Norhing to say

So, I avoided posting anything because i got tired of people judging me. People that didn't even know me, yet told me to suck it up. So avoided this like the plague.

But I decided, FUCK everyone who wants to talk shit to me.

I already know i'm pretty much a nobody. But thats not the issue.

I'm tired of being judged. No one REALLY knows me... or knows wtf i've been through. Yet ppl like to tell me to 'suck it up." This isn't active duty. NO ONE tells me wtf to do. And NO ONE is obligated to read this shit. So if you dont like what i have to say, fuck off and good bye.  I'm tired of pleasing ppl i dont know. I'm tired of 'fixing my words' to make ppl feel better for having a different outlook of me.

.......................................

A lot of time has passed since my last post. Because the last time, i was fighting some asshole i didn't know for the right to the freedom of speech we fought for. A right that his opinion decided, i wasn't allowed.

in that time, i lost my dog. Got a cat, who treats me like both my ex husbands..... and i am still alone here. So used to it, that i have no idea how to talk to guys. I have no idea what a date is, because i've never actually been on one, so i have no idea how that works. I'm destined to be the cat lady. Who's only excitement is feeding the gazillion cats.   Some ppl can have kids.. well i can't. Tho everyone i know seems to be popping them out or creating their own familieis. I'm still the same old me. Bored, alone and lost. The friends i thought i had, have abandoned me like everyone else in my life. It is what it is. but no VA psychiatrist can fix this. I have to be able to trust them... and i dont trust them....and never will.

I spend every weekend alone in my apt. I leave the apt long enough to get food or liquor. Then I come back here to get drunk by myself and pretend my cat likes me. But cats are the 'valley girls' of their species.

I'm so used to being alone, that the days that drive ppl crazy are regular days to  me. i've literally given up. Why should i care when no one cares about me? yea.. fuck that. and fuck everyone who thinks i'm either a pussy or a fool. YOU have not been in my shoes while i was being raped or having my head smashed off the ground just for existing. So fuck you.


Have I been trying? Yes. But the 'end-state' is always the same. Just me.. because i dont do what my friends or associates say. So at this point, its best if i tell everyone to fuck off.

Bradley and other random things

I miss my dog. The only fam I had that hasn't abandoned me. But he's in SD with ppl I thought that wouldn't keep him from me. I was wrong. I took a risk and it blew up in my face. Won't get into details because it pisses me off. Lets just say they're pretty much keeping him from me until I come up with $900 of what I call 'ransom money'. Thanks guys. Just remember you were responsible for him while he was under you're care, and its your fault he got bit. Not mine. Demanding money for something that was your fault is fucking bullshit.

I'm prepping for Warrior Weekend 2012 in SoCal. Contacting bands already to see if they can work with me on this. Its meant to be a fun and motivating event for any and all veterans. Can't wait til things start pickign up. Its busy now, but its all important. More to come on that. I haven't slept in 2 days. lol

Preppin for a lot of stuff actually lol. I figure it this way. They haven't been able to kill me yet. lol So, I'll be good.

Clarity

I went to the memorial for Clay Hunt today in LA with a friend that knew him. Ive seen my share of grown men crying, and it gets harder to watch every time. But it shows how lacking the adequate treatment is. They need to do more. They dont' really seem to get it. I think its time they did.

As for this Anonymous fellow. Good for you. PTSD is what it is. Ppl handle it differently. I have 3 forms of it. I have mostly dealt with my rape PTSD alone. I'm somewhat at rest with it. But I have problems going places alone to make sure it doesn't happen a third time. To be clear. The first one, I was dragged into an alley. The 2nd, I was in my barracks room passed out. Woke up half way through it. Neither were prosecuted. Got off scott free with an honorable discharge.

And honestly, if you're gonna talk shit to me, at least be honest and reveal yourself. Just sayin. Anyone can talk shit behind a computer.

Making someone feel like shit is not the way to go. Insulting them is not gonna work. And the breaking of the face comment was sarcasm. Guess some ppl dont catch sarcasm, but whatever.

Nonetheless... you are not being forced to read this. Hardly anyone does. Its the only way I have to vent. And talking to me like i'm a piece of shit is just retarded. Go talk shit to someone else.

End of story.

