Head Rush

So, things are the same as usual. The VA sucks. I can barely get out of bed. I'm lonely, so the depression stemming from the PTSD is worse. I just feel so alone all the time. The people I live with barely talk to me. I'm like a ghost. I miss the days when I had someone to talk to all the time. When I had someone to hang out with on the weekends, even it included getting drunk, because I trusted those around me and actually enjoyed myself. But now I'm a civilian, and have no one to talk to. Sure, I have people's phone #s, but no one ever answers the phone these days. Even my parents. So, I literally sit on the computer...typing away... talking about nothing just to pass the time. The only conversations I have is when I get volunteered to do stuff I really don't wanna do. That happens more often than I'd like. It's like being active duty again.

I spend more time wishing my life would be different than anything else. It's like I'm a burden unless someone wants something. And that is a horrible feeling. To know no one really wants you around, but you're useful to them for one reason or another. Whether it be the use of your car, or to do stuff they don't wanna do. It's all the same. I thought moving would help me. And it has in very small ways, but for the most part it hasn't. I'm still lonely. I still feel abandoned. I don't think it would of mattered where I went. The outcome would of always been the same. I'd still feel like an outsider with no one to turn to. I'd still feel like I had no one to turn to when I needed someone to be there. It'd all be the same. So, I guess it wouldn't matter. Its sad that I know that the outcome would be the same, but its the truth.

So, for now I do what I can. Which isn't much. I still have no income and am severely behind on bills. So bad, that its greatly affected my credit.. which used to be really good. And of course the VA doesn't give a shit. I have to rely on someone else to put gas in my car so they use my car more than I do. Actually they don't even ask anymore. They claim its 'our' car. Really? Is that why I pay the car payment AND the insurance? Must be. I'm a little bitter about people claiming the only thing I have left to call my own is a shared object. But its whatever. I never say anything because at least they put gas in the car.

There's so much goin through my head. The black onyx stopped that for a while, but it all came to a head. It's all too obvious now. I just wish my life made more sense. Nothing in my life makes sense. I'm never sure if I'm happy the way it is or not, because its never the same. Its always some other bullshit every day. Just when I think I'm ok, my life falls apart again. I'm not sure how much longer I can pick up the pieces and rebuild. I just hope I continue to have the strength and willpower to do so.