Turns out I'm not gonna be a loser for New Years :))

Been really looking for Rent to Own places in LB. I found 5 I'm gonna call about. Then if there's anything I actually wanna 'pursue', I'll check 'em out when I get down that way in Jan. I'm so fuckin excited. Seriously. Like, you don't even know. haha

Honestly, I space a lot. All I can think about is just moving. Getting it over with and not have some crazy shit happen. If the Army would give me my $ this would be even easier. haha! I'm waitin on all kinds of shit. lol

Ok. So this is new. Really. I still don't know how to respond to this kind of stuff lol. People seem to think that I'm a piece of meat apparently. Guys are coming out of the woodwork with some CRAZY ass shit. I mean really. Chill out. I had a few tell me they wanted to move here cuz of me. Dude. OMG. lmfao No. I'm good thanks. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have sometimes lol Definite confidence booster tho!!

I have absolutely no plans for New Years. I'm guessing I'll be right here. Fuck I hope not. I can't just keep sitting here. Nowhere to go really. I mean I could go to LB... if I had money. lmfao or Redding, but that ALSO requires money. So I'll just sit here and put "The Santa Clause" on repeat. JK :) I'll probably snipe my way through the New Year and not even realize it lmao.

Ok. I could of just rewrote the above paragraph, but yea. As long as its moderately close of course lol, I'm going to N.Y.E. on New Years with Jeff (AKA SoldierHard). Should be, well, awesome. I haven't done anything fun in a long time. Shits about to do a 180, so might as well start the year of a little crazy huh? lol

Its 0238. I'm still awake. Never fails. I just wanna be able to sleep. Not sure what it is. I feel safe here, so that's not it. I just feel uneasy I think. And that could be caused by a lot of things. I got a lot of traveling ahead of me. My body is already protesting lol.

Think I'm gonna go lay down with my extra pillow and a heating pad. I gotta have some decent movies in this room somewhere.

Buddy the Elf, whats your favorite color? :))

Think it's far enough into Christmas to start this thing off. I got up at like 11, got ready. Most of the day I was either outside or in my room chillin'. Nadia was out in the living room, Jason and John playing Modern Warfare, and Tony in HIS room. Not much for a gathering haha. Not much longer and I'll have a puppy to keep me from being so lonely all the time. We got like 1 picture taken. So, that needs done. We just need one workable one really.

Dinner was good. We had ham, stuffing, gravy, salad, yummy biscuits, homemade cranberry sauce and yams. I think that's all of it lol I only had ham, stuffing and biscuits. Got the stomach capacity of an infant apparently. lol

Lucky seriously cracks me up. He's definitely a talker lol. Ellie actually seemed happy to have him around. Apparently she's not a fan of not being the center of attention lol. Reminds me of some of the people I know. haha It was kind of cute to find a present To: Ellie From: Papa under the tree. I'd of done the same thing if I had Bradley right now.

Got to watch "Elf". Problem was, it was on like.. repeat. Kinda funny that I seen a news article highlighting the fact this year was crap for Christmas movies. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. I think TBS has that 25 days of Christmas thing, but the movies slotted for this year were horrible. I mean c'mon! "Ernest saves Christmas". No? That's a classic! I had to wait til Christmas eve to see "The Santa Clause". (I ended up bumping up my Netflix to 3 discs to get 1-3.) Thank you network television for being so cheap you dampened my Christmas spirit. Now smack yourself repeatedly.

It rained pretty hard today. Of COURSE it did. haha It WAS nice for a little bit. Which I definitely missed today. I actually miss PA Christmas's. Where there's so much snow, you can easily opt out of visiting. "Sorry [insert name here]. The roads are just too bad to drive in." Solves that problem lol  Tho, most don't because they're softy's. lol  If it were me, It would go something like this. -> "You don't want me there trust me. If I have to drive in it, I'm gonna be an asshole all day." Pretty much sums it up right? I will inadvertently make you hate life because I had to drive in it. lol For safety reasons, I would be a genius.

