Knowing

In a matter of weeks my life will be completely different. Adjusting to the west coast again. Getting help for myself is imperative, but other things come first. Other people come first. Because this is life or death. I wish I knew how to put things into words better right now, I just don't.

I hate to think the way I am right now. But the inevitable... its gonna happen whether we're prepared or not. Watching someone die was never on my list of things I was prepared to do. But who is? Either way. its the right thing to do. I know it is. Just sucks that it has to happen this way.

I survive the way I do, because of music and allowing myself to break when I feel I need to. Of course there was a time when no one knew it . I was so secretive about it. I was afraid to show weakness. I've definitely moved past that.

I'm just as strong as I was, but we all have a breaking point. I'm pretty sure i'll be ok as far as total breakdowns are concerned. But i have been broken easier these days. Reality is a shitty thing. You realize all the stuff goin on around you, and just like in iraq, know there isn't a damn thing you can do about it but survive it.

I tend to try to keep to myself when i'm having bad days. Only because I dont want to bring people down with me. But we all need someone to talk to . Cali is good for me. I almost packed up my car and left today lol but yea. Can't leave quite yet.