Fuck You Anonymous

I've spent the last year trying not to snap. Trying like fucking hell not to break someones fucking face open. I have no outlet. So this is what I do. Don't like it? Don't fucking read it. Insulting me is not going to help my PTSD. It is only gonna make it worse. Hey.. maybe I should off myself. Would that make Anonymous feel better? Pussy. Didn't even have the BALLS to fuckin say who you were. Whats wrong? You afraid I'll hunt you down and break your face?

I've been through more in the last 28 years than you'll EVER have to endure. You have no idea. But all you do is talk shit. Calling me Emo. Really? Not even. Try broken. From war, from rape, from a shitty fuckin disillusioned life. Yet I keep saying what... I'm. Still. Here. And i'll be here to break your face when you come at me face to face.. pussy.

Words on a page...

They call it isolation. I call it life. I'm so used to being alone, that its always routine. Kinda like before I got out (and was still married) when I always felt alone. But what can you do. You can't force ppl to give a fuck about you. You can't force ppl to care. You just gotta.... suck it up.  It'd be a shit ton easier if I had a family that actually called... I just don't.  I have veterans who need help. I have orgs who want my support. I have issues that need dealt with. Just no actual family. Does it suck? Yes. Very much. But it's the cards I was dealt. Someones gotta suffer forever.... if its gotta be me.. then its gotta be me. I have nothing to lose. So, it makes no difference either way. I'll still be here no matter what. No use pouting just because my life is fucked up. Let the ppl who CAN be happy .. be happy. Whether it be their full fledged fam... or even just a kid. Fam is fam nonetheless. I have "when, i feel like your fam'' kind of fam. So essentially, I have no support system. No calls to say, 'hey. how you REALLY doin?'. No one ever fuckin calls me. I'm like the blacksheep. Ppl only care when they feel bad. I don't want pity. I want fucking respect. I want a real family who cares. I just don't have that. They care on THEIR schedule. Still pisses me off.

Most things people say are just words on a page. Words ppl think will make me feel better. Not words of truth or distinction. Just words. People say a lot of things. Ask anyone. I'm the little sister. Always have been. People can say what they want, but when they meet me the same thing happens. "You're like a sister." HAHAHA seriously. Just how it is. Which I've totally accepted. What else am I supposed to do? Pout? Not my thing. Just cuss to myself at how FUCKED my luck is and keep moving. Of course when no one is looking I'm a whole dif person. I'm the classic PTSD patient. Zoning. Falling. Dying inside. But no one knows. Why? Because no one pays that much attention. Its so obvious. Like a slap in the face. Somehow no one feels it. I feel abandoned. But no worries. I"m used to it. Sad huh. And yet again, this reach for help will have failed. Nothing new.

Would it kill the world to give a shit? Apparently so. Apparently its too much work to actually be there for someone who has no one around. Pathetic.

Regardless, tomorrow will be a new day. And tomorrow will have new duties, new challenges, new issues. Just wish I had someone to share all this with. As of now, ppl only call me when they feel like it. So I literally have NO SUPPORT system. Does America care? Nope. All they care about is themselves. How fucking selfish can one get? They have a family. I have nothing. They have good times.. I have horrid memories. This country needs a wake up call in the form of a bitch slap.

Boxes, nicknames and 12 oz cans

I've been called a Viper for a while now. Never really thought about it really til lately. I just do what I do. Whether ppl like it or not. It needs done. Ask anyone that knows me. If it needs said.. I'm the first one to pop off at the mouth. Cuz I get tired of the bullshit.. quick.

It's friday. What am I doing? Going through boxes. Amazing myself at the shit i kept and laughing at the same time. Found some awesome shit. Threw away some bullshit. Pretty uneventful really. But hey, gotta kill time somehow. Theres only so much news you can watch. Only so much you can Google. Only so much Facebook I can handle. I thought it would help me relax since its a pretty easy task, but I think it mad it worse. Rehashed a lot of memories. Hung up some pictures in the living room tho from a calendar I had in Iraq. I miss my friends from Lewis. At least I'll never have to say I'm ashamed of being a Soldier. Despite the bullshit, I loved it.