One person called today. Adam. He's kinda awesome like that. I got a bunch of texts tho. Some of them I woke up to. 6 to be exact. Others I prompted. My own mother didn't call lol. I COULD of called her, but I'm sorry, why does it always have to be me? lol Would it kill someone to call ME for once? I'm on that kick right now. I was actually about win a bet with myself that no one would call. hahaha Dammit. ;)

It's 0332. I should be asleep. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm barely here. And suddenly just want to watch Harry Potter. THAT is Kiley's fault. Damn you Kiley Hora. haha Hey. We all like something we're actually embarrassed to tell others. Some claim they're not intimidated, but we all know they secretly love playing with Barbie's. hahah  :)

Lori & Religion :: What no one really knew til now.

Christmas Day. Finally we have reached this holiday, dreaded by many. Not because of the religious factor, but because it's lonely. This time of year is supposed to be about being with family and friends. But what do you do, if you don't exactly have that? What if you still feel isolated? What if... you spend Christmas alone? Some just can't really afford to do the big commercial Christmas thing. And in my opinion, the poorer you are; the more you understand what really matters in life. Being spoon fed money, power and bullshit will get you nowhere but going through life arrogant and pathetic. The downside is that being poor doesn't exactly help you buy your kid presents. They just learn the hard way what it's like to have nothing; what it's like to barely survive the holidays. The 'privileged' will never know what it's like to pray, wish or hope for a Christmas miracle. Because they voted on their salary before they left for the holidays, while Bills that benefit Veterans and American citizens are done at their leisure. No rush. Funny how that works. Americans are losing their homes because they got laid off and all they can think about is how much money they're gonna add to their already ridiculous salary. I know I'm venting, and I'm sorry. Cuz, ya know, it's Christmas. But I gotta get it out somehow. there will probably be another one later. I expect today to be camera worthy, because it is definitely gonna be interesting.

I'm hoping that next year, after I get settled finally, Christmas will be better. Not just better, the best. That's my plan. I've had enough shitty, depressing, lonely and literally painful Christmas's. enough that I was about to throw in the 'toy bag'. Each year it got worse. each year it was the same. things are about to change. I've regained a very important part of me that was lost there for a while. The part that allows to laugh at futile attempts at trying to 'hurt' me, that reminds me that I can't save everyone, and kindly tells me to go where my soul leads me. And honestly, I've secretly always wanted to live in long beach haha. I'm gonna scope it out while I'm down south for the event in Studio City. On the way back up, I'm just gonna go straight to Redding. Why? 

Bradley, about a week or 2 old. 

BRADLEY!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep! Soon!! Gotta commandeer some doggy stuff (bed, leash, crate, treats, food, dishes, a vet!! lol) for the little guy. I'm SOOOO excited about Bradley. In March or April, I drive BACK down to Long Beach to solidfy everything for the move. The next time I show my face in Long Beach, I won't be leaving. :) 

I noticed that my bullshit tolerance has decreased. Which is a part of who I used to be. I never put up with ANYONE's bs. Ever. I ended up just following along, never knowing what was going on or where I was going, until I snapped. It's a hard way to hit bottom. Like jumping off the grand canyon. Surviving that would be a miracle. God himself would have to float down and help cushion your fall. . I'm kinda of stuck in the middle. Which is a problem for some people, because they don't understand why I'm not like them. There's a reason why I'm not a fan of religion. Look at what people do when they take their faith to a whole new deadly level. I've seen the worst in people. I was a case that didn't get religious while I was in Iraq. I fear what it does to people who are easily swayed. Here's a little background, and oddly I don't think this has EVER come up in conversation. I was born a protestant, went to church with my grandfather every Sunday until his death. I actually learned how to tie my shoes in church. :) I've read the bible at least 10 times and there's a lot in there that just doesn't make sense to me. I'm a realist. I act on fact not faith. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to get back to the little girl who hardly ever missed a Sunday School. We shall see.

