Then theres the fact that my life is fuckin chaos right now. I'm so messed up. I dont cry... ever... I didn't even cry when i punched a cement brick and damn near broke my hand... but lately.. thats all do. I'm so frustrated, so confused, so helpless. I hate everything about today. Today was stupid. All i managed to get done was get a new license, that i look HORRIBLE in. The rest of the day was horrible. And i knew it would be.
I just want to die. I have no reason to be here. I really thought I did, but I just can't shake the feeling that i'm nothing. I watch all these ppl with their kids, and families... and i'm sitting in my dads house at 27... with nothing but a computer. My only outlet. TRYING to be quiet because they're asleep downstairs.
I have nothing to live for. the main reason i came back was to help nick, and i can't even do that. every single idea is shot down. i have no family of my own. i have no animals. i have me. and this computer...everyone i talk to is on facebook. what does that say about me? that i have no life. that i have nothing. i tried to keep myself busy. i thought that would help. it didn't. i'm still just as fucked up as i was. i even posted blogs on facebook, hoping someone could read through the lines and be like 'hey, somethings not right.' but no. just business as usual.
i dont care who my shit goes to. i have a whole bunch of shit that needs picked up at walmart. and entire bedroom set. you can toss all my shit. i don't care either way.
My name is Susan, and I want to say that in many ways I understand you. I am a veteran, but not OIF/OEF like you. Thank you for your Service, and I am so sorry that coming home is so different now for you.
ReplyDeleteAre you tired? To me, it looks like you have had your brain on overload, and could use a long vacation where everything is done for you, and your job is to lay in a hammock and just be there, while people bring you fresh juice and take care of everything while you look at a beautiful view.
I have struggled with depression for a long time. My family was dysfunctional - I had to cut them off to keep what little sanity I had left. I ended up "creating a new family" with healthy, caring people. I wish it was easier for you, for me, for all women veterans - it just takes time, and is Not Fair.
Sometimes having a computer and "friends" on facebook can be better than having people who don't "get it."
Having someone you know say "get a job and you will feel better" is nearly the worst thing they can say. A job will not change your feelings and the way you see the world. Women who understand depression and have gone through treatment to "the other side" like myself, and many of the women veterans I am around have done the work to feel better and know that we cannot make any sense out of our lives and how we got there, but we can have a new focus.
My focus is Not to tell you what to do or how to feel. Your feelings are yours, and you have every right to them.
I stopped by to say You matter, I can feel that you are in pain, I am sorry that you were put into this situation, and if you want, I will offer my support and guidance.
If you don't want to, I understand. I am on facebook - check out my profile and decide.
My life is dedicated to women veterans like yourself. Because I "get it."
I invite you to come into our group, just as you are - angry, confused, crying and feeling bad, and share your life with us.
Just think about it. No pressure.
Hello! I came across your blog this morning by chance, I'm grateful I did.
ReplyDeleteI have a husband and a brother in law who both suffer from PTSD. I can relate to what you are going through. Don't EVER give up! You may have some really rotten days - but those will pass!
My brother in law, Jared Reilly was in the Marines during the fight all the way up to Baghdad, he drove the tank that tore down the statue of Saddam. He has seen and done things that no one else will understand. He got married when he came back from war and is now currently getting divorced as well. He suffers from PTSD and has finally sought counseling, it is really starting to help. My husband and myself have encouraged him to take care of himself and he is doing better because he has someone he can talk to who can help him deal with his PTSD and help him heal.
My husband suffers from it and I've seen how it has changed him. He hasn't been to war, but was diagnosed with it after his leg was broken during a Co-Ed soccer game. We were both playing that night and I will never forget the sound of his leg breaking. The goalie never once said he was sorry and was allowed to continue to play even after we left in an ambulance. I saw my husband go from being the social butterfly to someone that couldn't be around people at all. He had his safe spot in the house and I worried about him night and day.
Lori, I can tell you what has gotten both my husband and myself through all of this - our belief in God. I found myself on my knees many times crying and pleading with the lord to help my husband heal. We would pray together too. The lord will put people in your life to help you.
My brother in law couldn't handle being around his stepkids and would sleep in their trailer at night instead of the house - it became his safe zone. He now understands exactly what he is going through and why. He could still use someone else who has been to war to talk to - we cannot relate to him when it comes to those experiences. My husband does try the best he can to listen and understand. It would really help him at this time to have someone else to talk to. I've never come across anyone I could ask until now.
Lori, I am here as a friend and here as someone that cares. Your PTSD will get better, you need to give yourself a break, open up to those who are around you every day and talk about your pain. You cannot keep it in inside of you, it will fester and eventually come out in torrents, as it did with my husband. But you still need to let it out so you can heal.
