Ready to go

So, I think I've been in KY for long enough. I'm so ready to go home. Too many people, crowded elevators, personal standards... bla bla bla. I dont have the clothes required to do this type of thing. If I ever get some money, I can go shopping for it. But right now, I can barely pay my phone bill. Funny how that works.

So, I'm really dizzy and falling asleep. A few more days left in KY and I guess we're going to Tennessee... then back to Cali. Cant wait.

asfdasd

So, its my birthday. Of course Facebook told everyone, so my page is filled with 'happy birthdays'. Thats the only reason people knew. No one remembers my birthday anymore. And being single sucks. But, its whatever. So, my birthday will be spent being somewhere I didn't really wanna be. Is the hotel nice? Uh.. yes. But I don't wanna argue with people about how we should be treated or how it works. Just let us tell YOU what WE want... Tell is how much of what we're saying is already available but not advertised.. and lets move on. Seriously. Younger veterans...pretty much all of us have PTSD and/or TBI. We don't have the patience to sit there. Not to mention the fact that sitting in briefings is actually painful for some of us. It's more like punishment. Its like "thanks for volunteering to come to KY. Now sit here and don't move. I'll give you cookies later."

I heard a rumor about going to TGI Fridays for dinner? Meeting people? Who knows. I think i'd just like someone to remember my birthday w/o Facebook telling them. Or at least pretending they knew lol. I have a days full of stuff I don't wanna do. I can't advertise what i do like other people can. I'm not like that. I think i've more than proven that. So, why ppl expect me to just walk up to random ppl and talk is beyond me. Thats hard for me. I'm not that kind of person. And I don't drink anymore, so that wont help. I just don't wanna do this stuff. I really don't. I just wanna sleep. I wanna be pain free for a day. The VA won't do shit for me. So, yea. I just feel miserable and would rather disappear.

No one reason these stupid things anyways, so i'm not even sure why i'm sittin here.

Busy Busy Busy

So, I've been really busy lately. Which is quelled my PTSD for now. It's been sneaking back bit by bit tho. Slowly making its return back into my life more and more each day. I've been trying to stop that from happening, but every vet knows that it never goes away. We just have to learn how to deal with it.

I'm currently in Louisville, KY for the National AMVETS Convention and 21st Century Veterans Symposium. I gotta say that the hotel is awesome and so is the room I got. Its definitely the nicest hotel room I've EVER been in. So, although the drive here was both good and bad, (Took almost 400 pictures on the way here.) it was definitely worth just for the room alone.

Not Enough

Regardless of what I have done thus far, I still feel like I haven't done enough. I do my veteran thing, tryin to go back to school, AMVETS, etc etc. I've never gotten to a point where I feel content. I never really feel accomplished. Maybe I'm not supposed to until things change. I never expect anyone to actually read these, but i guess getting it out kind of helps. It allows me to go back and see how better or worse I've gotten since my return. So far, I think I've progressed. But who am I to say. I'm the same person who said I didn't have PTSD. Most of us say the same thing. "Na. Not me. I'm just readjusting."

A lot has changed in the last few months, but most remain the same. 4th of July was interesting. Some vets are okay with fireworks, the random loud noises and gunshots... I'm not. I'm in the category of those that can't handle it. I wish you could turn it off, but as everyone knows. War effects people differently. I'm always afraid something bad is gonna happen. Sad part of that is the 'bad feeling' thing I get. I've never been wrong when I get those. Ever. I can tell the difference of the constant fear from the 'bad feeling' apart, so I guess thats a good thing? Not sure really. I've always hated being able to tell when something bad would happen, yet never know when something good would happen. That intuitive misery is my downfall.

The VA is as useless as always. I went there to try and get some sort of pain relief. Their answer? They can't give me any pain meds because I have PTSD. Are you kidding me?!? So, not I have to deal with the PTSD and the severe pain on my own as always. I never seem to get the help I need from these idiots. And they wonder why we have no faith in them. And ask anyone that knows me; being in pain makes me cranky. But I push through it because I know that there are others far worse off than I am. So, I do what I've always done. Power through the pain.

