Not Enough

Regardless of what I have done thus far, I still feel like I haven't done enough. I do my veteran thing, tryin to go back to school, AMVETS, etc etc. I've never gotten to a point where I feel content. I never really feel accomplished. Maybe I'm not supposed to until things change. I never expect anyone to actually read these, but i guess getting it out kind of helps. It allows me to go back and see how better or worse I've gotten since my return. So far, I think I've progressed. But who am I to say. I'm the same person who said I didn't have PTSD. Most of us say the same thing. "Na. Not me. I'm just readjusting."

A lot has changed in the last few months, but most remain the same. 4th of July was interesting. Some vets are okay with fireworks, the random loud noises and gunshots... I'm not. I'm in the category of those that can't handle it. I wish you could turn it off, but as everyone knows. War effects people differently. I'm always afraid something bad is gonna happen. Sad part of that is the 'bad feeling' thing I get. I've never been wrong when I get those. Ever. I can tell the difference of the constant fear from the 'bad feeling' apart, so I guess thats a good thing? Not sure really. I've always hated being able to tell when something bad would happen, yet never know when something good would happen. That intuitive misery is my downfall.

The VA is as useless as always. I went there to try and get some sort of pain relief. Their answer? They can't give me any pain meds because I have PTSD. Are you kidding me?!? So, not I have to deal with the PTSD and the severe pain on my own as always. I never seem to get the help I need from these idiots. And they wonder why we have no faith in them. And ask anyone that knows me; being in pain makes me cranky. But I push through it because I know that there are others far worse off than I am. So, I do what I've always done. Power through the pain.

There's so many things I wish I could change. From the way people think to the danger people are put in. Unfortunately, I can't change any of that. With some people, I can almost pinpoint every word they will say in conversation. Probably cuz I've heard it at least 30 times. Just sayin. Yet at the same time, so secretive my life has been. I can't tell people what I want to tell them. Some, because I've been sworn to secrecy because of their own agenda. Others, because it could hinder, or at worst; destroy our mission in helping veterans. Tho everyone knows... there's nothing worse than a pissed off veteran.

Despite everything, I still firmly believe that there is a reason for everything. I know theres a reason that bullet just missed my head. I know theres a reason I came home. I know theres a reason I ended up in California. It's just putting it all together thats quite a bit of a task. Connecting the dots, if you will. So, hopefully all goes as smooth as possible. Cross your fingers.