Falling Away

Another day has come and gone, and my sleeping problems remain. The physical and mental pain is exhausting. But I remain. Barely making it from day to day. But I have to make it. There is no fail. So, I have to fix myself. I'll figure all this out someday. But for now, i just have to power through it.

Tryin to get all my shit straight. Its hard. I can't even place my words right now. All I know is that more friends are goin back to combat or already there. I got so much going on, but at the same time nothing. I'm numb most of the time, because I can't afford to let myself go. But then I become vulnerable to even more severe panic attacks. I try to keep myself busy. But i'm so worried about what will happen. Not just to me, but to ppl i know. I just wish i knew how to fix everything. Just thinking about a bad outcome shoots my anxiety way up. And I worry how my friends are REALLY doing. How the war effects them. Are they like me? Do they have that same constant fear?

Then on top of that, I have everything else. The impending doom that is my so called love life, the fibromyalgia... my future, if there is one. I made it through so much, but iraq broke me. And now i'm trying to recover. The war will never leave me.. it just doesn't. I just wanna be able to live again. To be happy for once. But i have my doubts. Being a hopeless romantic and being alone is just a horrible combination. I thought i was doing ok. I guess I was way off. I'm just too broken to be happy i guess. Man, how i wish it was different. I just hope the skies clear for me soon on one of them. I could really use the break in disappointment and devastation.

Still Broken

I'm broken. A lost soul. A broken soul with a broken heart. I try so hard to help others, when I can't even help myself. I'm so torn. Torn apart by war. Torn apart by everything. When will I heal? Can I heal? I just want to help. I just want to fix everything. But I can't.

My life is so confusing. I think, maybe if I'm gone, everything will be right again. Then I see my tat...with the tag... and remember why I'm doing all this. Its about what we earned and aren't getting. Its about what we all lost and will never get back. Its about what we all want... forgiveness, respect and compassion. We just want people to understand. We're not the same. We'll NEVER be the same. We become angry, short-tempered, confused, depressed, lost, broken... just gone. We need patience and understanding. We need love from those that care. We want everyone to know we're sorry. That we're forgetful and need to be reminded a lot. That we have SO much on our mind and don't mean to be careless. That we don't mean any harm...that we really can't help it. We want forgiveness for not coming back the same. We just want to be loved again.

There are days when I just wish I died in Iraq. That I just never came home. But we all feel that way at some point. I just wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I knew how to fix myself. But I don't. I need Valley Forge to open soon. I need to get away and help myself. We all need to get away. But I just hope that people don't expect too much of me. I hope people understand, that I'm only trying to help. And that I don't mean to make anyone mad. I just really wanna fix what the Army and VA failed to do. There's so many of us fighting. So many of us that are tired of veterans being shit on and tossed aside like we're nothing. We DO matter. And we will do everything we can to stop this chaos. We WILL fight until we can no longer fight. It's in our nature. Its who we are. But just because we are fighters, doesn't mean we don't break. Because as you have all seen, we do. And when we do, it is BAD. We don't just break a little. We break completely. We try to keep it together. Because we have to. Because in battle, if we break, someone can die. And we can't afford to be the reason for another's death. So we keep fighting. And we keeping holding it in. Then one day, we snap. Because we can't do it anymore. All the training comes back. All the memories return. The nightmares become worse. And we can't remember anything. It doesn't become that extreme for everyone. But to those that endure such a tragic break, we are tossed aside. Like WE are to blame. Like we MEANT for it to happen. Like we planned it all along.

It's sad. To see that so many pretend to understand. That will turn their back on us when we need it the most. And thats when the rest of us step in. To counter that weight. To show each other that we understand and that war does incredible things to the mind. And to show those that have never been to war...that are quick to blame a combat veteran... that we are not the same. That war HAS changed us. And we will keep doing so until some politician steps in and helps us win this fight against the system. Of all people, combat veterans deserve a second chance. We deserve treatment. We deserve so much that we're not getting.

Every veteran is like family. Because we all endured war. We all understand what it can do. And since I'm involved in 2 different organizations; my own (Nick Horner Foundation) and an advisor for OIF Veteran Community; I must carry on. I HAVE to. No matter how low and destructive I feel, I have to go on. I have to keep fighting. Because we deserve to be respected and cared for.

But at the same time, I need to be able to heal and express myself. I need to be able to vent. I need to allow my self to be loved again by someone who deserves my love in return, and understands my torment. I have to give it a chance. I have to wait until it shows up at my door.

I am surely broken. But I must heal. Someday I will be ok. Someday. But for now, the fight continues. The fight for myself, my brothers and sisters... for our dignity and pride..