I met Gary Sinise. AWESOME guy. Really has heart in what he does for the troops. Can't thank Adam enough for getting me there. I couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to him. Ok. I won't lie. I was kinda nervous haha. First celebrity I ever met. Gave him a card and told him about the Warrior Distress Line. Adam made sure to tell him that what we really need is publicity. Gary told me that he's a huge part of DSTRESS. (The Marine distress line.) All in all, it was good. It was awesome meeting him. And it was good to see Joe and Gary Douglas again. It would be nice if someone would call me once and a while and be like.. hey.. u wanna get your ass out of your apartment? No one does tho. Well. I take that back. Adam does sometimes. Thank god.

Been going through boxes for hours. I guess I put the bulk of it off because I didn't know where to start. Tearing through it as fast as I can right now while I still can. Theres just so much shit I've acquired in the last 10 years. I got like 3 duffle bags of military shit. Hopin it get this done soon. Its definitely overwhelming. But it needs done so i don't think about it constantly. I got veterans to help.

We are all battling our own demons.

I've sat here and stared at a blank screen for 20 mins.  Not knowing where to start. Its amazing that in an emergency situation, my training kicks in and i'm golden.. but every day I still sit here trying organize the chaos in my head. I can practically hear the echo of my own voice. When I reach out, no one is there. But I guess that is the hand I was dealt. So, those are the cards I'll play for now. 

Every day is a struggle. I have to drag myself out of bed because I have no reason not to. Sometimes I think it'd be easier for everyone if I wasn't around. Ok. More than sometimes. I'm more forgettable then ppl think. I've been told enough times that I'm nothing but a burden. They're probably right.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is either lying to themselves or delusional. 

My biggest problem is I grew up convincing myself that things won't always be that bad. Dreamed up a fairy tale ending... and here I am at 28 still nursing the bruises of the last 28 years. Nothing has gotten better. I just keep lying to myself to get through each day. You can only block for so long before you just stop defending yourself. End result? You end up laying there bruised and bloody waiting for the pain to finally fade. 

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm in the way.  That ppl only invite me to do shit cuz they feel bad. It's the worst feeling. Even when I'm around ppl, I get the same feeling. I see the way ppl look at me. With pity and ignorance. I'm just another vet without a support system. I used to be able to read ppl, but now all I can read is the lack of respect in the eyes of Americans. I see how all they care about is their trip to the mall. They could care less about what happens to us, because their life still goes on. But let it directly effect them and see how that all changes. No wonder we carry resentment. It's business as usual. 

PTSD is a serious demon that is grossly underestimated. It can destroy you. It helps to have a solid support system you can fall back on. But that support system has to have meaning.  The only support system that will work is one that you trust not to throw you away with the trash. You have to be able to know for sure that when you're reaching up from the bottom, that someone will be there to pull you out. If that doesn't exist, you're chances of healing are not very good.Its good to have ANYONE, but the internet will not help. You need someone actually around.  I've been digging my way out for a long time. And every time someone grabs on, they just... let go. And back to bottom I go. 

Some days I just sit here in silence trying to find meaning again. The only meaning I have left is helping when and where I can. But it's so exhausting. Then I start sinking again. The way you spend the rest of your life is always up to you. You can spend the rest of your life treading water, or you can get to shore and start over. I'm somewhere in the middle. Still trying to figure out if the effort is worth it. 


(No. I am not suicidal.)

You know I aint did shit today haha

I had a grip of stuff to do today. Did I? Hell no. Sadly my body mimics the weather. Hella bummed tho. Had a baseball game to go to tomorrow and its supposed to rain til Sunday. Not MLB. hahaha I hate major league baseball. Little League. Kid ain't bad.

Thats it. i got nothing else.

Empty is Empty.. no matter how you look at it...

The 'me' that some ppl see, is most def not the person I am inside. I am def not confident. I am def not sure about anything. Inside, I am still hollow. I am still broken. I try not to show it because I've been told that I'm the strong one. That basically means I'm supposed to be the one that never breaks. I did tho. 


Kinda sad actually. I tried so hard to be that 'right hook' 24/7. It wears on you tho. It's so exhausting. And when I broke.. it killed me that I had to wait for someone to call me back. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.. and my 'problems' are inconvenient for everyone. I just wish ppl would be straight with me and just be like, "Look. I'm sorry, but I don't have time in my life for you." Then there are those friends who seem to call because they feel guilty for not giving a shit before. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Its even worse that my own family doesn't even call to see how I am. It's straight up disappointing. I seriously feel abandoned. I've been 'adopted' in a few families. But it will never be the same. I always feel like the third wheel. Like someone else felt compelled to do it because of how I feel. It's hard to explain.

