Knowing

In a matter of weeks my life will be completely different. Adjusting to the west coast again. Getting help for myself is imperative, but other things come first. Other people come first. Because this is life or death. I wish I knew how to put things into words better right now, I just don't.

I hate to think the way I am right now. But the inevitable... its gonna happen whether we're prepared or not. Watching someone die was never on my list of things I was prepared to do. But who is? Either way. its the right thing to do. I know it is. Just sucks that it has to happen this way.

I survive the way I do, because of music and allowing myself to break when I feel I need to. Of course there was a time when no one knew it . I was so secretive about it. I was afraid to show weakness. I've definitely moved past that.

I'm just as strong as I was, but we all have a breaking point. I'm pretty sure i'll be ok as far as total breakdowns are concerned. But i have been broken easier these days. Reality is a shitty thing. You realize all the stuff goin on around you, and just like in iraq, know there isn't a damn thing you can do about it but survive it.

I tend to try to keep to myself when i'm having bad days. Only because I dont want to bring people down with me. But we all need someone to talk to . Cali is good for me. I almost packed up my car and left today lol but yea. Can't leave quite yet.

Things i'm still waitin to happen lol

*getting a rose on the front seat of my car

*be able to buy a house of my own

*help nick more

*not get bitched at for trying to help

*ppl understanding PTSD and not blaming us for it

*not bein pain

*that whole family thing i can't seem to get right lol

*to be happy for once no matter the circumstances

*my promotion ceremony hahahahaha

*my va shit to get done

*VA rating

*John to figure out which house we're getting cuz he knows where they all are lol

*my shit to get picked up and sent to Cali.. even tho i dont have an address yet

*finish packing for Cali

*Facebook to stop changing shit

*AMVETS

*My new supposed title in OIF Community. haha

*get the rest of my money the army owes me... at least 12k

*Weed to be legalized... it'll happen folks

Baghdad ER and my "tailspin"

So, I got it because I kept telling myself I had to see it. But hindsite is 20/20. I should never of turned it on. I'm expecting a bad night alone. Seeing and hearing all of it.. the bodies, the blood, the explosions. This was a very bad idea. It makes you think. "Man Lori. That could of been you." I realize how much I hate this war. How much I'm tired of losing guys to this shit. It makes me cry. From a person who never cried, to a person who just can't stop.

"We don't want you to go. We want you to fight. But if you can't, its ok to go. Its ok to go."

I hate it. Why am I watching this? I LOST it.

I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea. I just watched the life leave his body. Even on film and not being there, knowing he was one of ours... it kills me. I mean, our guys get hit so hard, and fight so hard to live, and they just... don't. I don't where all this is coming from. It started this morning. Maybe its the lack of sleep. Seeing as I haven't slept in goin on 2 days. I just can't do it.

And as I'm writing this, I get a phone call from a Marine thinking I was Jess. And sounded pissed off he got me instead. FML. I'm useless. I can't help anyone. Today is just a bad day for me. I"m sorry for all this. I need to get out of here. Before i pull a disappearing act. Wish I knew what to say to people. I just don't. I can't be helping people anyways right now. Not in my condition. Not without someone here to talk to,. I'm always alone. A face to face would be nice. But i got a cat who stares at me and a dog who just wants to be annoying.

So what do i do? How can i help people when I need the help too? When people would rather talk to someone else. I think I'm the one who needs a battle buddy.

Cali

So, i'm moving to Cali on June 11th. I'm stoked! Can't wait to get out there. Got so much going on and it'll be good to be around people who understand what i'm going through. Plus no snow, so winter wont be as hard on me.

I'm feeling ok lately. Probably cuz i'm so busy. But whatever works right? And i know i'm helping other people. Especially those I served along side; fellow veterans. FMS is still kicking my ass and i'm always in pain, but i'm waiting on my meds the VA prescribed for me. Johns gonna walk me through the VA so I dont get screwed. So that'll be good. Got all the piercings I wanted and next week tat #8. I'm way too excited. Its pricey to move, but totally worth it.

We got the J.O.S.L. (Joint Org Support Line) set up. Where vets can get help. It has the Warrior Distress Line, Vets in Need and Battle Buddy. *1-800-689-1850*

Vets in Need

Shortly after we launched Vets in Need, we got a request. We're working on his request right now. Not just monetary stuff, but help with the VA. This just goes to show that all the hard work is paying off, and people know they can reach out to us for help. This makes me happy. :) Lets hope today stays a good one.

