The 'me' that some ppl see, is most def not the person I am inside. I am def not confident. I am def not sure about anything. Inside, I am still hollow. I am still broken. I try not to show it because I've been told that I'm the strong one. That basically means I'm supposed to be the one that never breaks. I did tho.
Kinda sad actually. I tried so hard to be that 'right hook' 24/7. It wears on you tho. It's so exhausting. And when I broke.. it killed me that I had to wait for someone to call me back. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.. and my 'problems' are inconvenient for everyone. I just wish ppl would be straight with me and just be like, "Look. I'm sorry, but I don't have time in my life for you." Then there are those friends who seem to call because they feel guilty for not giving a shit before. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Its even worse that my own family doesn't even call to see how I am. It's straight up disappointing. I seriously feel abandoned. I've been 'adopted' in a few families. But it will never be the same. I always feel like the third wheel. Like someone else felt compelled to do it because of how I feel. It's hard to explain.
Might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a family. I have no idea whats its like, and I don't pretend to. Most ppl my age at least have a kid. Some of my friends have 3. As a chic, not having anything makes me feel like a failure. I honestly think I would of made a pretty good mom. But throughout the years, I've heard the same story. "I can't see you ever having kids." etc etc. Not even close. Oddly enough I had 2 goals in my life. 1. Being a Soldier. 2. Having a family. Took care of one... still an epic fail at #2. It's gotta be me. Seriously.
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It feels like I've spent my entire life having my heart ripped to shreds. I wouldn't even call it depression. I call it Chronic Disappointment. I finally just gave up. I'm either in the 'friend zone' or would NEVER date the ppl interested in me LMFAO. For real. Can't win. So I figure, fuck it. If I'm that big of a deal to someone, they know where I am.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want ppl to feel bad. All I am lookin for are people who really know me, not on the internet, who genuinely give a shit about me. And I can't even tell you how hard that is to find. It's one thing to say you do, and it's another to really mean it. I have trust issues as it is. So, having my trust in someone proved to be fruitless...it crushes me more and more each time. Each time, I'm dragged under a little further.
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So in closing, let me say this.
Empty is empty. There's no other way to explain it. The fact that we are still here gives people hope. Trust me. Our determination, selflessness and brute soul-taking strength empowers those around us. Whether we notice or not, people are actually paying attention and are envious of it. We are a different breed. NEVER forget that.
I like it.
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