I can't trust anyone, but in my defense, its hard to do that when they give you every reason to not trust them. Secret texting and messaging. Secret phone calls. I'd check to verify, but am afraid of what i'll find. So I live angry at myself, and in denial that it can't be happening to me... again. Flirting with every girl. Calling them all beautiful but the one they're supposed to be dating.. and in love with. No wonder i feel used.
When do I get to be happy? When is it gonna be MY turn? I've been walked all over my whole life. Simply because I gave them a chance and I end up powerless and weak in the end. I just pick up the pieces of my broken heart up off the floor and throw them in my trunk.. and off i go. Hoping to find peace and stability. Then get walked all over again. Words mean nothing to me anymore. I'm a broken mess and no one seems to truly care but me.
I'm tired of hearing lies and empty words. I just want the truth. When are guys gonna learn that we'd rather you admit that you dont love us, so we can move on and find someone who does. When are guys gonna realize that we love being told we're beautiful, yet they never say it unless they're not dating you. Maybe I just have bad luck with guys...maybe i'm just ugly. Maybe its all because i'm stupid and gullible... and easy to fool. How can I be confident, when you're tone and words make me feel like shit? How can I have self esteem when you tell everyone but me how beautiful they are... and that they should come tuck you in... Yes I seen that text. And let me tell you, it took all i had to not cut that bitch from vag to voicebox. Everyone thinks i'm stupid..
Newsflash guys. I WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING LYING. So stop.
I don't like being silenced. Or told to not talk about stuff on FB. Who am I supposed to talk to? All i have these days is my phone and my computer. Too much going on around me. So why do I feel so isolated? I can see it now. I'll get chewed out for posting this. Like I do for everything. No one wants to hear how I feel. Its been like that for years. People just ask, why I keep trying to get attention. Trust me. If i really wanted attention, i'd become a hooker.
I'm not sure how much longer I can go on living this way. At the end of the day, I dont feel like I made a difference. I feel like there's something i'm not being told. But i'm too afraid to bring it up. Because, right now... without this... i have nothing. No one to even pretend they give a shit.
I'm not suicidal. I just need someone to talk to. That wants to listen and cares how I feel. Someone I can sit down face to face with and just talk. Every time i've tried to do that in the last few months, I get cut off or just get the reponse, "Ok?" Further proof that I'm solo on this mission against PTSD. People around me know about it... some have it. So why stir the pot when you know what my response is gonna be? If you know I've had no treatment and tend to get pissed off easily... theres an easy solution for that. Stop pissing me off. Stop talking to me like a fuckin piece of shit subordinate. Talk to me like a human. We're all broken. Theres no reason to get cocky. I feel like shit everyday as it is. Raising your voice will not help. And talking to me like I"m stupid? Makes me feel like shit even more. The only escape I have is music. Music doesn't yell at me. Music doesn't bitch me out for having an opinion. Music doesn't throw a fit when I use the first amendment that I mother fuckin fought for. Music is just... music.
I need a new life. One without criticism. One without lies. One without secret girlfriends. I want to be happy... to someday be a mom... to not be in pain. But I've been dealt different cards. To be unhappy, unable to have kids, miserable, constantly in pain, constantly alone, always on guard, always afraid, and never happy with where I am. My life's been torn apart by the parasites that I let in. And now theres nothing left for me to give. My soul has been burned. My heart has been destroyed. My will to go on... died a long time ago.
I need a new life. One without criticism. One without lies. One without secret girlfriends. I want to be happy... to someday be a mom... to not be in pain. But I've been dealt different cards. To be unhappy, unable to have kids, miserable, constantly in pain, constantly alone, always on guard, always afraid, and never happy with where I am. My life's been torn apart by the parasites that I let in. And now theres nothing left for me to give. My soul has been burned. My heart has been destroyed. My will to go on... died a long time ago.