Might have something to do with the fact that I don't have a family. I have no idea whats its like, and I don't pretend to. Most ppl my age at least have a kid. Some of my friends have 3. As a chic, not having anything makes me feel like a failure. I honestly think I would of made a pretty good mom. But throughout the years, I've heard the same story. "I can't see you ever having kids." etc etc. Not even close. Oddly enough I had 2 goals in my life. 1. Being a Soldier. 2. Having a family. Took care of one... still an epic fail at #2. It's gotta be me. Seriously. 


It feels like I've spent my entire life having my heart ripped to shreds. I wouldn't even call it depression. I call it  Chronic Disappointment. I finally just gave up. I'm either in the 'friend zone' or would NEVER date the ppl interested in me LMFAO. For real. Can't win. So I figure, fuck it. If  I'm that big of a deal to someone, they know where I am. 


I don't want sympathy. I don't want ppl to feel bad. All I am lookin for are people who really know me, not on the internet, who genuinely give a shit about me. And I can't even tell you how hard that is to find. It's one thing to say you do, and it's another to really mean it. I have trust issues as it is. So, having my trust in someone proved to be fruitless...it crushes me more and more each time. Each time, I'm dragged under a little further. 


Just like I've told several people. I'm the poster child for Murphy's Law. If it CAN go wrong, oh it does. Without fail. Life is really just a game of chance. You win some. You lose some. But when you're losses outweigh your wins, it makes you wonder. Why the FUCK am I still doing this!? Why? Because like it or not, we are all holding the death card. It's just a matter of time before it cashes itself in. And I am not ready to go yet. I still have a chance. So many do and don't even realize it. Just because you think its pointless, doesn't mean it is. Just because you think your life no longer has a meaning, doesn't mean it does. Especially as a veteran...You came home. Honor those we lost by living. I live everyday hoping the next will get better. Does it? No. lol.But hey, we can't all be rockstars. I lose hope almost daily.. but I pick myself back up and soldier on. One way or another. 


So in closing, let me say this.


Empty is empty. There's no other way to explain it. The fact that we are still here gives people hope. Trust me. Our determination, selflessness and brute soul-taking strength empowers those around us. Whether we notice or not, people are actually paying attention and are envious of it. We are a different breed. NEVER forget that. 

Still Broken

I stopped doing this. Because really... who was listening.. The most response I got when ppl thought i was gonna kill myself.. But I guess if i'm not gonna off myself, ppl think i don't need help. Wrong.

I was so happy to get Bradley, as much of a pain in the ass as it was to train him, because then I wasn't completely alone. Then I had to hand him off because I wasn't allowed to have him. Now i'm completely isolated and spend 98% of my time on facebook. Why? WTF else am I gonna do? I hate not having the energy or strength to do much. I hate being sick. But theres only so much I can do. Cleaning my apt is a whole day affair because I have to take breaks so often. I used to be able to clean a 2 bedroom apt in no more than an hour. Do the math.

I hate calling people because I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Just because I don't have a family doesn't mean I have to right to intrude in it. Let  them be happy. No one has to be miserable like me. Its not their weight to carry. Its mine. I, just like all vets, just want what we earned. Its not another vets fault that I feel like i'm sinking. I just gotta suck it up like always. Its hard to do that all the time.. And I'm not one to call ppl about it. I like one on one time with someone who gets it.. but at the same time I trust no one. CLASSIC PTSD.

I wanna work, but know I'll never be able to hold a job. I'm too sick. Heart rate is crazy. Pain is rediculous. I still have no self esteem. Apparently I hide it all very well. Cuz the ppl who I thought got it, mostly because I've said it a million times, still say they had no clue. So either they didn't care enough to listen... or I am really that good at hiding it. Either is disturbing.

Nonetheless, No one will read this.

Bradley

I got to Redding 12 hours ago. Bradley walked right up to me. We bonded pretty quick.

