Polytrauma Appt & W.R.I.I.S.C.

So, I had an appointment with the Polytrauma Team in Palo Alto. They are the shit. The secretary chic physically calls patients the day before their appointment. Never had that happen before. The doc I had, Dr Huang, listening very carefully to everything we said. This guy thanked me for my cooperation since its so hard us to do these appts. Never had that happen before either.

He asked when and what I remember, the length of my memory loss, asked me the 'remember 3 things' crap, which I failed.. over "green pen". Couldn't remember what day or day of the week it was, but got the month and year right.. Go me. haha He checked my balance with was BAD. All in all, great appointment. I got a an MRI scheduled but I need to reschedule it. I can't make another trip to Palo Alto this week. I'm not even goin to PTSD treatment tomorrow cuz of it. lol

Early next year I will also be going through the W.R.I.I.S.C. program. Trying to take care of my TBI stuff at the same time so I don't have to deal with it in a million visits. I got a feeling I'll be down there alone tho. Which sucks, but its whatever. I have a computer haha

Instead....

If left alone, PTSD and TBI can drastically and negatively affect your life in immense waves. Mine's being treated, but it's the holidays. That means a lot of depressed veterans and troops.  Including yours truly. 

My life is always changing. You'd think that would be  normal, but it's a level and speed of change that is just unreal. I can't even keep up with my own life, because I never know what's going on. I got a real good grip on it today and it occurred to me that I'm used to it. No one should get used to being miserable. Apparently over the years, I've given up hope. What's the point? The end is always the same.

It's easier for me to go through life pretty low key. I keep to myself a lot anyways now. Not even on purpose. I just have no one here to have a 'one-on-one' chit-chat with. Funny how isolated you can feel even when you're not actually alone.

I just wanted a normal life. The house, the husband, the kids, the pets.... ya know. Like basically everyone else I know. Instead I have a moon chair and a car that was nicknamed 'the great pumpkin'. Instead I can't even have kids, let alone maintain any kind of relationship. Instead, I sit here and wonder why I even bother. Instead, the only pet I own is an IPod touch. Instead, I have full storage and have nowhere to put anything I own. Instead, I never want to celebrate another holiday as long as I live.

Nothing is how it's supposed to be. Of course, we're pretty resilient. So, I just go with it a lot. Unfortunately, it's done nothing but lead me in circles. Its hard to give a shit when you know you're being used. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks. 

Cutting losses

Today I am cutting losses. Respect is EARNED...not given. Demanding it never worked for anyone. And I refused to be treated like shit just because someone doesn't get their way. Grow up.

On finding my ACUs

I went to storage today to get the base of my 42" flat screen LCD tv. The admiral was nice enough to snag it for me from storage earlier cuz it's pretty heavy. When I seen the unpacked box sitting on the floor, I thought "How much you wanna bet the base isn't even in there.." And it wasn't. So there I was, digging through the chaos in the dark with a flashlight. I found the base, but I also found a full set of ACUs. Including the boots, socks and my beret. When I got home, I put on them on. I miss wearing them actually. Nadia promoted me to SGT in the kitchen since I never got an actual promotion. (Thats what happens when your senior enlisted and the Dept of the Army are at odds as to weather or not you should get promoted. haha I won. ) I sat outside bullshitting for a while, just comfy as can be. I didn't even fix the TV til way after I got home. lol Sad. But I do miss wearing them. Crazy, but I miss the Army.