God is watching over you and will never leave you, I can say that with absolute certainty. Prayer can be a source of comfort and strength. Talking to a pastor or minister will also really help. Reading your bible will help as well. This advice may not seem to be that helpful - but it is what got my husband and I through some of his darkest hours.
I would like you to find me on facebook so we can continue to talk. I'm under Nikki Karsten Reilly. My brother in law, Jared Reilly is also on my friends list. He could really use some friends as well - he doesn't talk to any of his guy friends about any of this, they don't understand. And believe me, you being a female is a huge plus, I'm sure he would love to talk to you. Send him a message after you find me on FB, you can tell him whatever you would like about me blabbing about him on here. He won't care, he's a great guy.
Lori - keep your chin up - it will and can get better if you will do those things that will help you out and give yourself a break. I understand how it can affect someone, I've seen it. I've also seen it get better and the healing begin.
God can and will work miracles. I want you to hold onto that.
If I could hold you in my arms and tell you everything is going to be ok, I would.
Because it will.
Here is my e-mail address - lets continue to talk and chat: nreilly@ncyathletics.org
Find me on FB too!!
Nikki Karsten Reilly
Lori, you 're doing the right thing in coming back and trying to do what you can for Nick. It's not uncommon for good ideas to get shot down in the process of trying to make actual progress, but you don't quit. It's those who persevere who win out in the end and if you let all the wrong people dictate what happens next, everyone suffers for it.
ReplyDeleteI was in a similar situation when I got back as well. My former fiance stole almost all the money I made in Iraq and saying I had a really bad deployment is no doubt an understatement. I was at my parents house thinking that everything I did was unappreciated and meant nothing to the general public which I began to despise immediately upon my return. There aren't a lot of people who can relate to what you're going through, but the important thing is is that we're here and we want to be here for you. Despite a lot of what I tried, everything did feel hopeless and I started to think the worst. It was only when I stopped listening to that negative internal voice that was dragging me down into an abyss that I started to change the game and turned things around. I managed to get a lot together, despite several pleas for help to several organizations directly (no one listened or bothered to respond with anything aside from donation requests), and I did that all on my own. You don't have to do it alone. What do you want to get accomplished? What would it take to make you stay? Think about it. What would it take? You have me and several other people out here who are more than willing to help you out of this rough period. I know it's difficult and everyone deals with everything differently, especially knowing that you've had a heavy burden to carry since you've redeployed, but you can get past this. And you can contact me for the specifics. I want to know all that you want to get done to keep on living.
I don't know what it feels like to be you. I'm not a veteran, but I have many friends who are. Please know that you are appreciated beyond my ability to express to you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel all alone in this world, and then to top it off, not having a family that is supportive and loving the way you deserve.
ReplyDeleteWe need you here. We need you. Please stay strong...because you are loved.
Lori, I will not pretend to know you or to tell you what to do or how to feel. But, I do want you to know that this random stranger is thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI have not been to war. Heck, I haven't even been in the military, though I was one final step from joining when was in college. I will not feign to understand what you are going through in that aspect, at least not from personal experience. However, I can understand from another angle. I am a graduate student who is researching the combat experiences of soldiers... and I am regularly hearing about the difficulties of returning from war. You are not alone, even though it may seem like it at times. I know that you know that... but I also know it's easy to forget that at the loneliest hour.
I have been sexually abused, multiple times, and though I have dealt with it the best way that I can, I had to do it alone... in silence. I understand that all to well. I can also understand how the system that is supposed to help and protect you is imperfect or just plain shitty.
I understand about the dysfunctional families. I know how unhelpful they can be at the worst times of our lives. The best way to deal with them, as Susan mentioned, is to distance yourself from them. There are others in your life who love and appreciate you. Facebook may seem pathetic as your only social outlet, but it's not. Let me tell you: it's my BEST social outlet. Sometimes those who are physically around are NOT the best company, while the friends who are far away can be. It's therapeutic to just get your thoughts out into a world where your friends can help if help is needed, and where they can celebrate with you when you are happy.
I have been divorced. I know the utter feeling of loneliness that comes with it. I understand the feeling of failure, even if you had less to do with the problem than your spouse. I had two dogs at that time, and thought it was better than nothing, they could not replace the support and comfort of friends. Actually, THAT'S when I created my Facebook account.