 

Some things, there's just no coming back from. You're not really  'in a pickle'. You're stubborn.  Just keep moving...and don't look back.  The longer you stick around, the harder it is to leave. Not even because you WANT to stay, but because that life is set to a routine. Call it 'force of habit'. Stop being lazy. Pack your shit and go. Run even. If you're that unhappy, why would you stay? Be kinda stupid huh. Of course this advise is easier said than done. Not that it's an issue NOW. Because if I could, I'd move to Long Beach tonight.

The stars shine no matter where you are. All you need to do find a place that fits you. Risks are the fun part of life. The EPIC FAILS that follow? not so much. 

Belligerently Single

You can't get more single than I am. But for the first time in my life, I'm having to turn ppl down. Not just a few, like a lot. I don't understand how all that works. I was a social butterfly, not a model. I'm not used to being hit on. Well lol there was that one time in japan i got hit on... That would be the night my 1st husband slammed my head off the pavement.  No, its not funny. But I am at peace with it. I'm allowed to laugh at it.

I really don't feel like driving. My body is crashing. Its tired and stressed. I've been in so much pain lately. So much that nothing seems to help.

I made it there and back. Not long after I got back, attitude ensued.. forcing my anxiety up. Thanks for that by the way.  But I just took my medicine so I feel better now.  Makes me want to move even sooner. If I get the money, I will for sure. Either way, i have to drive down there before I actually  move. Guess I should start figuring this out now.

I go where I'm needed...

Time til Christmas is dwindling down. Christmas is almost here. Tomorrow I have to drive down to Belmont to pick up Jason. Just wish I knew when... and fuck I hope I have enough gas. I SHOULD be able to get there on a quarter tank... but traffic. That's what scares me.

I'm watching the Steelers...again. Which is weird. Isn't this like the second time this week? Whatever. Either way we're up 27-0. :) I do love football. I can't wait to have someone to watch it with. Like I've said previously. Kinda boring.

I'm more and more excited about moving to Long Beach as each day passes. Fresh start. People I can trust and hang out with. People who won't abandon me. Plus.. Bradley!! I pick him up on the way back from Studio City. I just have to make sure I can get a place that is cool with Bradley being a pitbull. If I'm lucky, the Army will give me my $ by at least June so I can just try to do the "Rent to Own" thing. The money they owe me still is goin to a down payment on a house or something. If I do that, then  no one can say shit. Plus, I'd be able to unfuck the decor' that is certain to exist in any home I choose. Point is, I'll be able to design it to my tastes. Not someone elses. Ya know, get a house with a couple rooms and rent them out to veterans. That'll help ease the burden of the bills on me, help out a fellow veteran, and we all have someone right there if needed. Kinda like being here. Just warmer.

I was told that I tend to go where I'm needed. Not intentionally, I just gravitate to where I'm needed. A few months ago, something told me I should move to Long Beach. I laughed, because I just moved. But the more I thought about it, I can do more down there. Its warmer, so its easier on me physically. I know way more people down there. Its' a perfect ending to a very trying few months. My life has been crazy since I got out in April. Here's my shot at some damn stability.  

When I moved here, it was either the best or worst decision ever. I honestly can't survive without a purpose. There has to be a reason for me to exist. That's why I keep myself so busy. I WISH I could work. But I just physically can't. I can help others, but never myself. What I need is someone who will help me when I needed, give me a hug when I look like I need one.. etc etc. I've come across some characters, that's for sure. Am I nervous? Hell yea! I hate moving! So, I'm gonna make sure everything is perfectly set before I pop smoke. July is the latest. If I end up out of here earlier, then so be it. But I'll def give Nadia a heads up.

