I've never been a fan of Christmas. It's sucked every year since I was 17. I've either been alone or on the verge of divorce every year. It's a very lonely time of year for me. In fact, it is for many veterans; and Americans as well.
Christmas just reminds me of how lonely I am. Most of my friends have kids that will tear open presents Christmas morning; beaming from ear to ear. Or have someone to spend Christmas with; like a boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, mistress or hooker. This year, for some reason I feel alone now more than ever. We're doing some sort of gift exchange this year at nadias, which is cool; but I have a heavy feeling that is just stuck in place. I can't get rid of it. I can't get myself in the spirit at all. And I've tried. Something is always there to break my effort.
I kind of miss the snow. I miss watching it; not shoveling it, or falling in it, or freezing in it. It looks nice. But, I'm in Cali now. No snow. Instead we have freak weather and rain. This is not shaping up to be the freedom I was hoping for. It makes me sick how naive I am. You'd be surprised at how many chances I give people and I have yet to NOT to have it thrown back in my face. Guys love to throw shit at me. Maybe I just have one of those faces? Guys also like to think I owe them something. If you think that, you should quit what you're doing right now.
I'll be doing this a lot during the holidays. Writing is all I have. If I'm lucky, I'll get a blue nose pitt puppy. At least I'll have a companion. Right now I have FB and I'm sure everyone would be happy if I shut up for 10 mins. lol :)
You have got the PTSD Christmas down pat. No trees, no lights. I have found myself waiting for something to happen. At 63 the central pain is not always strong. I give my time as a volunteer and pursue art. I try to create to offset the destruction.
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