Trust is earned. And as I look at all of Nicks letters, I think... maybe for once in my life I'm doing something right. I'm helping others. And thats what this is all about. Helping those ignored by the same ppl that send them to war. We will never forget, because we've been there... or we've watched you go and come back SO much different.

Just know that while we are trying so hard to get help despite all the walls we keep facing, we love you. We really are trying. We want to be us again, as much as you do. But we need you to stand with us. We need you to fight with us. We need your support now more than ever. And if you really think that it is all for nothing, walk away. I can almost guarantee we already know someone who will never walk away. Who will ALWAYS support us. And that is the person we'll run to. That is the person we'll stay with. The one that will never give up, that will keep fighting, and never give up on us.

For some, its family. For others, its other veterans.

Take pride in your service. Pay tribute to those that lost their lives; that gave the ultimate sacrifice. We are not all understood by all, but you will always be remembered. You will always be honored by those that aren't stingy and think they're entitled. You are a Marine, a Soldier, a sailor, an airman; And you did your homage to this country. Be proud. Be steadfast. Be the hero. Let yourself heal. Keep reaching for help. And if you see or hear about someone who fell between the cracks, or was tossed aside; HELP THEM. In ANY way you can. They NEED you. WE need you.

And as our Marines say, Semper Fidelis "ALWAYS FAITHFUL"

I may not always be completely together. But I always mean well. And no matter what, that tattoo will always keep me on the right path. So, Thank you Nick. You will always be a soldier. Keep fighting. Keep being strong. We are ALL fighting for you. NO soldier left behind.

Bottom

I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I'm nothing. I'm just another lost cause with a dirty mouth. I can go to war, but I can't swear. I can't do anything without being judged. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of everything. I'm supposed to censor myself. Why? Why did i fight for a country that just wants to silence me? Why must I always conform to what others want? Why do I have to live this life? No answers. Just questions. Just disappointment. Just hatred and sadness. But yet, I can't swear. Cuz thats bad. Cuz people will think less of me. Too fucking bad. I swear. I bitch. I complain. I cry. I get tunnel-vision. I have PTSD. I hate myself. I just want it all to fuckin end. That sadness, the crying, the fear... everything. I'm tired of jumping everytime I hear a boom, or a whistle. I'm tired of looking around like everyone is out to get me. I'm tired of it all. And I'm tired of fighting. What have i gained? Who can really help me?

I can't keep doing this. I know I need help. But that help won't stop the swearing. I'm allowed to have feelings. I'm allowed to be human. Or am I? Maybe I'm supposed to bottle it up and pretend I'm just a happy little person with dreams. Really? I'm better off dead. So no one can judge me anymore. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of it all. And i can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of hiding. I sick of pretending i'm just that funny chic with jokes and links. When are ppl gonna realize, that isn't me? Thats one small part. Thats not me. I'm so broken. So lost. So soul-less. So gone. And either no one knows what to say, or they don't care. How can you be more worried that i swear when i'm on the brink of death? WTF!

I'm trying to keep myself together. I've done pretty good i think. Pretend to be happy, when i'm miserable and sinking. Have hope for a future for about 5 minutes and then its gone. I'm so fucked up. I'm tired of crying. I just wanna be me again. The person i was. But that person is gone now. All i have is what Iraq and the Army left me. And its not much. Just the hope to help someone else. And I can't do that if I swear? Or am in a shitty mood?! I can't always be positive... there is NO god in my life. I dont give two shits what it thinks. Its not like 'it' was helpful before. "Does your god know my god? This is how the world will end." Perfect explanation by Atreyu. Look around. Its true. No one has managed to KILL more ppl than religion.

Facing the Storm

I have to mentally prepare myself for this new life. This lonely life. With memories of war and chaos, and loud noises that stop me in my tracks. I have to heal in order to help others. But helping others is what heals me. I'm in for a long road trip straight to my own hell. Unpredictable. And thats putting it nicely. I'm not up to see many people. I just wanna be alone. Yet I hate being alone. I'm just so messed up I think. I need to get to the VA and see if i'm one of the few ppl they'll help. Cuz I def. need it.

Instead of moving forward where I can see clearly, I move towards a challenge. Facing the storm. But what am I proving? That i'll always be dumb ass? That all always end up where I am right now? Alone and confused. I'm damaged goods. No one wants to deal with that...not really. Some say its not a problem, then a few months down the road they act like they didn't know. Guess its the price we pay in our lifelong effort to find someone who will understand you, love you and not throw everything in your face. But the disappointment grows when you keep getting thrown to the ground. It gets harder and harder to get back up and shrug it off.

I'm not supposed to have feelings. I'm supposed to suck it up, soldier on and fight the good fight. But what if i just don't have it in me anymore? What if i'm at a place in my life now that, i just don't give a shit anymore. Feelings I can push aside long enough to help someone who needs it. Then back to me. My broken heart, and soul... the one no one really sees.. or even cares about. I'm just a pon in this life. One that very few understand... or take the time to understand. Left to suffer silently.

