The loneliest time of the year...

I've never been a fan of Christmas. It's sucked every year since I was 17. I've either been alone or on the verge of divorce every year. It's a very lonely time of year for me. In fact, it is for many veterans; and Americans as well. 

Christmas just reminds me of how lonely I am. Most of my friends have kids that will tear open presents Christmas morning; beaming from ear to ear. Or have someone to spend Christmas with; like a boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, mistress or hooker. This year, for some reason I feel alone now more than ever. We're doing some sort of gift exchange this year at nadias, which is cool; but I have a heavy feeling that is just stuck in place. I can't get rid of it. I can't get myself in the spirit at all. And I've tried. Something is always there to break my effort. 

I kind of miss the snow. I miss watching it; not shoveling it, or falling in it, or freezing in it. It looks nice. But, I'm in Cali now. No snow. Instead we have freak weather and rain. This is not shaping up to be the freedom I was hoping for. It makes me sick how naive I am. You'd be surprised at how many chances I give people and I have yet to NOT to have it thrown back in my face. Guys love to throw shit at me. Maybe I just have one of those faces? Guys also like to think I owe them something. If you think that, you should quit what you're doing right now. 

I'll be doing this a lot during the holidays. Writing is all I have. If I'm lucky, I'll get a blue nose pitt puppy. At least I'll have a companion. Right now I have FB and I'm sure everyone would be happy if I shut up for 10 mins. lol :) 

Polytrauma Appt & W.R.I.I.S.C.

So, I had an appointment with the Polytrauma Team in Palo Alto. They are the shit. The secretary chic physically calls patients the day before their appointment. Never had that happen before. The doc I had, Dr Huang, listening very carefully to everything we said. This guy thanked me for my cooperation since its so hard us to do these appts. Never had that happen before either.

He asked when and what I remember, the length of my memory loss, asked me the 'remember 3 things' crap, which I failed.. over "green pen". Couldn't remember what day or day of the week it was, but got the month and year right.. Go me. haha He checked my balance with was BAD. All in all, great appointment. I got a an MRI scheduled but I need to reschedule it. I can't make another trip to Palo Alto this week. I'm not even goin to PTSD treatment tomorrow cuz of it. lol

Early next year I will also be going through the W.R.I.I.S.C. program. Trying to take care of my TBI stuff at the same time so I don't have to deal with it in a million visits. I got a feeling I'll be down there alone tho. Which sucks, but its whatever. I have a computer haha

Instead....

If left alone, PTSD and TBI can drastically and negatively affect your life in immense waves. Mine's being treated, but it's the holidays. That means a lot of depressed veterans and troops.  Including yours truly. 

My life is always changing. You'd think that would be  normal, but it's a level and speed of change that is just unreal. I can't even keep up with my own life, because I never know what's going on. I got a real good grip on it today and it occurred to me that I'm used to it. No one should get used to being miserable. Apparently over the years, I've given up hope. What's the point? The end is always the same.

It's easier for me to go through life pretty low key. I keep to myself a lot anyways now. Not even on purpose. I just have no one here to have a 'one-on-one' chit-chat with. Funny how isolated you can feel even when you're not actually alone.

I just wanted a normal life. The house, the husband, the kids, the pets.... ya know. Like basically everyone else I know. Instead I have a moon chair and a car that was nicknamed 'the great pumpkin'. Instead I can't even have kids, let alone maintain any kind of relationship. Instead, I sit here and wonder why I even bother. Instead, the only pet I own is an IPod touch. Instead, I have full storage and have nowhere to put anything I own. Instead, I never want to celebrate another holiday as long as I live.

Nothing is how it's supposed to be. Of course, we're pretty resilient. So, I just go with it a lot. Unfortunately, it's done nothing but lead me in circles. Its hard to give a shit when you know you're being used. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks. 

Cutting losses

Today I am cutting losses. Respect is EARNED...not given. Demanding it never worked for anyone. And I refused to be treated like shit just because someone doesn't get their way. Grow up.

On finding my ACUs

I went to storage today to get the base of my 42" flat screen LCD tv. The admiral was nice enough to snag it for me from storage earlier cuz it's pretty heavy. When I seen the unpacked box sitting on the floor, I thought "How much you wanna bet the base isn't even in there.." And it wasn't. So there I was, digging through the chaos in the dark with a flashlight. I found the base, but I also found a full set of ACUs. Including the boots, socks and my beret. When I got home, I put on them on. I miss wearing them actually. Nadia promoted me to SGT in the kitchen since I never got an actual promotion. (Thats what happens when your senior enlisted and the Dept of the Army are at odds as to weather or not you should get promoted. haha I won. ) I sat outside bullshitting for a while, just comfy as can be. I didn't even fix the TV til way after I got home. lol Sad. But I do miss wearing them. Crazy, but I miss the Army.

Short and depressing

I spend the majority of my time alone. Trying to find reasons to leave this cave, and there just aren't any reasons. I never know when people want me around or just want me to do shit for them. I never know if they're talking to me or to someone else because not much is said to me lately. I just need someone to exist. Someone who gives a shit that isn't 400 miles away. Until then, I'll sit here. Wishing things were different and everything made sense. Until then, I'll continue to deteriorate.

Sometimes the North Star just leads you in circles.

It is unclear at this point where my life is going. (But I assume it's like that for many people.) Going to school seems to be pretty far-fetched at this point. My concentration is way off and I just don't have the willpower to learn right now. I'd rather not go to school then to fail and have to pay it back. 


It's been really cold in Cali. Kind of depressing actually, but what can you do. I just bundle up as much as I can, (which usually includes at least 2 hoodies and a coat) and i'm still cold. This freak cold weather probably followed me here to just like it did Iraq. I'm sure my army buddies will get that one. 


The combination of my TBI and PTSD this week are disturbing. There is a small possibility that I wouldn't be able to tear my way out of a wet paper bag. The highlight was the stuffing issue, which I posted about a few days ago. I've had a lot of episodes where I'd go to do something, and 2 steps into my mission :: BAM:: its gone. Same thing with conversations. I loose track of what i'm talking about and forget altogether. 


Fact is, my heart hurts. Its heavy and its history has been weighing on me for some time now. Recently, my head and my heart have gone head to head in a fight to see which one can cause me more agony. Its hard to decipher between the two when you're already overwhelmed. Most days I feel like I'm being double teamed by karma for something I apparently don't remember doing. It's always something. Or absolutely nothing.