Baghdad ER and my "tailspin"

So, I got it because I kept telling myself I had to see it. But hindsite is 20/20. I should never of turned it on. I'm expecting a bad night alone. Seeing and hearing all of it.. the bodies, the blood, the explosions. This was a very bad idea. It makes you think. "Man Lori. That could of been you." I realize how much I hate this war. How much I'm tired of losing guys to this shit. It makes me cry. From a person who never cried, to a person who just can't stop.

"We don't want you to go. We want you to fight. But if you can't, its ok to go. Its ok to go."

I hate it. Why am I watching this? I LOST it.

I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea. I just watched the life leave his body. Even on film and not being there, knowing he was one of ours... it kills me. I mean, our guys get hit so hard, and fight so hard to live, and they just... don't. I don't where all this is coming from. It started this morning. Maybe its the lack of sleep. Seeing as I haven't slept in goin on 2 days. I just can't do it.

And as I'm writing this, I get a phone call from a Marine thinking I was Jess. And sounded pissed off he got me instead. FML. I'm useless. I can't help anyone. Today is just a bad day for me. I"m sorry for all this. I need to get out of here. Before i pull a disappearing act. Wish I knew what to say to people. I just don't. I can't be helping people anyways right now. Not in my condition. Not without someone here to talk to,. I'm always alone. A face to face would be nice. But i got a cat who stares at me and a dog who just wants to be annoying.

So what do i do? How can i help people when I need the help too? When people would rather talk to someone else. I think I'm the one who needs a battle buddy.

Cali

So, i'm moving to Cali on June 11th. I'm stoked! Can't wait to get out there. Got so much going on and it'll be good to be around people who understand what i'm going through. Plus no snow, so winter wont be as hard on me.

I'm feeling ok lately. Probably cuz i'm so busy. But whatever works right? And i know i'm helping other people. Especially those I served along side; fellow veterans. FMS is still kicking my ass and i'm always in pain, but i'm waiting on my meds the VA prescribed for me. Johns gonna walk me through the VA so I dont get screwed. So that'll be good. Got all the piercings I wanted and next week tat #8. I'm way too excited. Its pricey to move, but totally worth it.

We got the J.O.S.L. (Joint Org Support Line) set up. Where vets can get help. It has the Warrior Distress Line, Vets in Need and Battle Buddy. *1-800-689-1850*