Helping others, like Nick, is giving you a purpose in life that you recognize amidst the chaos. Continue focusing on that. As I read your blog, I did not once perceive you as a failure. Even through the pain and anger that you express at times, I picked up more important things about your character: you are sympathetic towards Vets, you do things for others, and you have an amazing talent for writing! (not to mention that you are beautiful)
Keep your spirits high, girl! You are a valuable human being and we want you to heal and be truly happy again. *Hugs*
Margie Serrato
Lori, I, too, am a vet. I served many years ago as an MP in a time where female MPs were rare. I wasn't deployed and never fought in a war; my PTSD came from fighting a battle while at my permanent duty stations, trying to be taken seriously as a police officer for Uncle Sam. For 6 months, I was the only female in my company. The harassment, the threats, the near sexual assaults were constant - anything to get me to quit. I don't know where I pulled the strength from but I didn't quit. I held up in front of them but when I was alone in my barracks room, I constantly wondered why I was here, why I'd been given this test and wouldn't it be easier just to quit. And I don't mean just quit being an MP, either.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with a mother similar to yours. Nothing I ever did was right. Ever. No matter how much effort I put into a task or project, it was never right or good enough. She was always disappointed in me, regardless of how I tried to please her. I lived in the shadow of a "perfect" brother who couldn't do anything wrong. He took after her side of the family in every way so he was perfect. I took after my (absentee) father's side so I was a slob and stupid. I had no self-esteem and constantly had to hear about how popular she was in high school and how many dates she always had and how beautiful she was (unfortunately, that was true) and it was a shame I didn't resemble her. Anyway, I think you know what I mean.
I have suffered through one rape and one sexual battery. I have lost a son who was 9 when he died. You never get over those things. You get through them. You can get through this.
Lori - it's been 30 years since my military days. I'm still here. I have a great life. I never would have thought it was possible with the shit I went through and what I had to put up with growing up. I realized later on that my mother was very damaged but hurting, too. I became her target because of her insecurities. My father hurt her and because I was "like him," she took it out on me. Also, I discovered that mental illness runs on her side of the family (two of her six sisters committed suicide) so a lot of the things she said and did, she couldn't help. It certainly didn't make them hurt any less, though. Even today, knowing what I know, her words and actions still wound. I don't condone her treatment but at least now I understand it.
I know what it's like to feel like nothing and like IF you matter at all, it isn't to very many people. I don't have a crystal ball and I cannot tell you that life will get any better. BUT I do know that your current situation will pass.
Lori, you are a beautiful girl and I am sure you have a life ahead of you. Your eyes still very much have life in them: you feel hopeless but you really don't want to die. There is still too much for you to do in this life yet. Suicide is not the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You cannot take it back once it is done. You have choices. Please don't choose death.
I am now an author and a filmmaker. I have used my experiences to write some very disturbing stories that have kept readers quite intrigued and do you know why? Because they identify with the main characters.
Get creative. Do you write? Poetry? Song lyrics? You blog, so anything is possible. Do you draw? Write a graphic novel based on your experiences. You may think no one wants to read what you write but you'd be amazed at how many people think like you. Twenty years after I did the old Echo Tango Suitcase, I wrote a fiction novel about my military experiences and I'm still getting fan mail from women (especially) who say, "OMG, I felt the same way!" or "I went through that, too." You have an amazing outlet with your computer, use it to your advantage.
I so hope you change your mind, Lori.
D
Michele Wilmot is worried about you, and now I am, too.
ReplyDeleteSo who am I? I'm Greg, a veteran of Iraq (2004-'05) and Afghanistan (2008). I'm a combat medic in the National Guard and I'm 47 years old. I've seen a lot of dysfunctional families and people, and I've been one myself.
Life lesson #1: Things change. Yes, they can change and get worse, but they can change and get better, too. The fact that you don't see it or can't imagine it doesn't mean that it can't happen. Life and the universe don't have to conform to your imagination. Stick around and see what happens next.
Chaos comes and goes.
Life lesson #2: Don't punch things harder than your own bones. I badly broke the fifth metacarpal of my right hand - that's the one between the wrist and the pinky - by punching a metal sign at Fort Dix. The sign didn't suffer, but that bone healed very bent out of shape. If you ever meet me in person, I can show you.
More: YOU are NOT your mother. If she is a psycho - and I will take your word for it - that doesn't mean that YOU are, or that you have to be.
I need to get off this computer soon, so I can't go on right now. (That might be a good thing.) If I can, I'll write to you again later. In the meantime, take care of YOURSELF. Stay alive to see what happens next. Get help if you need it, and know always that there are veterans all over America who are on your side.
ps: I'm on Facebook, too. You can write to me there, if you'd like.
ReplyDeleteI. Understand.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't mean that as a ploy of sympathy but as a fellow female veteran who served in Iraq in 2003.
Deep breath.
I've felt your pain, I've cried your tears and I've spun my head around trying to conquer that feeling of hopelessness.
And sometimes I still get dizzy but I keep trying.
There are no words I can say to you to make this thing any better for you other than telling you like all your fellow comrads...
We're here. I'm here.
Readjustment back to a society that can't even fathom what you've seen can feel so lonely.
