Tryin to get all my shit straight. Its hard. I can't even place my words right now. All I know is that more friends are goin back to combat or already there. I got so much going on, but at the same time nothing. I'm numb most of the time, because I can't afford to let myself go. But then I become vulnerable to even more severe panic attacks. I try to keep myself busy. But i'm so worried about what will happen. Not just to me, but to ppl i know. I just wish i knew how to fix everything. Just thinking about a bad outcome shoots my anxiety way up. And I worry how my friends are REALLY doing. How the war effects them. Are they like me? Do they have that same constant fear?
Then on top of that, I have everything else. The impending doom that is my so called love life, the fibromyalgia... my future, if there is one. I made it through so much, but iraq broke me. And now i'm trying to recover. The war will never leave me.. it just doesn't. I just wanna be able to live again. To be happy for once. But i have my doubts. Being a hopeless romantic and being alone is just a horrible combination. I thought i was doing ok. I guess I was way off. I'm just too broken to be happy i guess. Man, how i wish it was different. I just hope the skies clear for me soon on one of them. I could really use the break in disappointment and devastation.