 "Deuces" by Chris Brown (Let's not chastise him. It's about the song, not the ass-beating he did in his spare time.) Song is on point. I'm not trying to make my life work. I want it to do just what it's supposed to do. Go on. I can't spend the rest of my life settling.  And I won't. "My hearts big, but it beats quiet." True. It's time to go. Time to get to where I WANT to be by going where I'm needed. This REALLY is the last time tho. I can do more down south. I know more people. Its warmer. My niece lives in Hemet, so i'd actually be able to see her. I've had people buggin me to move down there since I got here in June. So why not go where I'm wanted?

Shit is about to change. 

You don't have to like everything about someone, to love them as a person.

It's been raining for like... weeks. Which is good since I haven't heard Smoky the Bear freak the fuck out cuz some dumbass started a forest fire.  So, that's always a plus. On the downside? We've had so much rain, there's been flooding and mudslides. Shit is crazy. Last year it was WA state that had the mudslides. It's like shitty weather follows me everywhere. Well, except for snow. Which is just.. well... weird. 

I hear it's been snowin' pretty bad in PA. But that's normal. It's PA...in winter. I found the pictures of the 'snow porn' we did on the lawn of the new barracks haha. Hilaaarious. I won't post them tho. Too graphic for some haha. I also realized that THAT was the last time I seen snow. So, in the last ten years, I've seen more than an inch of snow one time. lol crazy. Although, it DID snow in Baghdad in 2007. That's just crazy.  Christmas is only a few days away. I'm still waiting on  Jason to call Nadia so I know if I'm picking him up Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Until he talks to her, I know nothing. Her house... I'm just driving. lol 

TBI is still jackin me up full force. I forgot that one of my TEAM Leaders is a  published author. Then when I realized it, I knew he would be perfect to head of the book project. Besides, he IS my Project TEAM Leader. :) I am SO happy to have the people I have on my team. Had a few more on standby, but I need to get through the holidays. Can't make a lot of decisions right now.  The organization I found yesterday and am STOKED to be working with in the future, is called Real Combat Life. 

It is a site that allows veterans to submit stories to share their experience with others. This is HUGE for OBP, because this is half of what we'll need to complete this project. After the New Year, I will hash everything out for the book and possible documentary. I'm gonna start signing stuff BZB. lol Glad tho. That means it's all coming together. A portion of the proceeds will go to a project or idea that the Blue Phoenix TEAM chooses. We are all veterans, so no worries there's. haha Lots of stuff coming up...and fast. like I said. haha BzB

Just took a look at the clock. Its 0256. I never realize what time it is. Kinda explains the excessive pain in random parts of my body, but then again, it always feels like that. haha. Sleeping has been almost impossible. I don't.... until my body crashes. But that's not sleep. That's nothing, for all intense purposes, but passing out. I could get drunk and probably dot the same thing. I can sleep if I smoke A LOT of my medicine. But that shit is expensive!!! So, I try not to do that. Maybe if I was loaded like Snoop Dogg it wouldn't be an issue. 

I'm watching "Juno". I like this movie. She's so sarcastic. Just an all around good movie. There's nothing on. I mean, yea, its fuckin 3am. But that's not even the point, it's been like this all damn day. Nothin good on or we don't get that channel. The one channel I really wish we had? The MILITARY channel. Love it. Can't watch it.  

. Uh. Another thing. 

WTF is up with the Christmas movies? I've seen like 2 on and they all suck! No Rudolph?! No Frosty?! 

?!  I remember a time when could literally count down December by the Christmas movies. Funny how much TV has changed. We went from Dukes of Hazzard... to "The Hills". Blah. Shh. You're pretty we get it. Who cares. You're a conceited whore. Meeeehhhhh. lol

and finally, the legacy of ross mcGinnis.

 I was proud and sad the day I heard about him. Proud that he was from PA like me, at ease with his decision that day... knowingly giving his life to save the lives of his brothers... and sad that he didn't make it. I can't even imagine having to make a decision like that...or having to live with the survivors guilt. That's the thing with this type of bravery. The survivors will punish themselves forever. 

I'm not exactly running...