Walls closing in

So, I get told today that 'its not working out" and to " move up your date to move to cali". In a nutshell, its an eviction notice. It never fails. I finally think I'll have some stability and BAM! Gone.

I'm just so fuckin tired of people proving what i already know I'm not wanted anywhere.

Standing Against the Rain

Where do i start? They made me take out my lip ring...which was almost healed. I flipped about that. Safety reasons my ass. Then my phone...my lifeline. O and this one nurse was convinced I've taken it out before and was lying when i said i've never taken it out. She kept calling me a liar. Never took it out... until they did. How quick there were to judge.

It wasn't a complete waste of time tho. Cus the head doc write 'severe ptsd' on my chart that goes to the VA. So, thats one step down. I have 2 appts at the VA in Johnstown on the 18th. I just dont like being isolated. Sometimes you just need a hug. You'll never get that in there. So thats kind of depressing, but i'm ok.

Only one person calls. But that one in particular has a way of always cheering me up. So, he's helped more than I can ever say.

The doc says he thinks i should stay longer ( for at least a week), but honored my 72 release request. I ended up out today at like 1230.

Mass Confusion

My life is utter chaos. Theres problems popping up everywhere. I'm not motivated to deal with any of it. I guess I just hating finding out shit from other ppl or posts. It irritates me. There's my psycho mother who is ALWAYS starting shit with everyone. If there's a feud, she had something to do with it. Its ALWAYS been like that. I don't even talk to her anymore, and she's still finding ways to piss me off. My cousin had her as a friend on facebook and she could see her just slamming my sister and talkin shit about everyone other than her perfect obedient son... My family is so fuckin dysfunctional.

Then theres the fact that my life is fuckin chaos right now. I'm so messed up. I dont cry... ever... I didn't even cry when i punched a cement brick and damn near broke my hand... but lately.. thats all do. I'm so frustrated, so confused, so helpless. I hate everything about today. Today was stupid. All i managed to get done was get a new license, that i look HORRIBLE in. The rest of the day was horrible. And i knew it would be.

I just want to die. I have no reason to be here. I really thought I did, but I just can't shake the feeling that i'm nothing. I watch all these ppl with their kids, and families... and i'm sitting in my dads house at 27... with nothing but a computer. My only outlet. TRYING to be quiet because they're asleep downstairs.

I have nothing to live for. the main reason i came back was to help nick, and i can't even do that. every single idea is shot down. i have no family of my own. i have no animals. i have me. and this computer...everyone i talk to is on facebook. what does that say about me? that i have no life. that i have nothing. i tried to keep myself busy. i thought that would help. it didn't. i'm still just as fucked up as i was. i even posted blogs on facebook, hoping someone could read through the lines and be like 'hey, somethings not right.' but no. just business as usual.

i dont care who my shit goes to. i have a whole bunch of shit that needs picked up at walmart. and entire bedroom set. you can toss all my shit. i don't care either way.

Falling Away

Another day has come and gone, and my sleeping problems remain. The physical and mental pain is exhausting. But I remain. Barely making it from day to day. But I have to make it. There is no fail. So, I have to fix myself. I'll figure all this out someday. But for now, i just have to power through it.

Tryin to get all my shit straight. Its hard. I can't even place my words right now. All I know is that more friends are goin back to combat or already there. I got so much going on, but at the same time nothing. I'm numb most of the time, because I can't afford to let myself go. But then I become vulnerable to even more severe panic attacks. I try to keep myself busy. But i'm so worried about what will happen. Not just to me, but to ppl i know. I just wish i knew how to fix everything. Just thinking about a bad outcome shoots my anxiety way up. And I worry how my friends are REALLY doing. How the war effects them. Are they like me? Do they have that same constant fear?

Then on top of that, I have everything else. The impending doom that is my so called love life, the fibromyalgia... my future, if there is one. I made it through so much, but iraq broke me. And now i'm trying to recover. The war will never leave me.. it just doesn't. I just wanna be able to live again. To be happy for once. But i have my doubts. Being a hopeless romantic and being alone is just a horrible combination. I thought i was doing ok. I guess I was way off. I'm just too broken to be happy i guess. Man, how i wish it was different. I just hope the skies clear for me soon on one of them. I could really use the break in disappointment and devastation.