There's so many things I wish I could change. From the way people think to the danger people are put in. Unfortunately, I can't change any of that. With some people, I can almost pinpoint every word they will say in conversation. Probably cuz I've heard it at least 30 times. Just sayin. Yet at the same time, so secretive my life has been. I can't tell people what I want to tell them. Some, because I've been sworn to secrecy because of their own agenda. Others, because it could hinder, or at worst; destroy our mission in helping veterans. Tho everyone knows... there's nothing worse than a pissed off veteran.

Despite everything, I still firmly believe that there is a reason for everything. I know theres a reason that bullet just missed my head. I know theres a reason I came home. I know theres a reason I ended up in California. It's just putting it all together thats quite a bit of a task. Connecting the dots, if you will. So, hopefully all goes as smooth as possible. Cross your fingers.

Knowing

In a matter of weeks my life will be completely different. Adjusting to the west coast again. Getting help for myself is imperative, but other things come first. Other people come first. Because this is life or death. I wish I knew how to put things into words better right now, I just don't.

I hate to think the way I am right now. But the inevitable... its gonna happen whether we're prepared or not. Watching someone die was never on my list of things I was prepared to do. But who is? Either way. its the right thing to do. I know it is. Just sucks that it has to happen this way.

I survive the way I do, because of music and allowing myself to break when I feel I need to. Of course there was a time when no one knew it . I was so secretive about it. I was afraid to show weakness. I've definitely moved past that.

I'm just as strong as I was, but we all have a breaking point. I'm pretty sure i'll be ok as far as total breakdowns are concerned. But i have been broken easier these days. Reality is a shitty thing. You realize all the stuff goin on around you, and just like in iraq, know there isn't a damn thing you can do about it but survive it.

I tend to try to keep to myself when i'm having bad days. Only because I dont want to bring people down with me. But we all need someone to talk to . Cali is good for me. I almost packed up my car and left today lol but yea. Can't leave quite yet.

Things i'm still waitin to happen lol

*getting a rose on the front seat of my car

*be able to buy a house of my own

*help nick more

*not get bitched at for trying to help

*ppl understanding PTSD and not blaming us for it

*not bein pain

*that whole family thing i can't seem to get right lol

*to be happy for once no matter the circumstances

*my promotion ceremony hahahahaha

*my va shit to get done

*VA rating

*John to figure out which house we're getting cuz he knows where they all are lol

*my shit to get picked up and sent to Cali.. even tho i dont have an address yet

*finish packing for Cali

*Facebook to stop changing shit

*AMVETS

*My new supposed title in OIF Community. haha

*get the rest of my money the army owes me... at least 12k

*Weed to be legalized... it'll happen folks

Baghdad ER and my "tailspin"

So, I got it because I kept telling myself I had to see it. But hindsite is 20/20. I should never of turned it on. I'm expecting a bad night alone. Seeing and hearing all of it.. the bodies, the blood, the explosions. This was a very bad idea. It makes you think. "Man Lori. That could of been you." I realize how much I hate this war. How much I'm tired of losing guys to this shit. It makes me cry. From a person who never cried, to a person who just can't stop.

"We don't want you to go. We want you to fight. But if you can't, its ok to go. Its ok to go."

I hate it. Why am I watching this? I LOST it.

I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea. I just watched the life leave his body. Even on film and not being there, knowing he was one of ours... it kills me. I mean, our guys get hit so hard, and fight so hard to live, and they just... don't. I don't where all this is coming from. It started this morning. Maybe its the lack of sleep. Seeing as I haven't slept in goin on 2 days. I just can't do it.

And as I'm writing this, I get a phone call from a Marine thinking I was Jess. And sounded pissed off he got me instead. FML. I'm useless. I can't help anyone. Today is just a bad day for me. I"m sorry for all this. I need to get out of here. Before i pull a disappearing act. Wish I knew what to say to people. I just don't. I can't be helping people anyways right now. Not in my condition. Not without someone here to talk to,. I'm always alone. A face to face would be nice. But i got a cat who stares at me and a dog who just wants to be annoying.

So what do i do? How can i help people when I need the help too? When people would rather talk to someone else. I think I'm the one who needs a battle buddy.