Today I woke up in a place I shouldn't have been. Not a bad place. Just not where I should be. I mean, why am I always waking up on furniture other than my own bed? Great question. Too lazy to get up I guess. I dunno.

I fear that I'm running out of space. Space for my shit, space for my thoughts. Space for everything really. Its time. Just where to go... where to go...  North or South? It's a hard decision actually.

Redding: Reminds me of PA because of all the trees. It's more back woodsy. I could easily get property there much cheaper than down south. Guns. I know 2 people there.

Long Beach---ish. (Location not chosen yet. General area tho. lol) :  Warmer.  Closer to my niece Hailey. I know 4 people there. Beach.

Pros and cons to both. So, I'm still in limbo. I'll make a final decision after I get back from So Cal mid January. I wanna plan this out so the past doesn't repeat itself. I wanna do WRIISC before I move tho. There's only 4 in the country. The closest one is actually not even 2 hours away. When I move it'll be at LEAST 6 hours. Better if I just do it before I go. Either way, it won't be for a few months.

I've been observing. People watching. The interactions of some actually make me ill. Others make me laugh in disbelief that they're doing it AGAIN. Random things. I didn't realize how many whores I knew; how many scandalous people I was in the company of. It's sad what you find when you really start looking deep into the character of person; and see nothing but ego and arrogance. I have seen the worse of people w/out them realizing their doing it. You can't help someone who refuses to get help. Period.

It's 5 days til Christmas and all I can think about is payday. I wish i could get access to all my damn money. I hate being broke. Christmas has always been an awkward holiday for me. Sure, it was cool getting 2 sets of presents ALMOST every year, but there was always this awkward feeling. One parent would get jealous of what the other parent got for us.  Broken families are dysfunctional like that tho. Which sometimes can be hilarious. Others, it's a nightmare. Being poor was just an added bonus. Might explain the high enlistment rate in PA.

I've been seeing a lot of fog lately. Reminds of of Iraq. Tho, of course, Iraq is all dust and blah. Here it's like precipitation and smog lol. I know it sounds weird, but as much as I hated my old unit, i'd rather be in Afghanistan with THEM right now. Doing my job.  I had one of the film crew tell me that I'm doing the same thing now as I did in Iraq... "Still trying to save people."

Oh yea. Here's something no one knows. haha I keep my old windshield wipers in my trunk to get the excess water off the back window easier. lol Ya know. Cuz I'm short. :)

Are you ready for some football? Cuz I am.

It's sunday. The Eagles are gettin stomped by the Giants. Good way to start off the day. But the Steelers game is on right after, so there's still hope for PA. 

I woke up at 5am confused. Seems to be a reoccurring thing. Then realized Adam was up too thanks to some firecrackers. There's never just one veteran wide awake at 3am. I ended up stayin up til almost 8am. Crashed til after 11. That's when I remembered there was a camera crew in the house. Awesome. That means I can't pee  until their done. lmao. That's all I could think about. But they were all pretty cool. I was telling them about a few of my ideas and apparently they're pretty good. lol

I stayed in my room til I seen the Eagles get the game tying touchdown. I was excited and walked into the kitchen. I didn't get to see the end of the game because I ended up talking the whole time. But we won! :) I'm watching the Steelers game right now. I hardly get to watch any of their games on TV because they never show them. So it's rare and I like it.

I haven't decided officially as of yet, but I'm looking into moving south, like Long Beach. The way it's looking, I'll be down there a lot anyways. So to save on the destruction traveling does on my body... why not just move there? Well, that's how I see it.  Only time will tell tho. And if I do, I'll get to see my niece in Hemet. Never seen her.

The holidays kinda got me depressed. I spend a lot of time by myself, so it feels like every other Christmas I've had in the last 10 years. Lonely and pointless. Might be the PTSD. Who knows. It sure would be nice to have someone to watch football with. I feel stupid yelling at the TV by myself. lol

Headaches are back. So, definitely glad I still have Excedrin Express Gels. The only thing that works on my headache that you don't need a prescription for. It's crazy.