I just wanna run, and never look back. No ties to the old life. Just leave without saying goodbye. I'll just be someone you all knew. Is it better that way? I have no idea. But its been on my mind for a long time. The only problem is... i can't run away from myself and who i am. So doing it might be pointless. But in my twisted mind, this is the only way for my heart to heal... for my soul to heal....

Alone

I've been so out of it lately. I've been trying to keep it all together,but its a lot harder than it used to be. I'm broken. Dying inside. I'm numb....hollow. I wish there was a way to change that. I don't know how. My life has been nothing but disappointment. One decent thing is overshadowed by everything that consumes me. I'm falling apart. And there's no one to lean on here. Maybe things will change when I leave. I hope so. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Constantly shaking. I try to be positive, but then I look around. No one is there. No one is ever there. I don't foresee anything changing. I'm too broken to recover. I have no family. I have no basis to go on. I wish I knew how I got to this point. I wish I knew how to fix this.

I've come to the realization that I will spend the rest of my life alone, in pain and tormented. Its hard to accept, but I dont have a choice. My whole basis to go on has nothing to do with me. It's just about who I may be able to help in a somewhat indirect way. But how long can I keep doing that? It's hard to push through when you have nothing left to live for........

The Downward Spiral

Over the last few years, a lot of shit has happened. Very few have been good. Most.. have been bad. Iraq has changed me for the worse and I don't know how to fix it. Anger has increased dramatically. Panic attacks at random and the trigger is unknown. Anxiety attacks... same thing. Although anything that sounds like a firefight, an explosion or loud noises can throw me into attacks, sometimes they don't. Sleeping is interesting. And then theres my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Which leaves me in pain 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. Everyday for the rest of my life I will be in pain. All medication makes me gain weight that I can't seem to lose. Two rapes in Japan where the military did nothing and they lost at least one of my rape kits. No arrests. No nothing. My counselor told me it was my fault, but everyone knows thats bullshit. 1 divorce from an abusive husband where I lost pretty much everything except my computer and my Ipod. Several losses of friends lives to which most I still haven't excepted. A douchbag ex that stole thousands of dollars from me, furniture and even tried to take my car. Frequent bouts of depression. An incident I won't give details for that show just how fragile war vets are and how little anyone seems to care. The chances of me being able to be a mother are so small that its virtually non-existent. And now this new pending last minute divorce thrown at me only weeks from my ets date. Leaving me to find out what I'm supposed to. So many bad things. And I didn't even get into how fucked my unit is and how much they tried to screw me.

Good things? I got 20% disability for my Fibromyalgia that will give me at least $34,000 tax free severance pay. So, my bills will be paid. And for some reason, I'm still alive.

But I have no family. No animals left. I have furniture that has to sit in storage. And a life that officially has no meaning or purpose. The only thing I can think of is helping Nick the best I can. Helping others with PTSD if possible. But aside from that, I am alone. Left to struggle and fight a losing war with the system. Left to wonder what it is that makes me so susceptible to negativity. Helping others is a nice thought, but how can I do that if I can't help myself?

I've had like 2 panic attacks in the last week. And I have no one to turn to here. Everyone is either on the internet or somewhere else. I wish I knew how to stop them, but I don't. I'm consistently hyper-vigilant. But that's a war thing, and is extremely hard to turn off. I'm not even sure if I can. I don't feel safe without a weapon. I'm just so messed up and have no hope of being anything like who I was. So what do I do? Right now, all I can do is try to pull it all together until at least the moving part is over. After that, I can't promise anything. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I need to keep myself together at least for a little while longer.

Ironically, if I'm working on something for Nick, I seem to be able to pull it off. But when that all stops, or I stop thinking about that, I forget what to do. I wish I knew what the trigger is so I can avoid it. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.

Fading

My life has been nothing but an example of how not to live your live. I’ve done so many things. Most for others. Yet it seems that its never enough. And I end up the same way I enter my days. Alone.

Who am I to complain? I’ve had it all more than once. And panicked. And ended up losing it all. So, while they will end up happy, have their kids, or whatever. I will be alone. Painfully alone. Its my fault. Its always my fault. I’m nothing without my vices. And my vices are what make me the way I am. I’m always one step behind. And look at me now. Scrambling last minute, struggling to make it and just figuring this out.

I’ll be alone for a while and forget all over again. Theres something seriously wrong with me. But apparently my purpose on this earth is not to be happy. Maybe its to push others in that direction. Like a traffic cop for souls. So, as I sit alone yet again, it dons on me. This wont change. I can work my ass off for the rest of my life, and get no where. Because what I want has nothing to do what where I’m going.