 He's 7 wks old, still a young buck, and it shows. He's adorable. Def worth the 10 hour drive. Earlierl he was laying down with me, looked up, snuggled and put his mini paw in my eye. lol Too cute. The dad, Gage, has the biggest head I've ever seen. lol He has a habit of trying to flip the puppies. And because he so big, his paws get int he way and he tends to step on the puppies. Not intentionallly.. There's 2 puppies left. Both males. Gage likes to be up in my face all the time. lol Big boy loves attention. lol Sean has some good dogs tho. Gage cracks me up. Him and his big head. haha I call him "big head' instead of gage tho. haha

GAGE

This is the first time I've been on a computer since I left LB for the drive up. I can't wrap my head around the emails right now. Lack of sleep I'm guessing. But Tomorrow I'll see what I can do. Saturday is a good day to do it too. My chill day in Tracy with the pup before heading south. I'm tryin to get him used to wearing a colllar. Sean gave me a spiked on for him. Too big for now tho. It can be his pimp collar lol

Bradley's pretty smart, but I've watched him get bullied by the other 2 pups. (Reminds me of me at one point. haha) After a little paw to paw conversation, he's starting to nip back like his mama. haha Took him for a ride today. He's not a fan of the car just yet lol, but in his defense he had no idea what was going on hahaha He'll get used to it. Still a little confused about the 'outside'. I watched him tackle a leaf earlier. He likes those.

I've been super busy. Thats what happens when you show you're reliable. lol Got a few what i'll dub 'taskers' to look into.

Gonna try to get some more sleep, if those other 2 pups ever stop acting a fool haha  I know this blogs a little scattered. Think I'm gonna pass out. That drive was exhausting. If only I could find room on the couch amongst these dogs. lol

No one wants to admit they're broken...

Today I fell asleep in my car. Just straight kicked the seat back and passed out. Best sleep I've had in days. Go figure. It's probably a good thing that I was by myself most of the day. My PTSD was not cooperating. I can't wait to get Bradley. I need a comfort zone.

It's 11pm and I'm back to sitting in the car thinking. This trip was a great idea because it's given me an opportunity to see clearly again. Doesn't look All that great, but I'll be ok. I didn't realize I was surviving on hope. Which is stupid. Because it clearly isn't working. Tried going with the flow. You see where that got me. I'm done caring. My focus will stay where it belongs. On veterans. I just need to be able to get from day to day.  Aside from that, I'm used to being by myself. I think as long as I have someone to hang out with every now and then, it'll do.

As soon as figure it all out, I'll be straight. Just lots of randoms going on. I set up a surprise for a badass 11yr old. I have an event in studio city on the 15th. I'm moving, getting Bradley next month... There's a lot lol. Oh. A veteran called the Warrior Distress Line and it did exactly what it was meant to do.  Allowed the veteran to talk to another veteran. And he said he will be spreading the word. :)) so we're gonna need more volunteers. Glad it helped him.

It occurred to me today that as long as I had a place to shower, I could easily live in my car. I really don't think it would bother me. I got my cell...with Internet. Maybe I'm just getting used to being in my car. Meh.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Maybe it's because of my mid day nap. Maybe not. All I know is that although I'm in limbo at the moment, I feel more at home here. I'm not sure why. Sure, the streets are fuckin confusing. But I'll get used to it. I wish I wasn't physically broke. I'd start skating again. lol

Don't ask me why, but I'm watching Oprah. lol The dude from Dirty Jobs is on there. Talkin about Deadliest Catch and how it shows how real it is. Yet, they canceled "Over There" (which I own)after only one season, because the public couldn't handle it. THAT is a truth they need to get. Combat is the only dangerous thing, that the public can't handle. Yet we entertain their ignorance. Sad.

It used to be appalling, the way this country has come to think. Now? I'm not even surprised that veterans get shafted in any way they can sneak it in. Always trying to take away rights WE fought for. Not the idiots protesting abortion. US. You'd think out of respect to our sacrifices, they'd AT LEAST do as they promised. Guess we're not that important. Just wait. When everything goes to hell. Those same people talking shit, will be looking at us to protect them...again. What are they gonna do if we can't because of those broken promises? I'm just sayin. We don't owe anyone shit. As far as I'm concerned, this country owes US. So, get on it.