Still waiting on the green light from Nadia. lol I have til the end of next month, I just want to know if I can get Bradley or not. It's driving me crazy not knowing.

Detox

 I jokingly claim that I'm day 2 into detox. The longer time goes on, the more I realize. And so far, it's kind of depressing.  I decided to keep writing, because Stanford is just too far away for me to keep driving there day after day. It's easier for me and at anytime, I can show it to my doc. So, really it works out for everyone. No one has to listen to me unless they get bored and feel like reading. No one is obligated to care, which is awesome, cuz I absolutely hate people who pretend to give a shit about someone. Either you do or you don't. 

This is the only way to get things off my chest. People will only listen for so long. But, I'm in such a state right now, that I'm actually worried how it will all turn out. I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas, so I just shut up. I just sit here and stare at the computer screen. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so miserable I can't function.

Holiday depression is the worst. You watch everyone happy on the TV, you watch everything come out ok on all the movies.... Real life isn't like that. People don't just hustle and bustle through the holidays with a smile. Not really. Society isn't REALLY like that. Christmas is chaos; a commercialized holiday where poor people give love and rich people give Bentley's. Christmas is dysfunctional and materialistic. Christmas is a joke now, thanks to all those who brought its commercial value into the main stream.  They have ruined it for everyone. You don't even have to believe in god to celebrate it now. You just have to think 'Santa' instead of 'Jesus'.

 

I just want Christmas to  be over with. I don't even want anything. I just want it to be over and for my dysfunctional and destructive mayhem, I call my life, to push forward. I know I wake up every day next to ghosts. My past continues to haunt me. I don't have anyone to help save me. To keep me straight. I sleep on a bed that isn't mine, which is bullshit, because I miss my memory foam mattress. I want it back. Why should I pay for something only to have someone else who doesn't deserve it use it. Funny how that works. Little me, getting fucked over? Not new. Apparently I'm easy to manipulate and treat like shit. And ppl wonder why I trust no one.

The metaphor "detox" was chosen because I have reached a point, an end, and must cleanse myself of this chaos. I am not a punching bag. I am not here to be yelled at. I am not here to do the work of others, but to HELP others when and where I can.

I have given up my previous quest. Did I fail? Yes. Because I don't know how to help everyone. Was it worth it? Right now, no. It was not worth it. In my eyes, right now, it was a mistake. I didn't  deserve to be treated like I did. And I put up with it for a lot longer than most women would.  So, good luck with a that.  Detox. Thats what my new year's resolution is. To get all of the BS out of my life. 

The loneliest time of the year...

I've never been a fan of Christmas. It's sucked every year since I was 17. I've either been alone or on the verge of divorce every year. It's a very lonely time of year for me. In fact, it is for many veterans; and Americans as well. 

Christmas just reminds me of how lonely I am. Most of my friends have kids that will tear open presents Christmas morning; beaming from ear to ear. Or have someone to spend Christmas with; like a boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, mistress or hooker. This year, for some reason I feel alone now more than ever. We're doing some sort of gift exchange this year at nadias, which is cool; but I have a heavy feeling that is just stuck in place. I can't get rid of it. I can't get myself in the spirit at all. And I've tried. Something is always there to break my effort. 

I kind of miss the snow. I miss watching it; not shoveling it, or falling in it, or freezing in it. It looks nice. But, I'm in Cali now. No snow. Instead we have freak weather and rain. This is not shaping up to be the freedom I was hoping for. It makes me sick how naive I am. You'd be surprised at how many chances I give people and I have yet to NOT to have it thrown back in my face. Guys love to throw shit at me. Maybe I just have one of those faces? Guys also like to think I owe them something. If you think that, you should quit what you're doing right now. 

