Baghdad ER and my "tailspin"

So, I got it because I kept telling myself I had to see it. But hindsite is 20/20. I should never of turned it on. I'm expecting a bad night alone. Seeing and hearing all of it.. the bodies, the blood, the explosions. This was a very bad idea. It makes you think. "Man Lori. That could of been you." I realize how much I hate this war. How much I'm tired of losing guys to this shit. It makes me cry. From a person who never cried, to a person who just can't stop.

"We don't want you to go. We want you to fight. But if you can't, its ok to go. Its ok to go."

I hate it. Why am I watching this? I LOST it.

I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea. I just watched the life leave his body. Even on film and not being there, knowing he was one of ours... it kills me. I mean, our guys get hit so hard, and fight so hard to live, and they just... don't. I don't where all this is coming from. It started this morning. Maybe its the lack of sleep. Seeing as I haven't slept in goin on 2 days. I just can't do it.

And as I'm writing this, I get a phone call from a Marine thinking I was Jess. And sounded pissed off he got me instead. FML. I'm useless. I can't help anyone. Today is just a bad day for me. I"m sorry for all this. I need to get out of here. Before i pull a disappearing act. Wish I knew what to say to people. I just don't. I can't be helping people anyways right now. Not in my condition. Not without someone here to talk to,. I'm always alone. A face to face would be nice. But i got a cat who stares at me and a dog who just wants to be annoying.

So what do i do? How can i help people when I need the help too? When people would rather talk to someone else. I think I'm the one who needs a battle buddy.