Everyone hits bottom at some point in their life for their own reasons. Being a war veteran makes that rapid approach quicker and more frequent. It's not easy for us to explain exactly how we hit so fast, we just know we did and not always at first. We fight with our own psyche trying to understand what exactly pushed is on this path of self destruction. We tend to blame ourselves for our shortcomings, when it is all based on the trauma or fear of combat. We start to isolate ourselves because we don't know what else to do. We become ghosts.
We got to war to fight for our country, its values and Americans as a whole; and what do we get when we get back? Abandonment and neglect from the same people that sent us to war, and those who's JOB it is to take care of us upon our return. This is not happening. It's an epidemic in this country of great proportions. Our Veterans are being left behind and forgotten. I know for sure that OIF/OEF vets are NOT having it. We're a whole different breed. While we struggle with our wounds, visible & invisible, we still fight...for our benefits. We shouldn't' have to, but what choice do we have? We're not the type to back down. We watched what happened to the Vietnam vets and we're sure as hell not going to give in. We were blamed for the economy because we 'cost too much'. Here's an idea. Stop sending us to war... or at least one war at a time. It's their OWN fault we are in two wars at once. Not ours.
Heart break could definitely be a factor in the severity. I lost how many times I've been walked on, used, ignored, pushed away and forgotten. My heart is currently being held together with tape. Wonder how long it'll hold... I'm actually jealous of all those like me with someone that supports them 100% no matter what. Who has the foundation of a relationship. I'm jealous of THAT. And nothing more. In this sense, friends, family and acquaintances do not count. Two marriages, two divorces and a long road to travel.
I wish I could smile more. I wish I knew how. I'm somewhat expressionless at times. It's like attending a comedy show alone. You wanna laugh, but not by yourself. So, it becomes depressing, boring and isolated. That's when it all starts flooding in at once. Why am I alone? How am I NOT laughing? What the hell is wrong with me? What happened to me? Do I even have any real friends? Am I THAT unlovable? Am I hideous or something? The list goes on an on. And everyone's is the same, yet so very different depending on their level of trauma.
PTSD is a beast to endure. Different things work for different people to help come to terms with what you went through, but it never fully goes away. It can come back full-steam at any time for any reason and there is NOTHING you can do about it. That's the one thing that all veterans understand once they realize what is wrong. Ask any older veteran, like Vietnam, and they'll tell you the same. It never goes away. It stays with you for life. Mix a TBI with that, and you have even more problems. More severe memory loss, loss of balance, migraines, etc etc. It never ends. Its finding a way to deal with it all. Some never do. So far I haven't. Let me explain further.
I feel alone and invisible. Like a ghost. I spend a lot of time talking to myself, instead of talking to others. Even tho I know, at any time, I could pick up a phone and call a friend. But this isn't a game show. Phone a friend isn't always easy. Sometimes when I DO call, no one answers. So, the feeling of being alone is worse. I know I'm not alone, but that's how it feels. The feeling of being unwanted, unloved and forgotten tears a whole the souls of anyone, especially a veteran who NEEDS that should to cry on. As I sit here, drowning my life in music, I feel that way. Is it true? I have no idea. But what can I do? There's always the fear of trying to start up a conversation if you're not sure they even care what you say or want to hear you talk. So, I haven't been really talking. Just keeping to myself because it's safer. I have finally come full circle in this life. I am a ghost in my world. And it sure is dark here.