I'll be doing this a lot during the holidays. Writing is all I have. If I'm lucky, I'll get a blue nose pitt puppy. At least I'll have a companion. Right now I have FB and I'm sure everyone would be happy if I shut up for 10 mins. lol :) 

Polytrauma Appt & W.R.I.I.S.C.

So, I had an appointment with the Polytrauma Team in Palo Alto. They are the shit. The secretary chic physically calls patients the day before their appointment. Never had that happen before. The doc I had, Dr Huang, listening very carefully to everything we said. This guy thanked me for my cooperation since its so hard us to do these appts. Never had that happen before either.

He asked when and what I remember, the length of my memory loss, asked me the 'remember 3 things' crap, which I failed.. over "green pen". Couldn't remember what day or day of the week it was, but got the month and year right.. Go me. haha He checked my balance with was BAD. All in all, great appointment. I got a an MRI scheduled but I need to reschedule it. I can't make another trip to Palo Alto this week. I'm not even goin to PTSD treatment tomorrow cuz of it. lol

Early next year I will also be going through the W.R.I.I.S.C. program. Trying to take care of my TBI stuff at the same time so I don't have to deal with it in a million visits. I got a feeling I'll be down there alone tho. Which sucks, but its whatever. I have a computer haha

Instead....

If left alone, PTSD and TBI can drastically and negatively affect your life in immense waves. Mine's being treated, but it's the holidays. That means a lot of depressed veterans and troops.  Including yours truly. 

My life is always changing. You'd think that would be  normal, but it's a level and speed of change that is just unreal. I can't even keep up with my own life, because I never know what's going on. I got a real good grip on it today and it occurred to me that I'm used to it. No one should get used to being miserable. Apparently over the years, I've given up hope. What's the point? The end is always the same.

It's easier for me to go through life pretty low key. I keep to myself a lot anyways now. Not even on purpose. I just have no one here to have a 'one-on-one' chit-chat with. Funny how isolated you can feel even when you're not actually alone.

I just wanted a normal life. The house, the husband, the kids, the pets.... ya know. Like basically everyone else I know. Instead I have a moon chair and a car that was nicknamed 'the great pumpkin'. Instead I can't even have kids, let alone maintain any kind of relationship. Instead, I sit here and wonder why I even bother. Instead, the only pet I own is an IPod touch. Instead, I have full storage and have nowhere to put anything I own. Instead, I never want to celebrate another holiday as long as I live.

Nothing is how it's supposed to be. Of course, we're pretty resilient. So, I just go with it a lot. Unfortunately, it's done nothing but lead me in circles. Its hard to give a shit when you know you're being used. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks. 

Cutting losses

Today I am cutting losses. Respect is EARNED...not given. Demanding it never worked for anyone. And I refused to be treated like shit just because someone doesn't get their way. Grow up.

On finding my ACUs

I went to storage today to get the base of my 42" flat screen LCD tv. The admiral was nice enough to snag it for me from storage earlier cuz it's pretty heavy. When I seen the unpacked box sitting on the floor, I thought "How much you wanna bet the base isn't even in there.." And it wasn't. So there I was, digging through the chaos in the dark with a flashlight. I found the base, but I also found a full set of ACUs. Including the boots, socks and my beret. When I got home, I put on them on. I miss wearing them actually. Nadia promoted me to SGT in the kitchen since I never got an actual promotion. (Thats what happens when your senior enlisted and the Dept of the Army are at odds as to weather or not you should get promoted. haha I won. ) I sat outside bullshitting for a while, just comfy as can be. I didn't even fix the TV til way after I got home. lol Sad. But I do miss wearing them. Crazy, but I miss the Army.

Short and depressing

I spend the majority of my time alone. Trying to find reasons to leave this cave, and there just aren't any reasons. I never know when people want me around or just want me to do shit for them. I never know if they're talking to me or to someone else because not much is said to me lately. I just need someone to exist. Someone who gives a shit that isn't 400 miles away. Until then, I'll sit here. Wishing things were different and everything made sense. Until then, I'll continue to deteriorate.