pointless, doesn't mean it is. Just because you think your life no longer has a meaning, doesn't mean it does. Especially as a veteran...You came home. Honor those we lost by living. I live everyday hoping the next will get better. Does it? No. lol.But hey, we can't all be rockstars. I lose hope almost daily.. but I pick myself back up and soldier on. One way or another. 


So in closing, let me say this.


Empty is empty. There's no other way to explain it. The fact that we are still here gives people hope. Trust me. Our determination, selflessness and brute soul-taking strength empowers those around us. Whether we notice or not, people are actually paying attention and are envious of it. We are a different breed. NEVER forget that.