Chaos

I'm not sure really how to feel these days. What's there to feel? I'm empty and alone. I'm lost and unloved. I've been passed off and abandoned. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find any peace or happiness. No matter how many people I talk to, that will never change. I feel too far gone. I wish I had a reason to be happy. I just don't.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I have turned to writing as an outlet? Does it help? A little. But I have no one to talk to. No one is allowed to know about my life. But, thats what I don't get. What's there to hide? I haven't had sex is longer than I care to admit. I don't have a boyfriend... or any other half. It's just me really. I have friends and shit like that, but it's just not the same. Where the hell is my life going? I can't really seem to tell. It's all chaos.

Head Rush

So, things are the same as usual. The VA sucks. I can barely get out of bed. I'm lonely, so the depression stemming from the PTSD is worse. I just feel so alone all the time. The people I live with barely talk to me. I'm like a ghost. I miss the days when I had someone to talk to all the time. When I had someone to hang out with on the weekends, even it included getting drunk, because I trusted those around me and actually enjoyed myself. But now I'm a civilian, and have no one to talk to. Sure, I have people's phone #s, but no one ever answers the phone these days. Even my parents. So, I literally sit on the computer...typing away... talking about nothing just to pass the time. The only conversations I have is when I get volunteered to do stuff I really don't wanna do. That happens more often than I'd like. It's like being active duty again.

I spend more time wishing my life would be different than anything else. It's like I'm a burden unless someone wants something. And that is a horrible feeling. To know no one really wants you around, but you're useful to them for one reason or another. Whether it be the use of your car, or to do stuff they don't wanna do. It's all the same. I thought moving would help me. And it has in very small ways, but for the most part it hasn't. I'm still lonely. I still feel abandoned. I don't think it would of mattered where I went. The outcome would of always been the same. I'd still feel like an outsider with no one to turn to. I'd still feel like I had no one to turn to when I needed someone to be there. It'd all be the same. So, I guess it wouldn't matter. Its sad that I know that the outcome would be the same, but its the truth.

So, for now I do what I can. Which isn't much. I still have no income and am severely behind on bills. So bad, that its greatly affected my credit.. which used to be really good. And of course the VA doesn't give a shit. I have to rely on someone else to put gas in my car so they use my car more than I do. Actually they don't even ask anymore. They claim its 'our' car. Really? Is that why I pay the car payment AND the insurance? Must be. I'm a little bitter about people claiming the only thing I have left to call my own is a shared object. But its whatever. I never say anything because at least they put gas in the car.

There's so much goin through my head. The black onyx stopped that for a while, but it all came to a head. It's all too obvious now. I just wish my life made more sense. Nothing in my life makes sense. I'm never sure if I'm happy the way it is or not, because its never the same. Its always some other bullshit every day. Just when I think I'm ok, my life falls apart again. I'm not sure how much longer I can pick up the pieces and rebuild. I just hope I continue to have the strength and willpower to do so.

And it continues...

The confusion has yet to let up. Nothing in my life makes any sense. Its always hot and cold... off and on... confusion. Thats all I know anymore. There's always an excuse as to why its so difficult to decide, and I remain confused and lost. It never fails.

I went to my PTSD appt at Stanford and I hated it. I don't wanna talk about my childhood. Its irrelevant in my opinion. The longer I was there, the more angry I got. I just don't wanna talk about anything. I need structure. Thats all I need. I managed to get through everything else without any outside help, so I'm almost positive I'll do better on my own...but I'm only going to appease everyone else. I just don't wanna hear people try to coax me into treatment. I don't need to talk about my problems.

I'm still waiting on the VA for my claim. So, each month I get more broke and deeper in debt. All because the VA took forever. If it weren't for Nadia, I'd be homeless. And the VA could give a shit less. THEY ARE CREATING HOMELESS VETERANS. Period.

Back to basics

So, things have finally come to fruition.

Not too shabby

So, today was, minus a few annoyances, was a pretty good day. The room mate finally made it to a real doctor and is getting the care the VA SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM SINCE DAY ONE. But as long as someone is doing it, I don't really care who does it.

I had my Compensation and Pension exam today. Went ok. So, thats one down. Now I just gotta cross my fingers and hope I can get my shit done by the end of the year so I can get the remaining money from the army. Then i should be just fine.

I got my education future planned. I'm gonna be a Veteran Service Officer for AMVETS once they train me. I'm also set to start at Kaplan: Paralegal for Associates, Political Science for my Bachelors. All can be used to help veterans in some way or another.

Overwhelming

The confusion in my life is overwhelming. I have no idea whats going on. I go from everything bein ok, to feeling unwanted. Its too much for me to bare. I hate not knowing whats going on in my own life. My life is a circus.

I wish I knew how to handle this, I just don't. It'd be different if I could read minds. Instead I'm stuck here, wondering what my future will hold. And how fast the foundation I have will be blown apart. I'm always the last to know, but I'm used to that. I've lived most of my life out of a bag. I was just hoping I wouldn't have to do that anymore.

The Extra

I know that no one reads these. I dont really care of anyone does to be honest. Its just a way to vent w/o the backlash of those around me. I need to be able to release all the pent up anger and feelings before I explode.

I don't really use names because my personal life is no ones business. I am barely holding myself together, so there's no use adding another variable to the mix.

While, my life is still in shambles, I do what I have always known. Soldier on. For a while, I didn't' know how to anymore. But on the way home from the massive road trip, that I will NEVER do again, I acquired a Black Onyx necklace. I got it because I've always loved black onyx. Little did I know what it would do to help me. It repels negative energy. I never believed in any of that stuff, til I put it on and the weight of my life began to lift. It has literally saved me. Whats sad is that I had someone who runs a veterans organization aimed at PTSD tell me that he had to delete me because his group is mainly Christian based. Ok? So because I decided to try something holistic, even tho I too have PTSD, I had to go? How can someone claim to want to spread the word and help veterans with PTSD, but have a catch.. like a religion.. Thats total bullshit. Anyone legit would be happy that the veteran found something that works for them, not cast them aside because they don't go to church. I was in shock when I was told this.

Either way... I feel like an extra. I feel like I'm just here to do what other people don't want to do. I feel like I'm being used. I feel like I'm still in the Army, where us little people are treated like garbage. But, I do it anyways, cuz why not? I never know whats going on in my life. I have to take it literally one hour at a time. Which is not the way to live your life. I can't even make plans, because I dont know what is going on. The only plan that I've made is to go to vegas whenever I get my money. But after the VA decided to push my appt back 4 fuckin months, I'm so poor right now. I can't even afford to think about the future. How sad is that.

Maybe someday I'll figure it out. Maybe someday I'll feel wanted. But for now, I'll just sit here and post links about veterans. Its what I'm best at.