Not too shabby

So, today was, minus a few annoyances, was a pretty good day. The room mate finally made it to a real doctor and is getting the care the VA SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM SINCE DAY ONE. But as long as someone is doing it, I don't really care who does it.

I had my Compensation and Pension exam today. Went ok. So, thats one down. Now I just gotta cross my fingers and hope I can get my shit done by the end of the year so I can get the remaining money from the army. Then i should be just fine.

I got my education future planned. I'm gonna be a Veteran Service Officer for AMVETS once they train me. I'm also set to start at Kaplan: Paralegal for Associates, Political Science for my Bachelors. All can be used to help veterans in some way or another.

Overwhelming

The confusion in my life is overwhelming. I have no idea whats going on. I go from everything bein ok, to feeling unwanted. Its too much for me to bare. I hate not knowing whats going on in my own life. My life is a circus.

I wish I knew how to handle this, I just don't. It'd be different if I could read minds. Instead I'm stuck here, wondering what my future will hold. And how fast the foundation I have will be blown apart. I'm always the last to know, but I'm used to that. I've lived most of my life out of a bag. I was just hoping I wouldn't have to do that anymore.

The Extra

I know that no one reads these. I dont really care of anyone does to be honest. Its just a way to vent w/o the backlash of those around me. I need to be able to release all the pent up anger and feelings before I explode.

I don't really use names because my personal life is no ones business. I am barely holding myself together, so there's no use adding another variable to the mix.

While, my life is still in shambles, I do what I have always known. Soldier on. For a while, I didn't' know how to anymore. But on the way home from the massive road trip, that I will NEVER do again, I acquired a Black Onyx necklace. I got it because I've always loved black onyx. Little did I know what it would do to help me. It repels negative energy. I never believed in any of that stuff, til I put it on and the weight of my life began to lift. It has literally saved me. Whats sad is that I had someone who runs a veterans organization aimed at PTSD tell me that he had to delete me because his group is mainly Christian based. Ok? So because I decided to try something holistic, even tho I too have PTSD, I had to go? How can someone claim to want to spread the word and help veterans with PTSD, but have a catch.. like a religion.. Thats total bullshit. Anyone legit would be happy that the veteran found something that works for them, not cast them aside because they don't go to church. I was in shock when I was told this.

Either way... I feel like an extra. I feel like I'm just here to do what other people don't want to do. I feel like I'm being used. I feel like I'm still in the Army, where us little people are treated like garbage. But, I do it anyways, cuz why not? I never know whats going on in my life. I have to take it literally one hour at a time. Which is not the way to live your life. I can't even make plans, because I dont know what is going on. The only plan that I've made is to go to vegas whenever I get my money. But after the VA decided to push my appt back 4 fuckin months, I'm so poor right now. I can't even afford to think about the future. How sad is that.

Maybe someday I'll figure it out. Maybe someday I'll feel wanted. But for now, I'll just sit here and post links about veterans. Its what I'm best at.

Brr

Its 55 degrees. Too cold for my liking. Home alone with the dog today. But I do have a few things to do and I get to man the remote... for once. Figure I can wash some clothes, clean up, & finish catching up on stuff I need to do.

I wanted to get all my VSO training done before I started school, but i'm not sure how to go about that. So, maybe i'll contact the school and see when the next semester starts.

Disarray

My life is still utter chaos. The black onyx helps with not getting angry so easily and is helping my PTSD believe it or not.. but the VA just made it jump back a few thousand feet. I have a comp and pen appt on friday. I was SUPPOSED to have another one on October 5th. I get home today and find out that they changed it without telling me. When you ask? MOTHER FUCKING JANUARY 2011!!?!! I'm so close to homeless as it is. I can't pay for storage. I can't pay rent. I'm squatting in someones house. I have no income. I can't even afford to get a Cali license. I'm THAT broke.

The VA is creating more homeless veterans. Veterans come first my fucking ass.

My life is in shambles but I'm holding it together. I'm alone. Fuck my life. Seriously. Nothing can ever fucking go right for me. Ever.

Another day of chaos

I'm not sure how I even got to this point. Always sacrificing for others and in the end, I am left carrying the weight. Its obvious that I care too much about other people. And its also obvious that no one shares the same feelings as me. I knew a long time ago, I wouldn't have much of a future. I knew that I'd end up dying alone, no kids and probably just a pet. I've tried enough in my life to have a future, and it seems that I'm just not supposed to have one.

I have no one to talk to. I'm just supposed to keep it all in. And even if I try to vent to someone else, if other people hear it, I get told to stop bitching. I feel unwanted and that I don't belong. I really wish my life didnt' suck like it does. I wish I had someone to listen to me. Like face to face. Not on the internet. But, I dont have that. I'm just supposed to suck it up.

I'm at a point where I need someone physically here to help me. And even tho theres people around, I still feel alone. Like I'm the only one around. No matter where I am, I dont feel like I belong.

People always say to call if I need someone to talk to. I could, but I dont feel like doing that over the phone. It'd be nice to have someone around who understands what I'm going through. I just dont. Well, theres a few with ptsd around, but none of them care unless its about them. All I know, is that never again will I pick up my life and move across the country. For anyone. For any reason. Why sacrifice for someone else, when they are not willing to even recognize that you're suffering too? Its a life I don't feel is worth living.

Fallout

I officially have nothing left to lose. The fallout from my PTSD has stripped me of everything I thought I had. I'm now left with confusion and the reminder of how messed up I really am.

I started wearing a black onyx necklace. I looked up the meaning and its supposed to repel negative energy. So, I don't have thoughts racing through my head anymore, but the severity of the fallout from my PTSD is what is taking its toll right now. I feel lost and alone. And I have a feeling I will always feel like that. I just can't do anything right anymore. I'm so stressed, but holding it together as much as I can.

I dont care who reads this anymore. I need a vacation. I need a break from all this shit. I need to just disappear.

There is no such thing as sunshine and rainbows in my life. Theres just confusion. I wish I had some answers as to how and why my life repeatedly takes a cliff dive. I'm tired of hitting bottom. Nothing like being kicked when you're down.

I have to play like i'm happy go lucky when on facebook most of the time, because if I dont, i get yelled at and/or attitude. I fought for my freedom... and now I get yelled at for expressing it? I lost every right I had a long time ago apparently. I'm just tired of ppl expecting me to be the stand up guy... would it kill for someone to give me a fuckin hug? Ppl that are around my all the time just ignore it. When a hug is literally what would help get me out of this 'funk' that i'm in. Its amazing how elusive ppl can bt. How can you not know whats wrong with me? If you dont you're a complete moron.