I know that feeling, the panic attacks, the quick reactions and adreneline rush at loud noises, and so forth.
In my experience to "getting on with life" I won't lie to you and tell you that it goes away. You said it better than me that war is something that is always with you.
So let's turn this thing around...
I feel like you've already found a spark that your heart is in that you're perfect for.
Your service in the community to veterans is the perfect place. Especially us OIF soliders. I'm so proud of you for that. If I were in your city I'd come running to you. We war vets need each other to bring us through the war at home that same way we needed each other in those battles.
My heart is open for you and my hand is extended outward to you to pull my sister up from the ground. And if she can't walk, then I'm gonna use that hidden strength to get us somewhere safe.
I'M NOT LEAVING HER. NOT AN OPTION.
Don't give up on yourself.
The road is bumpy and wild but not something that we all haven't went down.
You may get lonely or wanna lash out, well our duty is to listen. To support. We have your back and will never turn ours on yours. We can't. Its embedded in us to NEVER leave a battle buddy.
So, Lori...
We're not leaving you.
Hey Lori,
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry you're having a hard time. There are a lot of people going thru this. You don't have to feel alone. I don't have any family either, but we are connected thru our trials. Lets chat on facebook. Who needs real life? Start playing WoW it will give you something to look forward too=!
Lori
ReplyDeleteI am a 100% service connected Vietnam Veteran who served as a combat medic...I served in 1968-1969 with a Recon Platoon in the Delta. For many years I thought I was going crazy, got fired from several jobs because of anger issues, still could not control the flashbacks or waking up screaming...I felt like I was abandoned by everyone and nothing was important anymore...I found that if I worked my mind would be focused on something else but as soon as i stopped then the crap would start over again...the VA did nothing for over 30 years to help me...finally they did...I was at my last straw and wanted to just get away from the pain and the suidice thoughts...I medicated myself but things just got worst with those issues...dealing with the law...finally the way I found relieve was to do what you are doing is pouring out my heart and bearing my soul by writing and found much healing there...My PTSD has not gone away but I learned over a very long period of time to focus on others and try to help others. I wrote a book of my writings as a medic but found my wounds didn't heal completely (the bandaides kept coming off). At times I still search for the medic who will make me whole.
I am not going to give you advise as I learned that advise not asked for is not well received...just know that many of us know where you are and know what goes on in our hearts and minds...we do understand and feel the pain as you express your feelings and frustrations and questions of is it really worth it to go on...I don't have the answer to that question...all I know that I found reasons to hang around and those will come for you...you are worth the effort to find healing, you are the Lioness who faces lifes battles but just know that you are not alone, we all know...deep down...and that is mostly what we seek is understanding, a touch on the hand or the heart to hear someone say you are loved and cared for, you are important. Go to the following website and you will find my writings about being a medic in Vietnam and dealing with PTSD when I came home... http://www.kerrypardue247.com/index.html
Doc Pardue
kerrypardue247@yahoo.com
Lori, I am also a female veteran that served in Iraq. I felt a lot of the same ways that you do now. I became addicted to painkillers as a way to self-medicate and called doctors over and over to help me. It felt like I was screaming into a black hole and no one was listening. I don't know what I can say to you to make you stay. I know personally the limits of how depression/PTSD and can take one down quick and most civilians will never understand how dark we can get and how violent our thoughts. I am here for you and can say I went through a lot of what you did. Not all, but I can definately relate to a lot of it. I live alone and have a dog to keep me company and facebook in many ways has been my only bridge to the outside world. Comfortable enough that they are not inside my head and I can unplug anytime they want (can't do that with a dysfunctional family in person). Here's my phone number if you ever want to talk, or cry or not cry. Angie Peacock 636-345-0769.
ReplyDeleteBottom line, female combat veterans are probably the only people who have anything of value to say to you that understand what the hell you are talking about and how you feel. So please use us.
How about getting out in the woods for a summer with some other vets performing conservation work in the Rocky Mountains?
ReplyDeleteI work for Veterans Green Jobs and we are putting together all veteran crews to work in the back country, camping for days at a time, doing hard work, and sharing the whole experience with other vets.
We need good strong women to fill up our coed crews.
hit me up at vets@veteransgreenjobs.org if your interested.
Its hard work, low pay, and miserable conditions, but it is the best time vets have had since returning home
Garett
Hi, Lori; I'm Jennifer.
ReplyDeleteAs you can see by the posts, lots of people care!
I am a GW vet and like others, do not pretend to know exactly what you are going through. Still, I have experience with some of the things you mentioned (PTSD, etc.) and am here to tell you that it does get better with time and help. Please know that you are important and that there is help available; Just please don't give up. We are with you, comrade.