Still Broken

I'm broken. A lost soul. A broken soul with a broken heart. I try so hard to help others, when I can't even help myself. I'm so torn. Torn apart by war. Torn apart by everything. When will I heal? Can I heal? I just want to help. I just want to fix everything. But I can't.

My life is so confusing. I think, maybe if I'm gone, everything will be right again. Then I see my tat...with the tag... and remember why I'm doing all this. Its about what we earned and aren't getting. Its about what we all lost and will never get back. Its about what we all want... forgiveness, respect and compassion. We just want people to understand. We're not the same. We'll NEVER be the same. We become angry, short-tempered, confused, depressed, lost, broken... just gone. We need patience and understanding. We need love from those that care. We want everyone to know we're sorry. That we're forgetful and need to be reminded a lot. That we have SO much on our mind and don't mean to be careless. That we don't mean any harm...that we really can't help it. We want forgiveness for not coming back the same. We just want to be loved again.

There are days when I just wish I died in Iraq. That I just never came home. But we all feel that way at some point. I just wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I knew how to fix myself. But I don't. I need Valley Forge to open soon. I need to get away and help myself. We all need to get away. But I just hope that people don't expect too much of me. I hope people understand, that I'm only trying to help. And that I don't mean to make anyone mad. I just really wanna fix what the Army and VA failed to do. There's so many of us fighting. So many of us that are tired of veterans being shit on and tossed aside like we're nothing. We DO matter. And we will do everything we can to stop this chaos. We WILL fight until we can no longer fight. It's in our nature. Its who we are. But just because we are fighters, doesn't mean we don't break. Because as you have all seen, we do. And when we do, it is BAD. We don't just break a little. We break completely. We try to keep it together. Because we have to. Because in battle, if we break, someone can die. And we can't afford to be the reason for another's death. So we keep fighting. And we keeping holding it in. Then one day, we snap. Because we can't do it anymore. All the training comes back. All the memories return. The nightmares become worse. And we can't remember anything. It doesn't become that extreme for everyone. But to those that endure such a tragic break, we are tossed aside. Like WE are to blame. Like we MEANT for it to happen. Like we planned it all along.

It's sad. To see that so many pretend to understand. That will turn their back on us when we need it the most. And thats when the rest of us step in. To counter that weight. To show each other that we understand and that war does incredible things to the mind. And to show those that have never been to war...that are quick to blame a combat veteran... that we are not the same. That war HAS changed us. And we will keep doing so until some politician steps in and helps us win this fight against the system. Of all people, combat veterans deserve a second chance. We deserve treatment. We deserve so much that we're not getting.

Every veteran is like family. Because we all endured war. We all understand what it can do. And since I'm involved in 2 different organizations; my own (Nick Horner Foundation) and an advisor for OIF Veteran Community; I must carry on. I HAVE to. No matter how low and destructive I feel, I have to go on. I have to keep fighting. Because we deserve to be respected and cared for.

But at the same time, I need to be able to heal and express myself. I need to be able to vent. I need to allow my self to be loved again by someone who deserves my love in return, and understands my torment. I have to give it a chance. I have to wait until it shows up at my door.

I am surely broken. But I must heal. Someday I will be ok. Someday. But for now, the fight continues. The fight for myself, my brothers and sisters... for our dignity and pride..

Trust is earned. And as I look at all of Nicks letters, I think... maybe for once in my life I'm doing something right. I'm helping others. And thats what this is all about. Helping those ignored by the same ppl that send them to war. We will never forget, because we've been there... or we've watched you go and come back SO much different.

Just know that while we are trying so hard to get help despite all the walls we keep facing, we love you. We really are trying. We want to be us again, as much as you do. But we need you to stand with us. We need you to fight with us. We need your support now more than ever. And if you really think that it is all for nothing, walk away. I can almost guarantee we already know someone who will never walk away. Who will ALWAYS support us. And that is the person we'll run to. That is the person we'll stay with. The one that will never give up, that will keep fighting, and never give up on us.

For some, its family. For others, its other veterans.

Take pride in your service. Pay tribute to those that lost their lives; that gave the ultimate sacrifice. We are not all understood by all, but you will always be remembered. You will always be honored by those that aren't stingy and think they're entitled. You are a Marine, a Soldier, a sailor, an airman; And you did your homage to this country. Be proud. Be steadfast. Be the hero. Let yourself heal. Keep reaching for help. And if you see or hear about someone who fell between the cracks, or was tossed aside; HELP THEM. In ANY way you can. They NEED you. WE need you.

