Facing the Storm

I have to mentally prepare myself for this new life. This lonely life. With memories of war and chaos, and loud noises that stop me in my tracks. I have to heal in order to help others. But helping others is what heals me. I'm in for a long road trip straight to my own hell. Unpredictable. And thats putting it nicely. I'm not up to see many people. I just wanna be alone. Yet I hate being alone. I'm just so messed up I think. I need to get to the VA and see if i'm one of the few ppl they'll help. Cuz I def. need it.

Instead of moving forward where I can see clearly, I move towards a challenge. Facing the storm. But what am I proving? That i'll always be dumb ass? That all always end up where I am right now? Alone and confused. I'm damaged goods. No one wants to deal with that...not really. Some say its not a problem, then a few months down the road they act like they didn't know. Guess its the price we pay in our lifelong effort to find someone who will understand you, love you and not throw everything in your face. But the disappointment grows when you keep getting thrown to the ground. It gets harder and harder to get back up and shrug it off.

I'm not supposed to have feelings. I'm supposed to suck it up, soldier on and fight the good fight. But what if i just don't have it in me anymore? What if i'm at a place in my life now that, i just don't give a shit anymore. Feelings I can push aside long enough to help someone who needs it. Then back to me. My broken heart, and soul... the one no one really sees.. or even cares about. I'm just a pon in this life. One that very few understand... or take the time to understand. Left to suffer silently.

I just wanna run, and never look back. No ties to the old life. Just leave without saying goodbye. I'll just be someone you all knew. Is it better that way? I have no idea. But its been on my mind for a long time. The only problem is... i can't run away from myself and who i am. So doing it might be pointless. But in my twisted mind, this is the only way for my heart to heal... for my soul to heal....