And as our Marines say, Semper Fidelis "ALWAYS FAITHFUL"

I may not always be completely together. But I always mean well. And no matter what, that tattoo will always keep me on the right path. So, Thank you Nick. You will always be a soldier. Keep fighting. Keep being strong. We are ALL fighting for you. NO soldier left behind.

Bottom

I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I'm nothing. I'm just another lost cause with a dirty mouth. I can go to war, but I can't swear. I can't do anything without being judged. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of everything. I'm supposed to censor myself. Why? Why did i fight for a country that just wants to silence me? Why must I always conform to what others want? Why do I have to live this life? No answers. Just questions. Just disappointment. Just hatred and sadness. But yet, I can't swear. Cuz thats bad. Cuz people will think less of me. Too fucking bad. I swear. I bitch. I complain. I cry. I get tunnel-vision. I have PTSD. I hate myself. I just want it all to fuckin end. That sadness, the crying, the fear... everything. I'm tired of jumping everytime I hear a boom, or a whistle. I'm tired of looking around like everyone is out to get me. I'm tired of it all. And I'm tired of fighting. What have i gained? Who can really help me?

I can't keep doing this. I know I need help. But that help won't stop the swearing. I'm allowed to have feelings. I'm allowed to be human. Or am I? Maybe I'm supposed to bottle it up and pretend I'm just a happy little person with dreams. Really? I'm better off dead. So no one can judge me anymore. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of it all. And i can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of hiding. I sick of pretending i'm just that funny chic with jokes and links. When are ppl gonna realize, that isn't me? Thats one small part. Thats not me. I'm so broken. So lost. So soul-less. So gone. And either no one knows what to say, or they don't care. How can you be more worried that i swear when i'm on the brink of death? WTF!

I'm trying to keep myself together. I've done pretty good i think. Pretend to be happy, when i'm miserable and sinking. Have hope for a future for about 5 minutes and then its gone. I'm so fucked up. I'm tired of crying. I just wanna be me again. The person i was. But that person is gone now. All i have is what Iraq and the Army left me. And its not much. Just the hope to help someone else. And I can't do that if I swear? Or am in a shitty mood?! I can't always be positive... there is NO god in my life. I dont give two shits what it thinks. Its not like 'it' was helpful before. "Does your god know my god? This is how the world will end." Perfect explanation by Atreyu. Look around. Its true. No one has managed to KILL more ppl than religion.

Facing the Storm

I have to mentally prepare myself for this new life. This lonely life. With memories of war and chaos, and loud noises that stop me in my tracks. I have to heal in order to help others. But helping others is what heals me. I'm in for a long road trip straight to my own hell. Unpredictable. And thats putting it nicely. I'm not up to see many people. I just wanna be alone. Yet I hate being alone. I'm just so messed up I think. I need to get to the VA and see if i'm one of the few ppl they'll help. Cuz I def. need it.

Instead of moving forward where I can see clearly, I move towards a challenge. Facing the storm. But what am I proving? That i'll always be dumb ass? That all always end up where I am right now? Alone and confused. I'm damaged goods. No one wants to deal with that...not really. Some say its not a problem, then a few months down the road they act like they didn't know. Guess its the price we pay in our lifelong effort to find someone who will understand you, love you and not throw everything in your face. But the disappointment grows when you keep getting thrown to the ground. It gets harder and harder to get back up and shrug it off.

I'm not supposed to have feelings. I'm supposed to suck it up, soldier on and fight the good fight. But what if i just don't have it in me anymore? What if i'm at a place in my life now that, i just don't give a shit anymore. Feelings I can push aside long enough to help someone who needs it. Then back to me. My broken heart, and soul... the one no one really sees.. or even cares about. I'm just a pon in this life. One that very few understand... or take the time to understand. Left to suffer silently.

I just wanna run, and never look back. No ties to the old life. Just leave without saying goodbye. I'll just be someone you all knew. Is it better that way? I have no idea. But its been on my mind for a long time. The only problem is... i can't run away from myself and who i am. So doing it might be pointless. But in my twisted mind, this is the only way for my heart to heal... for my soul to heal....